View Full Version : Jokes
Xavier Brandall
16-03-2009, 17:04
Anyone have any good jokes? Here's one to start the thread off:
Example AP test problem
Passage 1:
It was a red-blue car
Question 1
What color was the car?
a. red
b. blue
c. green
d. purple
e. yellow
correct answer:
e. yellow - you misinterpreted the passage.
well i guess im not passing the advanced placement test....good thing ive been accepted to the UofA anyways!
Following the Great Flood, Noah lets the animals out of the ark and gives them the command, "Go forth and multiply!".
Some time later, he goes about checking on them and is pleased to see that they have followed his command - chicks, foals, cubs, pups and other baby animals abound. Except for the snakes - no offspring to be found
Noah inquires why they haven't multiplied? To which the snakes reply, "We can't. We're adders.".
Noah is bothered by this, and takes compassion on the snakes. What can he give them? Finally he saws some sections of logs and makes some furniture for them.
More time passes, and Noah again visits the snakes. Baby snakes everywhere!
Noah is pleased, but confused. "I thought you said you couldn't do this?", he remarks. The snakes smile and reply, "Oh, it's much better since you gave us those log tables!".
Lil' Lavery
17-03-2009, 16:32
Following the Great Flood, Noah lets the animals out of the ark and gives them the command, "Go forth and multiply!".
Some time later, he goes about checking on them and is pleased to see that they have followed his command - chicks, foals, cubs, pups and other baby animals abound. Except for the snakes - no offspring to be found
Noah inquires why they haven't multiplied? To which the snakes reply, "We can't. We're adders.".
Noah is bothered by this, and takes compassion on the snakes. What can he give them? Finally he saws some sections of logs and makes some furniture for them.
More time passes, and Noah again visits the snakes. Baby snakes everywhere!
Noah is pleased, but confused. "I thought you said you couldn't do this?", he remarks. The snakes smile and reply, "Oh, it's much better since you gave us those log tables!".
....that's awful....
Bob Steele
17-03-2009, 17:23
The Average Math Knowledge of Society
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard , were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly high.
"I'll tell you what, " said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?"
They agreed, but once he'd left Joe called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a constant."
Liu_yiang
17-03-2009, 18:27
Math is like love. A simple idea that can get complicated fast.
cooldude8181
17-03-2009, 18:29
ok...
this ones not so funny, but it is a joke...
there are three types of people in the world...
those that can add, and those that cant.
That reminds me, can any of you guys tell me what the indefinite integral of 1/(cabin) d(cabin) is?
Xavier Brandall
17-03-2009, 18:36
Thanks for those who have submitted jokes so far. Here are a few more:
Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nerd_sniping.png :D
http://comprog.freeforums.org/download/file.php?id=3<<<I hope that works...
That reminds me, can any of you guys tell me what the indefinite integral of 1/(cabin) d(cabin) is?
houseboat! That one never gets old.:D
cooldude8181
17-03-2009, 22:44
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nerd_sniping.png :D
http://comprog.freeforums.org/download/file.php?id=3<<<I hope that works...
ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
XKCD is the best thing that ever happened!:) :) :)
Cow Bell Solo
18-03-2009, 02:26
ok...
there are three types of people in the world...
those that can add, and those that cant.
Somewhat along the same line
there are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that have a life, and those that don't
or another version
there are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that understand binary, and those that don't
Here is another one
Q: What is Brown and Sticky
A: A Stick
Another
I have such a large circumference cause I eat to much pi
One more
Q: Why is 6 scared of 7
A: Cause 7 eight 9
Lil' Lavery
19-03-2009, 13:49
As my 6th grade math teacher taught us, imaginary numbers are all fun and games until somebody loses an i.
"Engineers and scientists will never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
This can be mathematically represented as:
1. Knowledge = Power
2. Time = Money
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time.
Then it follows that:
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
e.g. If Knowledge = 0
then Money = Work / 0 = infinity
Conclusion: The less you know, the more Money you make.
"Engineers and scientists will never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
Yeah, but they're helpless without us. Something about having to have something to sell...
There are several shirts at my college poking fun at our archrival, which happens to be a liberal arts school. (SDSMT is engineering and science almost exclusively--the exceptions are general ed classes.) One of them gives the score of the last football game (we won by one point) and the starting salaries. Ours? The shirt gives the minimum. Theirs? The shirt gives the maximum, which is about half of our minimum...
The other thing is that engineers don't need a bailout to survive, they'll just invent something new and make money anyway.
Q: What do you get when you cross a salamander with a pineapple?
A: (Salamander)(pineapple)(sine-of-theta.)
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat with a mosquito?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a scalar with a vector.
Liu_yiang
25-03-2009, 20:49
What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
linklord231
27-03-2009, 23:23
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
cooldude8181
03-02-2010, 17:26
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Wayne Doenges
04-02-2010, 07:16
Think about this:
If the chips are down than the cows are eating pillows :D
3 out of 2 people have problems with fractions.
Thats about the only math joke I know or understand.
I'm right 90% of the time, who cares about the other 11%?
I heard that 72% of all statistics are made up on the spur of the moment.
Ken Leung
06-02-2010, 15:57
Anyone have any good jokes?
Ladies and gentlemen, he asked for good jokes.
Here are a few, courtesy to A prairie Home Companion's Joke Show:
"Last night i lay in bed, looking up at the stars... in the sky... and I thought to myself...
Where is the ceiling?"
...
Someone once asked, "After you are dead, what would you like people to say about you?"
First guy said, "I'd like them to say i was a great doctor, and a great family man."
Second guy said, "I'd like them to say I made a difference in the lives of many people."
Third guy said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he is moving.'"
...
And a speechwriting joke:
A long-suffering speechwriter promised one last address for his ungrateful politician boss. The first page of the speech says: "Some say we can't save the cities, improve the military and balance the budget - I say we can, and I'm going to tell you how right now. Some say you can't have environmental protection and economic growth - I say we can and I'm going to tell you how right now." The politician flips to the second page of the speech, which simply says:
"OK, now you're on your own."
(Excerpt From "White House Ghost")
If Ken can borrow a few jokes from the show Prairie Home Companion, I'll borrow one from the movie...
Two penguins are on an iceberg. One says to the other, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other responds, "What makes you think I'm not?"
One that I just remembered...
I can show that homework is a force.
Stress = Force/Area.
Stress also = Homework/Time (amount of homework/time left to finish it).
Therefore, Force/Area=Stress=Homework/Time.
Force/Area = Homework/Time
The numerators say that Force = Homework. Therefore, homework is a force.
One that I just remembered...
I can show that homework is a force.
Stress = Force/Area.
Stress also = Homework/Time (amount of homework/time left to finish it).
Therefore, Force/Area=Stress=Homework/Time.
Force/Area = Homework/Time
The numerators say that Force = Homework. Therefore, homework is a force.
Now...to manipulate it a bit farther. If we multiply both sides by Area/Homework we get:
Force/Homework=Area/Time
That means that as you apply more force to completing your homework or lower the amount of homework you have left, you'll increase the open space on your desk over time. Something interesting and true...It must prove the math.:ahh:
KrakatoaCoo
12-02-2010, 16:20
Here is a really good joke.
There are three doctors and three mathematicians boarding a train. The three doctors buy 1 ticket and the mathematicians buy 3 tickets. The mathematicians ask "How are you going to ride a train with 1 ticket?" The doctors replied, "You'll see." The 3 doctors fit in one bathroom and the mathematicians sit at seats. The conductor comes to the bathroom door and says, "ticket please". The doctors give one ticket.
On the way back, the mathematicians buy 1 ticket and the doctors don't buy tickets at all. The mathematicians ask "How are you going to ride a train with no tickets?" The doctors replied, "You'll see." The doctors go to one bathroom and the mathematicians fit into another bathroom. One of the doctors knocks on the mathematicians' bathroom and asks "ticket please?"
The more you Study, the less you Know.
The more you Study, the more you Know.
The more you Know, the more you can Forget.
The more you can Forget, the more you do Forget.
The more you do Forget, the less you Know.
Therefore, the more you Study, the less you Know.
Captain banana
12-02-2010, 18:08
you go to your friends house and take one thing off their wall. They will imediately notice something is missing ask you where it is. you say no. Then you go over again and sneak back onto the wall and look at their exclamation of astonishment.
[TBT] Vampire
18-02-2010, 17:42
A father is sitting in his office typing on his laptop. His eldest daughter walks in and asks "Daddy, why'd you name me Rose?"
He replies "Because when you were born we dropped rose petals on your head."
She says "Oh okay," and walks out.
Fifteen minutes later his other daughter walks in and asks "Daddy, why'd you name me Daisy?"
He replies "Because when you were born we dropped daisy petals on your head."
She says "Oh okay," and walks out.
Ten minutes later his son walks in and says "Hurggh hurr flurr suhrrrr"
The father looks at him and says "Shut up, Cinderblock."
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