Funny things teachers/professors have said

[sanddrag]

I'll start:

Actually said:

"I couldn't grade your papers because I was off on another one of my crack smoking adventures last night" (jokingly of course, in case you didn't know)

"when you have something like this and stuff like that and you get stuff like that"

"it seems like you are tired of discussing this story, ah, let's just go home"

Accent made it sounded like:

"Electric Circus" (electric circuits)
"Wondergraph generator" (Vandergraph generator)

What funny things have your instructors said?

Just plain worrysome:

"It is only in very rare circumstances that the angles of a triangle add up to 180 degrees"

[sciguy125]

Professor: What happens to the capacitor at t = infinity?
Some guy: It'll be a short circuit.
Professor: Short circuit?
some other guy: It'll be an open circuit.
Professor: Open circuit?
[faint voices from around the room support either sides]
Professor: So is it open or a short?
[voices stir up again]
Professor: Oh, that's right, this is America, everyone has an opinion. He thinks it's open and he thinks it's a short. Who thinks it's half open, half short?
[a few hands go up]

[DCA Fan]

Heh I have a whole website with quotes from teachers and students:
http://gchen.netfirms.com/ssq

Some of them have lost their humor, but I'm too lazy to go delete them.

[Ryan M.]

Science teacher: "I can't hear you without my glasses." (And she's dead serious!)

[Jeff Rodriguez]

"Be careful not to damage the threads." Then whacks the flywheel with a hammer.

[Lisa Perez]

In C++

"You know why they're called algorithms? Because Al Gore invented them. ... ... Sort of like he invented the internet..."

:p

[Al Skierkiewicz]

One of my mentors, a professor at Bradley, once quoted his mentor in a discussion about inductive kick and the effect of opening a generator circuit with a knife switch.
"My boy, there will be a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and you would be holding a switch handle in your hand." Translation...the effect would vaporize the switch contacts leaving you holding the insulated handle.

I have modified this to allow students to visualize the effects of high voltage on the human body to "There will be a flash of light, a puff of smoke and a hole in the air where you used to stand."

[KyleGilbert45]

I have a professor that always says this before exams, since the lecture I'm in had a problem with a group of students cheating earlier in the semester.

"Remember, you can look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".

[Billfred]

My sociology professor is especially picky about cell phones going off in class.

So when hers went off mid-lecture, she simply commented "And after I [censored] at y'all for so long..."

Back when I was in high school, though, my physics teacher had an interesting rule set, one that I've pretty much adopted: Do not die, be respectful, be safe, follow the handbook. But before you had to spend a Monday afternoon with Mr. Smith, he would give you the finger as a warning. (His index finger.)

[KenWittlief]

Physics professor after being corrected for the umpteenth time over minor mistakes in his lecture: Listen to what I mean, not what I say

Economics professor before a test: Before I pass out the test I want everyone to get spaced out.

[The one that sent half the class to the Add/Drop line on the first day of class]: Hello, my name is Raniseh Kalamaphiquar, and this is professor Abu Rhama from Kenya. He is your english literature professor, and I am his interpreter!

[tiffany34990]

in my IB class we had a running list of stupid things our teachers have said... after 4 years of school well we reached well ya a lot... some of them you would just have to know the teacher but here are a few you can all chuckle about:

"Let’s call this example number 1, aren’t I creative!"

"I could pickle you, but I wouldn't want to preserve you."

"Hotdogs with sauerkraut and methane … the breath of nature."

"Remember the difference between silicone and Silicon, Silicone is fake $@#$@#$@#$@# and Silicon is the element."

"I was trying to improve my vocabulary last night, I was reading the dictionary… I only got to C but I don’t remember any of the words."

"If you were to be run over by an elephant moving at 1 mph, or a rabbit running at 70 mph, they would feel about the same."

"The spammers, How many do we have?" (going away to competition)

"If 20 gits equals 1 futz, and 1 herb equals 10 futz, and 1 herb equals 20 hews, how many gits are there in 5 hews?''

"You got confused with your gender half way through it"

[Tom Schindler]

Just heard this one a few minutes ago..

"I chose geology 'cause they had morning classes, physics had afternoon ones. This way i could spend the afternoons portesting and other things we used to do in the 60's"

[mechanicalbrain]

This wasn't said but written. Our Physics teacher had just finished lecturing about the importance of being percise when writing down the directions on our lab write ups. He puts up a lab and it has the outline for the lab were going to work on. Under data he wrote "Leave room for lab." I made it to the door before he stopped me.

[Allison K]

Science teacher: "I can't hear you without my glasses." (And she's dead serious!)

That's a perfectly logical excuse for not being able to hear. In organic chem in high school we had to wear these decripit old safely goggles, that you couldn't really see through, and my teacher would always yell that they weren't forehead protectors, and he laughed hysterically when I replied one day "but I can't hear you with these things on." For you see, much of what I hear is reading lips, and I really couldn't hear him with the goggles on.

My band director in high school once imitated Darth Vader doing the striptease...close to the funniest thing I've seen in my educational career. I wish I could remember some of the other band moments...

And yesterday I overheard our rather disorganized robotics advisor that organization is for those to lazy to look for stuff.

~Allison

[Conor Ryan]

Today's Quote

Latin Sub: I'd Give an Arm to be Ambidextrous

oh theres plenty more too

[Koko Ed]

Aw geez. I'm married to one so I have so many that I can't remember any at the moment. :o

[AIBob]

"Friends don't let friends derive drunk."
"If anyone has a question that baffles me... and my colleges, the other professors... Then. I will take you out to lunch"
"Subtraction is the same as adding, only one of the numbers is negative."
"Z is for integer...and Z makes a lot more sence when you know that the german word for number is Zahlen, until you find out it was coined by french people."

[Timmyd]

a substitute teacher i once had said god does not exist that made for a interesting class period it started out with the sub saying most kids are idiots and that it is their parents fault that they are this way then it led on to at one point me blurting out "that is one of the most ignorant and bias things i ever heard "
he said "ignorant huh well you probably don't even know what ignorant and bias mean " i gave him a full and thorough definition and then said "anything else" that was a mistake he said OK everyone shut up and sit down (no one was standing) it went quiet for a second then he continued to yell if god would let something like this happen he doesn't exist. then the bell rang on our way out he said to Friend of mine who was sitting next to me "don't you mess with me"
my Friend said what the hell and out of no where the sub pushed him he kept walking the next day the teacher was back and informed us that the sub had been fired and the school district is going to press charges on behalf Cris (my Friend) and went on with the lesson when i asked Cris later why he was pushed he told me that the sub had mistaken him for me!

[JulieB]

I could write a book about my Drafting teachers quote.

My favorite
"Yall better not being playing grab-butt in there."
or
"That close enough for government work"

[Timmyd]

i get those all the time from my drafting teacher
"hey thats great"
"OK thats great looking but completely wrong"
"what the?"

[Wetzel]

"Friends don't let friends derive drunk."
It is really funny when they do though...

Wetzel

[Timmyd]

It is really funny when they do though...

Wetzel

awww thats not cool what would MADD think???

[Andrew Blair]

Band instructor on a rant:
"Cat in the Hat!"

Chem teacher introducing the lab tables:
"Now you should be alright in this class as long as we don't have to put safety plugs into your electrical outlets, during this year, or at your house..."

[Matt Leese]

I have a professor who likes to refer to sleeping during class as "doing z-transforms."

I have many more funny comments locked in my brain somewhere but I can't come up with any of them right now.

Matt

[sanddrag]

"if I catch you asleep in my class I'll come over and jab you in the ribs with this flashlight"

[kio_chan176]

Pre-algebra teacher: (he was awesome)

"I don't care that you can't graph. I can graph because I have a big thing." (he means graphing thing. like one of those pull-down map things)

"I call you all "mister" and "miss" because I have no desire to know any of you personally... I really don't."

Int. Science Teacher:

Somehow, we went from chemistry, to sweating, to peeing through our skin. "Whatever's in pee, is in your sweat. So, yes, you do in fact pee through your skin."

"Teacher: Ok I'm proud of this example of forces of attraction so pay attention! Ok, there are three couples. One couple is holding hands, another is making out, the last couple is-

Girl: Are they...?

Teacher: NO! THEY ARE NOT DOING THAT!!!"

[Joe Matt]

"I'm the queen of bull*&#$..." - Honor English College

[Kristian Calhoun]

Pre-algebra teacher: (he was awesome)

"I don't care that you can't graph. I can graph because I have a big thing." (he means graphing thing. like one of those pull-down map things)

"I call you all "mister" and "miss" because I have no desire to know any of you personally... I really don't."

Int. Science Teacher:

Somehow, we went from chemistry, to sweating, to peeing through our skin. "Whatever's in pee, is in your sweat. So, yes, you do in fact pee through your skin."

"Teacher: Ok I'm proud of this example of forces of attraction so pay attention! Ok, there are three couples. One couple is holding hands, another is making out, the last couple is-

Girl: Are they...?

Teacher: NO! THEY ARE NOT DOING THAT!!!"

actually the algebra graphing one (which i was told from a different class) was

student: but mr. ::insert teacher name hear:: we can't graph that one because the values are too big

teacher: well maybe you cant graph it, but i can, because *pulls down large coordinate plane* i have a big one!

oo and another one i have was....

student: well the overhead/poster is hanging onthe board crooked, should i fix it?

teacher: no, its okay, you can leave it because im crooked too.

[Bharat Nain]

This teacher did not do this but said he wanted to

At a parents-teachers meeting:

"You should have considered abortion"

[Cory]

awww thats not cool what would MADD think???

derive not drive :)

[Pat Fairbank]

Math teacher: "The test will be multiple choice, because it's easier for my wife to correct."

Student: "Will [insert topic] be on the test?"

Teacher: "Okay!"

[sanddrag]

Calculus professor explaining maximum and minimum points, specifically saddle points:

"Has anyone ridden a horse? I went to ride one but I guess it was just for kids and they wouldn't let me because I was bigger than the horse"

Student: "what does that have to do with maximums and minimums?"

Professor "See, when you're riding a horse, you sit in the saddle right? And there's the part to hold onto in front, and than the part that goes up in the back to keep you from sliding off backwards, and then the parts that do down each side where your legs go, and then right in the middle where your b___s are, that's the saddle point."

Needless to say, I couldn't believe my ears. The whole class ROFLed too. (oh yeah, and there were no girls in the class today so that's why it got a little out of hand).

[Timmyd]

derive not drive :)
wow that went right over my head

[HRobotics]

Funniest thing I've ever heard from any teacher, qualified or not...

Science Substitute: "So, remember, everyone... all atoms are made up of molecules."

Everyone: "No, molecules are made up of atoms."

Science Sub: "You know, you might be right about that, but you'll have to check with your teacher. I'm not sure."

What is the world coming to?!

[shyra1353]

"Friends don't let friends derive drunk."

It's funny when the do though .. just to prove that they aren't drunk ..

My grade 11 physics teacher always said that kids were a renewable resource.

As for Profs this year, some funny things that cant be said here and others that I just can't remember.

But one of my insanely genius Profs had an extremely thick accent, and he would talk into the chalkboard and occassionally yell out some random words ... the best was his mispronounced words:

Matrices .. pronounced mattresses
sin of .. pronounced sinuses
coplanar .. pronounced complanar (also spelt with the m)

[Koko Ed]

Aw geez. I'm married to one so I have so many that I can't remember any at the moment. :o
Ah! I just remembered one story she told me:
SHe was teaching summer school one year and had students from a couple of Wilson Magnet rival schools East High and Edison Tech and they were giving her a hard time about how their schools pummeled Wilson in sports (which almost always happens. They are bigger schools and due to open registration get the better atheltes. Wilson almost always gets the IB kids).
So my wife quipped "Our kids graduated."

[anna~marie]

My physics teacher - who also happens to be my mentor - gets very creative in her physics problems....
for example: Ben Tooclose is being chased through the woods by a bull moose which he was attempting to photograph. The enormous mass of the bull moose is extremely intimidating....

[Squirrelrock]

As of two years ago, the Econ/Statics teacher had been quoted as saying "No, You Are Not Allowed To Think Independantly In This Class." And yes, she can speak in capital letters.


fear the Bartle...

[team222badbrad]

My math professor was speaking about solving equations:

Professor: "We can all handle ugly, we all went to prom"
(he was talking about solving problems with many steps)

Student: "I didn't"

Professor: "Thats why"

[Redneck]

"Now, the difference in mass between the iron and the wood.... wait.... where'd my balls go?!?" - Mr. Van, when he lost the iron and wooden balls he was using in a Physics lab.

A sample problem from one of Mr. Van's homework sheets:
"Person A decides to drop their worthless lab partner, Person B, off a 30-meter high bridge. How long until B hits the ground if Vo = 0?"

[Alexa Stott]

actually the algebra graphing one (which i was told from a different class) was

student: but mr. ::insert teacher name hear:: we can't graph that one because the values are too big

teacher: well maybe you cant graph it, but i can, because *pulls down large coordinate plane* i have a big one!


Okay, here is what really happened, since neither of you guys got it right...

Girl: But those numbers don't fit on our graph paper!
Teacher: Well, you guys won't have to graph equations with numbers as big as those. But I can because I have a big thing.

I was there, so I would know! BWAH!

During orchestra class last year...
Teacher [to our bass player]: If you do not shut up right now, I'm going to stuff you into your bass! And I won't even bother to take off the back; I'll just shove you right through the f-hole!

[EricH]

During chemistry a few days ago:
"See, vacuum has two u's but not a W."-- the teacher

(figure it out)

[dubious elise]

Well, I hate to rip on my physics teacher because he was such a nice fellow but... yeah, he really did say all of these himself.

Student: Yeah, Sam lives on the edge...
Teacher: No, if Sam lived on the edge he would slip and fall and be sliced in half

Students: Um, did you grade our tests yet? You've had them for two weeks now!
Teacher: No...they're still wet
Students: What?!
Teacher: I spilled milk on them this morning...

Student: If there was a banana in orbit, would it be brown?
Teacher: No, it would be frozen...and yellow.

And a few solo acts from the same teacher....

"How many of you guys are going to be gone yesterday?"
"Teflon has very low friction, that's why they coat it with frying pans."
"I lost some of my marbles, just wait a second"
"I'll use a 'q' here. (erases previous 'q') A big, giant 'Q'"
"An ocean is any body of water that you cannot see across"
"Never wish a b____hslap on anyone!"
"Keep your soul. Don't be trading it - it's valuable!"
"Don't worry about how many days we have left.... It's nine by the way, but who's counting?"
"I tend to not like electricity, so I usually stay away from it."

I can't wait for second-semester AP Physics to begin!!!

[KenWittlief]

Physics 101 professor: the rate of change of distance over time is velocity, and the rate of change of velocity is acceleration

Me: what is the rate of change of acceleration then?

Prof: JERK!

Me: Pardon?!

Prof: JERK! Jerk! change in acceleration is called JERK!

Me: oh, I though you meant me!

[mechanicalbrain]

Here's a good conversation I had today between my CCNA instructor and I.

me "Does anyone still use token rings?"
teacher "Sure they do!"
me "like where?"
teacher "....in the south..... deep south."

[sciguy125]

My physics professor was telling us a story about Russia (she's from Russia). But, if I didn't tell you that this took place in Russia, you could probably guess it. It's very Russian.

She started out by saying, "As you know, bussiness was banned in Russia." There was some nuclear power plant with an excellent safety record. The lake used that was used for cooling water was so clean that you could swim in it. But, it's so cold there, that dispite the fact that the water's been through a nuclear reactor, it was still too cold to actually swim in except during the height of summer.

The other problem with the cold is that you can't grow vegetables. One of the locals got smart and started using the water to warm his green houses. However, this became a business and he was arrested.

[Lisa Perez]

Describing saddles in 3-dimensional problems: "Well, it's sort of like a bad lasagna..."

Talking about second integrals: "It's just like slicing cheese."

Apparently he was really hungry :p

[Alexa Stott]

My teacher always uses his hand to erase the board instead of the actual eraser so he always says he's giving himself cancer...

Student: You forgot the "r" in "hydrophobic."
Teacher [erases board, rewrites it, and still spells it wrong]: GAH! I can't spell. I am senile...must be the cancer.

This is from last year in orchestra (well, really from the concert...)
Student: I don't have a tie.
Teacher: Why not? I told everyone to wear a tie!
Student: I know, but someone stole it and flushed it down the toilet.

[Matt Krass]

Heh I have a whole website with quotes from teachers and students:
http://gchen.netfirms.com/ssq

Some of them have lost their humor, but I'm too lazy to go delete them.


2460. "He could work for Nasa, and be a rapper.. I don't know, some kind of gangsta scientist."

Dave??

[sanddrag]

Today in calculus class:

Student asks the professor to show how a certain problem is done. So, the professor turns his back to the class and begins working on the problem on the board and he gets about half way through and suddenly stops for a moment. And then he says "I can't do this" and a student says "I want my money back"

Also in calculus class today:

Professor: "Hrrm, [name] isn't here today"
[name]'s friend: "She's taking a nap"
Professor: "Did you ask if you could nap with her?"
Student: "She didn't offer."
Professor: "Why didn't you ask?"

And finally in calculus class today:

Professor: "I went to jail once"
Student: "Really, what for?"
Professor: "Well, I was visiting a place of ill repute when the police came and raided it."
Draw your own conclusions...

Anyway, this is one very messed up class.

[Beth Sweet]

And I have to make this addition just because it was said in class today and no one seemed to find it humerous but me (btw, this guy is the coolest professor ever!)

"Darwin's theory applied only to plants and animals, not to humans"

Apparently, humans are not animals. I just loved that no one else in the class except myself found the need to smirk at this...

[Timmyd]

my econ teacher says all the time " i cant help you I'm the janitor today "
i spilled my drink not even two seconds later " can you help me now? "

[TheShadow]

This is the list I gave to my AP Lit teacher at the end of last year (all from him):

“If it’s a concluding paragraph -- this just in: I know that”

“I love Oprah”

“The first option is required”

“Hey, look at me, I found flashback, I’m smart!”

“I take a day off: I forget your name, sorry.”

“It’s the same, but different.”

“I will give you it…maybe.”

“For the betterment of the good”

“It’s non-negotiable unless you see me”

[sanddrag]

One of the best teacher's I've ever had (5th grade).

When someone would speak too softly:

"Sorry, I'm deaf in this ear and I can't hear in this one."

[mechanicalbrain]

"Sorry, I'm deaf in this ear and I can't hear in this one."
Reminds me of "blind in one eye and can't see out the other"

I'm starting a new year as a junior and I'm starting to realize my math teacher is absolutely crazy. First he liberally uses acronyms like AIG (ain't it great), NTF (not that hard), DYJLI (don't you just love it), etc.... On top of that, he makes the weirdest sounds as he does them, I swear he sounds like a loony toon episode. The best part is that he keeps saying "we got the technology so lets use it" (referring to TI calculators) like a mantra and teaches everything by them yet has refused to let us use them on anything that has a grade associated with it (I know some of you will approve of that....). Frankly though, you know you have a good teacher when he starts talking about chipmunks nearly running him down while he is teaching you!

[wilshire]

MET 141 - "I will not tolerate magic in this course!"

precalc teacher at HS - "ITS JUST CIRCLE MATH!"
"Don't try and find the solution of that, you'll get an answer that won't make you happy" (presumes to draw a frown smilie on the board)

teacher: you see its like a pie except that pi equals half of that pie

student: what?

teacher: ITS JUST CIRCLE MATH!

Programming - (teacher talking to herself out loud)
"ahhhhh. stop. go away. I don't like you. Go shoo. STOP THAT. AHHHH"
"they didn't give us a network or internet because we're dangerous"
"look at that huge jump in technology and how we went from vacuum tubes to semiconductors. Really its all aliens that designed it. Watch the skies"

[anna~marie]

Again, my physics teacher... trying to explain why the F=ma equation is so cool...
F=ma is great because you get to say a lot of things are your ma!
Where there's a F there's an a!

[angelc24]

my chorus director at camp over the summer-
"you all sound like dying cats!"
(of couse you have to imagine someone saying this with an Australian accent)

[tiffany34990]

okies today...
you have to understand first it's an 8:00 AM chem class
so my professor was like "where is everyone? what happened? did everyone drop? is it because we have friday off or did the fog scare them away?"

our class today was probably about 80 kids rather then over 100 usually.. and it was really really foggy today

we all started to crack up a bit about the fog comment..she made it sound like the fog was gonna eat you up or something

[EricH]

Sorry to bring this back, but I couldn't resist:
"Sit. Stay."--My chemistry teacher to an eraser that fell off a white board tray

[kio_chan176]

Okay, here is what really happened, since neither of you guys got it right...

Girl: But those numbers don't fit on our graph paper!
Teacher: Well, you guys won't have to graph equations with numbers as big as those. But I can because I have a big thing.

I was there, so I would know! BWAH!

It happened in several classes. I know because I specifically remember him telling that to Roshni, who was in my period.

[Lisa Perez]

We're writing problems complete with solutions on the board. I finish mine and say, "So, the answer is 2e." Now, the professor usually asks the rest of the class for their consensus, so as to make sure they are paying attention and all, and this time he decides to go "2e, or not 2e? That is the question..."

[Church]

McGowan, our robotics mentor, has some great sayings. Very few make sense.

"If you weren't confused, you wouldn't know what's going on!"
--Whenever a student states their confusion

"If you were Japanese, this would be done by now!"
--Micky G loves Asians because he says they're harder workers than us lazy American teens

"Amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic."
--If you ask for help on your class project

"I'll order you guys pizza if you do it right/finish on time/win an award."
--He owes just about every student he's ever had quite a few pizza parties and the occaisional cupcake

"The parts are being delivered tomorrow."
--When he hasn't ordered them yet.

McGowan has the dirtiest classroom ever (I found petrified food behind one of his desks), and his solution: build a new classroom and demolish the old one. He's also good at sending e-mails that leave out key information such as date, time, or location. But in spite of all of his confusing-ness, he's a pretty awesome teacher (unless you want to learn something).

[lukevanoort]

Atlanta last year, our team founder said, "We need to play more offense or we won't get picked for the eliminations." Okay, a reasonable enough request. But later on after we had hurridly put the arm back together after a total rebuild to try to fix our bind problem. (It didn't work) "Finally, some offense." Then the cable that controlled the telescoping action snapped off. (catastrophic failures are so punctual)

"Turn your head sideways. That's why it's called a cleavage furrow"
-bio teacher

"There is no Angle Side Side theorum" (check the acronym)
-geometry teacher

"Can I borrow some Vicadin?"
-Net teacher (joking to a kid who was actually on it for medical reasons)

"Do you have any good drugs, or just the usual?"
-Net teacher (joking to a stoner)

"Boys, pull your pants down."
-English teacher (meant to say feet)

[Adam Y.]

You know someone in my differential equations class actually made a list of quotes my teacher said. Unfortuately half of them are a little inapproprate for chiefdelphi but here are some of the ones that are really funny.
"Sometimes I wonder if I can say nonsense up here and have people still believe me."
"Here is my favorite unit deathes per fish per day." -Yes we did a math problem on the rate of fish dying.
"You know I often wondered if I can walk up to my class and speak with an accent. You know make up an accent maybe Russian and then have half the class drop out. Then I would laugh and say I just wanted a smaller class."
"You know some people would say Im an ******* and of course they would be right"
Here is a quote from my circuits teacher about Steimitz:
"Piece of chalk one cent. Knowing what to do with the piece of chalk 999.99."

[EricH]

Dragging this up (again), but this is amusing.

Student: How many questions will be on the final?
Professor: Doesn't matter. I could put twenty, and you'd be out of here in half an hour. I could put five, and I'd have to yank your papers away at the end of class.

(Class: Calculus. Length of class: 2 hours, 30 minutes.)
This happened for the five "in-between" tests and the final.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

Okay... these are all from my English 101 prof this year. He's taught everywhere and traveled everywhere. Name's Galon.

"Nice Galon will have pity on you, but mean Galon will tear up your paper and toss you into the burning inferno!"

"To pass this class you have to learn to say one single four-lettered word that ends in k" (work) He scared away most of the class with that comment right there. We started with 25 people and ended with 5 people finishing the class.

Singing as he walked into the room on many occassions, "Today is the daaaaay! You all juuump offf a cliffff!"

"Jeremiah, you write like a lawyer. What is it you're going to become?" "Mechanical engineer." "Good, I don't want you to waste this kind of talent on talking junk, just building it."

[Mike Schroeder]

In high school, my drafting teacher said this to me after I jokingly told he he was loosing his memory,

Mike, I may wake up in the morning not knowing who I am, but at least I wake up and I know I not you......
everyone got a good laugh, it was funny

[ScoutingNerd175]

OH, yay!

My calculus TA is from Poland.

In the immortal words of my Calc 1 TA:
From the Syllabus:
"Please don't come too late to class- you may miss important information or lost connection with blackboard."
"The following behavior in class is prohibited: ... using musical instruments and singing."
"Any person who won't obey this rule will be asked to stay outside the classroom until the reason stops."

In class discussion:
"So, if you were playing a violin, you would have to sit outside until you stopped."
"The best way to understand the squeeze theorem is two cops and a drunk man."
"So think of e^x like a member of the army. And the drill Sergeant says do push-ups but one man wont do the pushups so the drill sergeant says to him 'do the push-ups or I will differentiate you' And the guy isn't afraid... because he's e^x and nothing happens to e^x when you differentiate it."

And my Anthropology TA:

1st email: Article for tomorrow's quiz attached.
2nd email: Sorry for my error. Here is the article for tomorrow's quiz.
3rd email: Article for tomorrow's quiz actually attached this time.
4th email: Article to be distributed tomorrow for next week's quiz.

My intro engineering prof after our lecture on binary addition.
Alright, kids. Now you can go call your mommies and tell them that you just learned to add 1 + 1. I'm sure they'll feel that they are getting their 40,000 dollars worth.

[KTorak]

I'll have to say that college classes tend to be more humorous becuase my comp teacher always had these weird stories and word puns.

But my H.S. Honors Pre-Calc teacher always says:
Teacher: "Does anyone know the answer to this?"
(student raises hand)
Teacher: "Anyone else?"
(a few more hands)
Teacher: "Ok, since your probably gonna be wrong becuase no one can answer it, does anyone care to not attempt to answer?"
(all the hands go bakc down at once).

or...

Teacher: "I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but you're dead wrong"

or...

Teacher: "Does anybody have a favorite it variable to use?"
(students shout out letters)
Teacher: "Now that we got that out of our system, let's use mine anyways..."

[BuddyB309]

One of our mentors on the team: (to matt) "Hey have you seen matt?" (Pause) "OH hey! you are Matt!" (laughs histarically)

anther mentor: "Man those guys at coca-cola are stupid. They put the top of the can on the bottom and the bottom of the can on top!" (takes pen and jabs it through side of can) "ahhh....... much better"

Film professor: (in a thick accent of course) "What did you think about the film in class yesterday?" (scilence) "anyone?" (more scilence) "What part do you remeber about the film?" (yet more scilence) "What was the name of the film?" (......) "anyone?" (pause) "how many of you went and saw the film?" (one person raises their hand) "Oh! one person! One whole person saw the film in class yesterday out of twenty. OK what did you like about the film" girl: "I cant remeber I fell asleep."

[neilsonster]

My Calc 1 prof was talking about indeterminate forms before showing us L'Hopital's rule, and he said, "If you had 0/0, then that would be dragons... because dragons don't exist, so they make no sense."

My electricity & magnetism prof this term is named Jim Martin, and we were studying AC circuits. He was showing us how to use phasors and expressing them in polar form and whatnot, and started writing "j" instead of "i" for complex numbers, and explained that this is common practice for electrical engineers since lowercase "i" is often used to represent current, but the main reason he used j instead of i was that he liked to think that "j stands for Jim."

[Jaypea]

TEACHER: Mr Britton, you are rude and crude!
STUDENT (Brian Britton): Mrs Fine, you are a poet and you didn't even know it.
TEACHER: GO TO THE OFFICE!

[Taylor]

As a teacher, I take pride in the fact that most of my sayings go right over the top of many students' heads. In fact, if more than 1/3 of the class laughs at one of my jokes, I consider it a failure.
One of my best (happened while I was berating the class on their poor homework completion percentages): "Honestly, I don't know if you're apathetic, or you just don't care."

[ZeetherKID77]

"We need some basketballs"

and then some kid says "I have two"

[ZeetherKID77]

And yet another...some kid and the teacher at the end of class

teacher: did u do your make up quiz yet
kid: u didnt give it to me

he had to finish his quiz at the end of the period lol

[Dan Petrovic]

"This test is created by the state, the administration and the teachers had nothing to do with this. We really don't care about you, in fact, we hate you!"

Jokingly of course.

trying to be completely serious "Anyone standing right now is volunteering for a vacation!" (instead of saying 'detention')

asking our class for our opinion "Is George Bush a good president...?" I don't mean to offend anyone, but I got a kick out of that

my teacher was explaining his bio chemistry class in college and how hard it was "...I passed the class and I'm a teacher..."

Sorry to bring this back, but I couldn't resist:
"Sit. Stay."--My chemistry teacher to an eraser that fell off a white board tray

Last year, whenever my biology teacher dropped a pen or something he'd say "stay there" and continue teaching.

I'm sure I'll have more soom

[Liz Smith]

Recently, during a review session for calculus, my professor was talking about the format for the final exam. He said that he asked the TA's for some creative ideas in order to make the final more enjoyable, and told us that the best idea they came up with was a 'choose your own adventure' type final... "If the limit of the function does not exist, go to question 6! If not, go to question 10!" Unfortunately, he didn't go through with it. :(

[trilogism]

Teacher:Who would like to see Mr. Beckett here drawn and quartered?(poiting at a student)

(Among others, Mr. Beckett raises his hand)

[ChrisH]

Freshman Calculus at UC Irvine circa 1977

Back then the campus was out in the sticks and most students were commuters. Dr McCarty was going over information about the final. He mentions there will be no "make up" exam.

Some wag from the back of the room asks "What if we're in an accident and bleeding to death on the freeway?"

McCarty's response "In that case for God's sake get to a doctor, some things are more important than passing my class"

[TubaMorg]

I went to a small high school in New Mexico where my English teacher and my Spanish teacher were the same guy. He also happened to be my girlfriend's father. One day in Spanish he told us to write a one page report on some topic (in Spanish, of course). A week later I got my paper back and on top it said:
"Congratulations! You are illiterate in TWO languages!" :yikes:

[ZeetherKID77]

One time my science teacher wrote something on the board and spelled it wrong. She erased it and said "I can spell..."

[A. Newlon]

These are all from the same teacher. I'll keep his name anonymous to protect his job :D

"Show that movie? In here?! All of you would die!"

"I'll tell you what to do with that paper, BURN IT!"

"How many critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'd first argue about the importance of light, then debate whether or not they're really in the dark."

"Mooooo."

"Newlon, I tried to save you."

"Newlon, tell me, what are your two life philosophies? What?! Buddhism and Stoicism?! Oh God... Good luck with that."

"Where are you now? In this class, right? Are you sure? How do you know? Are you here, or is this a dream? How could you prove to yourself, Newlon, that you're just sleeping? Kill yourself? Did you say kill yourself? Well, okay, I can understand your point about if you wake up, then you were asleep. What if you're awake? That would be an OOOPS. But have you thought of the other side of that? If you don't wake up, you were, in fact, really awake. Thus, killing yourself would be the last big OOOPS you ever make."


He's a bit crazy, we're so much alike ^^

[hallk]

"Actual Tuberculious is quite and you should not try to avoid it." Confusing statement made in a heavy accent by intro to Polish culture prof.

"I'm sure I'm going to make a mistake doing this so we are just going to pretend this problem doesn't exist. But be sure to solve it on your own because I will put it on the exam." Said by calc prof when the class couldn't solve a problem. Luckily it wasn't on the exam.

"The 60s were a great time. Too bad I don't remember much of them. Or was that the 70s?" Teacher ih hs history class

[Dominicano0519]

My science teacher tried to give a kid a negative 5 for a grade on his report card

when asked why by the principal he simply said
"class participation is worth 5 percent of the grade. he never came to class and the one day he came to class he lost points for acting up. So i took the 5 percent from his 0 percent and viola"

whats funny is the principal allowed him to do it

[ZeetherKID77]

My history teacher has one rule for his classroom: "You mess up my place, I mess up your FACE."

[Levin571]

Today I started my new class "Macroeconomic Principles" and the prof said some of the funniest line ever such as:

"You talking about my mother? I'll kick your ___" (You can guess what the word is)

When he talked about Canadian imports:
"When I buy a Toyota Camery... wait, that is made in Canada. So if I buy some Columbian cocaine which as far as I know is not produced locally, unless there is a subsidiary program I don't know about and if there is I want in..."

"Oh my god, there is a button on the control panel that is called 'take control'"

And lastly, the them of the lesson today was:
"The reason we all buy cocaine is that we have such a high income"

I am sorry if someone finds these not really appropriate, but I was not the one that said them.

[VEN]

blind in one eye and can't see out the other
haha my english teacher said that today. He also made a joke once, took a while for everyone to get it though:

How do you make a hormone? You kick her in the shin!

He jokes around A LOT.

My math teacher calls homework home entertainment and her sarcasm is cranked WAAAY UP!!! I love it haha.

And today in physics someone in my class asked if two bats fly towards each other would their ultrasonic waves interfere with each other causing them to collide. The teacher answered "No, they are synthesized" That was just plain awesome but I was one of the 3 people who actually got it.

[Wetzel]

A new teacher has put on his syllabus that after the second class our seats will become our permanent assigned seats. In a 300 seat lecture hall. :yikes:

Wetzel

[KTorak]

Today for my Honors Pre-Calculus Exam our teacher had this complex system of finding your seat. Once the first few kids got it right, we joked with the 4th kid saying that you lose 10 points automatically for being in the wrong seat. Well, once we began the exam our teacher correct the seat of three kids (while sitting at his desk) and in the calmest and most meaningful voice said "That's gonna be minus 10 points" and the look on the kids faces was PRICELESS!

When we got the exam review he also said "I'm not making you do this, it's not for a grade, and you don't have to turn it in. However, the same person that made this also made your exam" Then he proceeded to pass it out and walk back to his desk.

(We have a 'sarcastic' teacher who you can never tell if he is joking)

[Psychoflood]

Lead Mentor: "Remember, if the dog didn't stop to pee he wouldn't have been hit by the tree."

we're still not quite sure what this means.

[Robo_Cat_379]

Teacher: it is exactly the same but completily diffrent

[Dan Petrovic]

Yesterday during my french exam, my teacher stood up and said "Is anyone cheating? Raise your hand if you are cheating. No one's cheating? Good." and sat back down.

I guess it's under their list of things to do during exams. "Make sure students aren't cheating"

Also, a while ago, in a geometry class. One girl and one guy got in a little play arguement and they both stood up as if they were about to fight. The teacher said to the guy "Sit down before you start crying"

[d4nowar]

AP US History teacher last year: It is my job to impregnate women.

Yay for taking quotes out of context. =D

[Mister_Juggles]

My Latin teacher was trying to come up with a sentence for us to translate into latin, using different grammatical thingys that we had learned recently. He wrote this on the board: "Dahlia est faster that this faster." After fixing the sentence, which took a while, he said "Okay kids, remember why we don't do crack."

[raymaniac]

My bio teacher: "Yesterday I couldn't spell 'amino acids'. Today I are an expert in 'amino acids'." (Replace 'amino acids' with whatever we're studying, he does it for every topic)(it was kind of funny when we studied DNA)

Also my bio teacher: "There's a reson for everything I do. Sometimes it just takes a while to figure out what it is"

[sheltie234]

Student: "Uh, Mr. B... I'm completely lost"

Teacher: "Really? You’re in room 53 of Perry Meridian Middle School on Meridian School Road in Indianapolis, IN of the United States on the planet Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy on the border of the Alpha and Beta quadrants."

Student: "Yeah... but back to Algebra..."


Pre-Calc teacher: "Does anyone know what P(x,y) is? It's between 3 and 4." dealing with the unit circle

Student: "Is it... uh... pi?"

Teacher: "Yes, do you know why?"

Student: "Is it because..."

Teacher: "Correct!"


U.S. History teacher: "Does anyone know when we know the war with Iraq is over?"

Student: "When all of the troops are out?"

Teacher: "No, silly! It's when you'll be able to buy a car made in Iraq!"


Orchestra teacher: "Get the f in tune!!"

There are tons more, but these are all that I can remember for today

[Al Skierkiewicz]

My bio teacher: "Yesterday I couldn't spell 'amino acids'. Today I are an expert in 'amino acids'." (Replace 'amino acids' with whatever we're studying, he does it for every topic)(it was kind of funny when we studied DNA)

Also my bio teacher: "There's a reson for everything I do. Sometimes it just takes a while to figure out what it is"

This is a contraction of one of my favorites...Before I couldn't even spell engineer, now I are one. (spoken with an appropriate accent)