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View Full Version : Can you Review 3337s Sponsorship Packet?


MysterE
09-04-2011, 07:55 PM
Hi all,

I am looking for some people willing to review our Sponsorship Packet.

http://www.chiefdelphi.com/media/papers/2583

I am specifically looking for a few different types of review:
1) General Grammar and Stylization Review (Are there any random errors that may have been missed)
2) Design Review (How does the overall design look? Should anything be moved from one place to another? How do the pictures look and work within the context of the document?)
3) Information Review(Is there anything that shouldn't be there or that should?)

Thanks so much.
Daniel.

Grim Tuesday
09-04-2011, 08:19 PM
That looks fantastic, our team should really consider doing something similar! A few minor criticisms:

Put 'What is FRC' above 'Expenses', maybe even around 'mission statement'. It seems like Expenses is summing it up, kind of like an appendix

In 'Mission Statement', in the second paragraph you switch perspectives form 'students' to 'we'. I would say stick with students, since it sounds more professional.

Overall, design wise, it looks great. The whole thing made me want to give you money, even though I am certainly not any sort of business. Great job.

quinxorin
09-04-2011, 09:32 PM
I agree with Grim - move the stuff about FIRST to close to the beginning. Talk about FIRST in general before going into detail about your team.

Issues:
FIRST must always be italicized.
Most modern American English conventions say that you should use a comma before the 'and' in lists of three or more. I only looked at a couple pages, but in the last paragraph of the executive summary, you don't.

Also, I love how it's the "Executive" summary. Makes it sound like you're doing something special just for them.