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Lauren Hafford
02-22-2003, 10:55 PM
What is the best (clean) joke you've ever heard?

I'll start it off with a nice nerdy one:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

:-) Lauren

Sean_330
02-23-2003, 12:31 AM
A man walks into a bar..........OUCH!

evulish
02-23-2003, 12:40 AM
Haha. That binary joke is sooo old...(you know it's old when thinkgeek makes a shirt about it :P)

It's not the best...but the only I could think of:

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation
got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
"I own a sign company," the first man said. "So naturally, I have a purple Neon."
The other two men nodded.
"I'm a veterinarian," said the second fellow. "I have a white `Vet."
The third guy was quiet for a minute.
"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist. I have a brown Probe."

Sorry :)

utishpenguin
02-23-2003, 01:48 AM
its not really a joke but its humor....

TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS
MUST BE FEMALE

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.


2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.


3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed

to memory for future reference.


4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and

they don't, won't, or can't follow it.


5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on

particularly if you already have a floppy in.


6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your

computer will get it.


7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


8. A better model is just around the corner.


9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.


10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

MissInformation
02-23-2003, 02:07 AM
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

tatsak42
02-23-2003, 03:18 AM
there's only 1 kind of people, those who understand computer counting, and those that don't. it's a variation that's much much less used.

asking what pi is:
geometrician (or geometer or whatever the guy's name would be): the relationship between a circle's circumference and its diameter.
mathematician: 3.14159265........
engineer: about 3 :D

Mullet
02-23-2003, 03:44 PM
No one ever likes this, but I'll give it a shot...

Here is a dog telling a joke.

Knock Knock
(who's there)
Woof
(Woof who?)
WOOF!

(Leaves sad and alone)

chellyzee93
02-23-2003, 03:55 PM
ok. So there was this man. He had this dog.

One day this man was walking that dog, and they crossed the street.

:D
and now back to the "Best Joke Ever" thread

George1902
02-23-2003, 04:03 PM
Originally posted by MissInformation
the duck shrugged

i'd like to see *that*!

=-]

some of you higher-level math students will like this one...

what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with an elephant?

nothing... a mountain climber is a scaler! hehe

srjjs
02-23-2003, 05:43 PM
Originally posted by George1083
i'd like to see *that*!

=-]

some of you higher-level math students will like this one...

what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with an elephant?

nothing... a mountain climber is a scaler! hehe

A variant of that:
What's the difference between a mosquito and a mountain climber?
One's a vector and one's a scalar!

FAKrogoth
02-23-2003, 06:04 PM
It's the year 2350. Humanity has spread to a few star systems, and is dedicatedly colonizing them. However, there is one discovered planet still lacking much human settlement. On this planet resides a single sentient life form. It is several hundred feet tall, and rather humanoid in form. Brain waves indicate great intelligence, and consciousness, but the creature does not move.

One day, a college student, investigating this creature for his college thesis, gets frustrated and yells out, "how can something evolve with arms and legs if it doesn't use them?"

It turns out this is the first time anyone had asked a question loud enough for the creature to hear. Presently, it stood up, (parting the clouds with its head) pondered a bit, boomed out, "IT CAN'T," and sat back down.

The student was dumbstruck. "But of course." he muttered. "It only stands to reason . . ."


[disclaimer] This joke was paraphrased from a Callahan's Crosstime Saloon story (I forget which) by Spider Robinson.

srjjs
02-23-2003, 09:12 PM
I don't get it.

joe gem
02-23-2003, 09:15 PM
those were all good
but i got the best:
Q:y did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get to the other side
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA:D

utishpenguin
02-23-2003, 09:20 PM
Originally posted by joe gem
those were all good
but i got the best:
Q:y did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get to the other side
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA:D

har har =P

at least its a normal answer....xP
*bangs head on glacier*

MattK
02-23-2003, 09:46 PM
I dont have a joke, but I do have a little song!

To the tune of "I'm a little Tea Cup"

I'm a little Source Code
Short and stought
Here is my input here is my out

Thanks! I'll be here all week!

MissInformation
02-23-2003, 10:03 PM
Okay, so I like the bar jokes, here's another one:


A Neutron walked into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?"
The bartender looks at him and replies "For you, no charge!"

Amanda Morrison
02-23-2003, 10:28 PM
I've got a great one, albeit an old one:

Q: Have you heard about that new pirate movie?

A: It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Sorry. I love lame jokes. =)

dlavery
02-23-2003, 11:24 PM
Best joke ever: OUR ROBOT!!!!

Jonathan M.
02-24-2003, 01:42 AM
Hmm I got a good one.

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: To get to the chicken!

Okay so that was tastless but it's not that bad.
heheh..

FotoPlasma
02-24-2003, 01:49 AM
Originally posted by dlavery
Best joke ever: OUR ROBOT!!!!

I would have said the same thing about our robot, but there was a requirement that it had to be a clean joke. Our robot's nowhere near clean...

Oh. My hair. A horrible horrible joke.

utishpenguin
02-24-2003, 06:47 PM
Originally posted by FotoPlasma
I would have said the same thing about our robot, but there was a requirement that it had to be a clean joke. Our robot's nowhere near clean...

Oh. My hair. A horrible horrible joke.

boys locker room..... another palce isn't that clean .......ugh it smells :yikes:

John Bono
02-26-2003, 07:00 PM
Grr... couldn't find it online, so I have to type it all out.
A long time ago, in a small Chinese village, three Monks, presumably banished from thier monastery, showed up. To make ends meet, they went into the plant business.
It was the week of their grand opening, when a father was pushing his baby's stroller down an aisle. He took his eyes off her for just a minute, and when he returned his attention, she was gone--and was never found again.
A town meeting was called, where a few rather angry friends of the baby's family denounced the friars. Everyone mumbled with a slight agreement to this fact (well, except for Hugh--but he was a quiet guy), but there wasn't enough anger in the town for such a harsh punishment. They had invested a large amount of money into thier business, after all.
The next week, a mother was walking donw the aisle along side her son, who got distracted, and wandered off. The last thing she saw was a vine reaching out and pulling her child towards it. The young boy was never seen again.
The town was enraged now, as this was the second incident of a missing child. Over half the town called for the Friars to be banished--and the rest called for heavy punishment (well, except for Hugh, of course), but the firars refused to leave, explaining that they were not at fault for the missing children, and the mother of the boy must've been seeing things. They continued to practice thier trade...
One of the few remaining customers wandered down the aisles, her baby girl in her arms. Suddenly, a potted plant uprooted before her eyes, snatched the baby out of her arms, and swallowed it in one gulp.
The town was in an uproar--an almost unanimous agreement that they should be banished from the town. "Ha, you can't make us leave!" one of the Friars replied.
Just then, Hugh stood from his chair at the back of the town square. "Leave," he spoke quietly.
The friars immediately ran to thier shop, gathered whatever they could carry, and fled town.
The moral of this story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.





Runner up joke (my dad made this one up):
If you had a clone, and all he did was speak curse words...
and you pushed him off a building, would you be charged with murder, or just making an obscene clone fall?

Da SPAMinatress
02-26-2003, 07:12 PM
I've got a few jokes that I've heard recently, i'm not saying there good... but, they made ME laugh:

There's a big party one night, and all the functions are there. They're all having a great time, singing and dancing and conversing with one another. One of the functions notices e^x sitting in the corner all by himself. The function shouts over "hey, e^x, come on, integrate yourself!" while pointing to the other group of functions. "What for?" asks e^x, "It makes no difference!"


The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."


Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

utishpenguin
02-26-2003, 08:21 PM
what do you do with a dead chemist?

barium

Brandon Martus
02-26-2003, 09:21 PM
Originally posted by John Bono
an obscene clone fall?

bahahah .. thats the best ..:D

Harrison
02-26-2003, 09:23 PM
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens weren't invented yet.

(That is courtesy of my 9 year old brother....)

utishpenguin
02-26-2003, 11:47 PM
Originally posted by Harrison
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens weren't invented yet.

(That is courtesy of my 9 year old brother....)

cute!

narenr
02-26-2003, 11:55 PM
Courtesy of some contestant on Jeopardy:

So did you hear about the guy writing a book of poems in binary?

"No"

Oh, don't worry, there wasn't a single one in it.

Lauren Hafford
02-27-2003, 08:39 PM
Okay, so this one's a bit borderline ... :)
There was this mother and her son, and the mother was having an affair. Her son, unbeknownst to her, would hide in the closet during these 'interludes'. One day, the boy's father came home from work early, and the mother shoved her lover into the closet, not knowing that her son was in that closet.
The boy says to the man, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yep" The boy says, "I have a baseball glove" The man, nervous that the woman's husband will hear, says, "That's great...shh!" The boy says, "Wanna buy it?" Eager to shut the boy up, the man says, "Sure, how much?" "$500" "Fine, just shut up!"
In about a week, the same situation happened. The boy said, "It's dark in here" The man sighs and says, "Yep." The boy says, "Wanna buy a baseball for $500?" "FINE! shut up, okay?"
In another week, the dad asks the boy if he wants to play catch, and the boy says that he sold his glove and ball. The dad asks how much he sold them for, and the son replies "$1000." He exclaims, "How could you take advantage of people like that?? Go to the priest and confess this instant!!"
So the boy goes inside the booth, and says, "It's dark in here!"
The priest says, "Darn it, don't start that again!!"


:) lauren

Matt Attallah
02-27-2003, 10:46 PM
http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/c0/lol.gif(Nice Joke, Lauren)

http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/k0/freak7.gifLook at that and don't laugh!

George A.
02-28-2003, 08:05 AM
Here's a few jokes I heard from a friend:

There is this bar on top of a huge skyscraper, and two guys are sitting at it getting wasted. On guy grabs a bottle and reads the bottle, it reads "Magical Beer: Recieve the Power to fly!" The guy shakes his head in disgust and takes a swig. All of a sudden he starts to rise off of the bar stool. The guy next to him stares in disbelief. He stands and exclaims "I want to fly!" The guy in the air says "Here take a drink of this and jump out the window." The guy takes a swig, leaps out of the window and falls to his doom. The guy settles back down onto his stool and the bartender exclaims "Jeez Superman you can be a real jerk when your drunk."

HERE'S ANOTHER JOKE I HEARD THAT TURNED INTO MY MOTTO:
I'm so ugly they wanted to make me the poster boy for birth control!!!

FINALLY HERE'S A JOKE THAT I SAW ONLINE, ALTHOUGH IT IS RATHER OUT THERE.

A mathamatician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife. "Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year old office assistant. Please understand my actions.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it read "Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy. And being the matimatician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time then 65 into 18. Please don't wait up."

srjjs
02-28-2003, 08:13 PM
The limit of (sin x)/n as n goes to infinity is six.
Just cancel out the n's in the numerator and denominator!

Pope has settled the continuum hypothesis!
He has declared that cardinals above 80 have no powers.

Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.

I call my dog "Cauchy."
He leaves a residue at every pole!

What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Goldbach's conjecture -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about Goldbach's conjecture and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

John Bono
03-04-2003, 08:05 PM
A little borderline, but me and FAKrogoth found it hilarious, first seeing it on our Calc teacher's white board, written by another friend of ours:
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to use Google and he'll have all the porn he could ever ask for... or something like that.

Matt Attallah
03-04-2003, 08:16 PM
"Honda"

Hahahahahaha! That's the biggest joke on here! http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/a0/tease.gif

DanL
03-04-2003, 08:28 PM
Since cheap silly calc puns seem to be all the rage here, I think I'll join in!

"Don't Drink and Derive!"

This coming from a calc teacher at my school whose license plate reads "dydx" ;-)

BigJohn
03-05-2003, 07:41 PM
How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?

Knock on the door :D

-----------------------------

I am not hating on blonds!

Kiwi_queen
03-06-2003, 08:39 AM
here's one for Mr. C!

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".
The mushroom walks into another bar and asks the bartender for a drink. This one just says "No". The mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" (fun guy)

ok another one.

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o'clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who's threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy's gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says "Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o'clock news"
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says "No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o'clock news too. I just didn't think he'd do it again!"

~and there's plenty more where that came from! ;o)

srjjs
03-06-2003, 09:23 PM
Originally posted by Kiwi_queen
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o'clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who's threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy's gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says "Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o'clock news"
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says "No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o'clock news too. I just didn't think he'd do it again!"

I liked that better when the blonde was a statistician.

utishpenguin
03-06-2003, 11:46 PM
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

John Bono
03-07-2003, 09:49 PM
Best. Puns. Ever.

utishpenguin
03-08-2003, 12:40 PM
thank you thank you.... haha

FAKrogoth
03-08-2003, 01:17 PM
I vote this person as the coolest penguin since Pen-Pen!

John Bono
03-09-2003, 12:37 PM
Easy, there, FAK. This one's not going to be at Phoenix regionals.

utishpenguin
03-09-2003, 06:42 PM
Originally posted by John Bono
Easy, there, FAK. This one's not going to be at Phoenix regionals.

wait? what is happening?

Mark Hamilton
03-09-2003, 10:50 PM
I couldnt remember these two well enough so I hade to look them up on the internet but here goes:
"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are placed in a room across from a beautiful girl and are told that every 10 seconds a bell will ring, and that each time it rings they may advance half the distance to the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh at this, and when the bell rings only the engineer advances toward the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh and scoff at the engineer's foolishness, and after the bell has rung a few more times finally call to him, "Don't you know you'll never get there."

"I know," replied the engineer, "but very soon I'll be so close as to make no difference.""

"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are spending the night in a hotel room. During the night the wastebasket catches on fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire again. This time the scientist wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire once again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, shouts, "Aha! A solution exists," and goes back to sleep."

Rev. Lovejoy
03-10-2003, 04:04 PM
Two muffins are sitting in the oven, Muffin 1 says to Muffin 2 "God $@#$@#$@#$@# it's hot in here!". Muffin 2 screams out "Holy Crap! A Talking Muffin!"


Worst. Joke. Ever.

John Bono
03-11-2003, 09:54 PM
Originally posted by utishpenguin
wait? what is happening?
Nothing. Nothing at all.

Hailfire
03-16-2003, 05:04 PM
This is more of a brain teaser but anyway,...

A woman shoots her husband, drowns him, and hangs him. One hour later, they go out for dinner. How can this be?

Answer: A woman takes a picture of her husband with a camera, develops it, and hangs it dry.

A man is trapped and has to choose from three doors. Door number 1 has a room full of sharks, door number 2 has a room full of fire, and room number 3 has a room full of lions who haven't eaten in 3 years. Which is safest for him?

Answer: Door number 3. A room full of lions who haven't eaten in 3 years are dead.

How can you mix two different barrels of water in a large container and still figure out which water came from which barrel?

Answer: Freeze the two barrels and put them in the larger container so you can tell the two apart from each other.