Misc. Hilarious Quotes
 

gene: "can i just say one thing?"

bruce: "say it baby, just say it."

gene: "im staring here at rock legend bruce dickenson."

bruce: "the c*** of the walk baby."

gene: "and if bruce dickenson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell."

bruce: "say it baby."

gene: "and bobby you are right, i am being selfish. but the last time i checked we dont have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell."

bruce: "i gotta have more cowbell baby."

gene: "and i would be doing myself a dis-service and every member of this band if i didnt perform the heck out of this!"

bruce: "guess what, i got a fever, and the only prescription, is more cowbell."


its all about having 4 episodes of snl jeopardy, tv funhouse: bambi 2002, and blue oyster cult in mpeg format on your laptop:)

i was sitting in my room last night watchin tv and thought it would be interesting to have a thread about funny quotes from all over the place (simpsons, snl, etc.). so help out and add a few.

"THANK GOD IT LANDED IN THAT SMOKING CRATER!"
--Police Chief Wiggum

from tonights simpsons:
warden: he painted a unicorn is space, whats he breathing?
homer: air?
warden: theres no air in space
homer: theres an air and space museam

"My mom was a b**** too, but you never saw me write any songs about it." ------Triumph the insult comic dog, refering to his eminem encounter at the 2002 VMA's

Smithers! Use the amnesia ray!

You mean the revolver?

Precisely! And remember when you're done to use it on yourself!

Heres a couple of my favorites....
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You know what they say if you fall off the horse... make duct tape pants and climb back on!
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Are you done w/ your paper?-
Yeah, I’m done.... done careing.-
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I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.
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"You're only a kid once, but you can be immature forever"
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"I like long walks, especially when they are
taken by people that annoy me."
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pi**ed me off. Amen.
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"This one's so sick even I'm nervous." -Dean Kamen
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Sorry, those are just some of my favorites...

A quote that I found that I liked is,
"I know that the best things in life are free, but why do the next best things have to cost so much."

So much from the Simpson, but I'll only post one quote.
Homer Simpson: "To Start Press Any Key. Where's the ANY key? I see Esk, Catarl, and Pig-Up. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. Oh, no time for that. Computer starting!"

"90% of eerything is crud"

"A Smith&Wesson beats 4 aces"

"if it jams, force it. if it breaks, it needed replacing anyways"

"it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money"

and my fav "there is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over"

-all by Murphy

From the movie MICHAEL


"remember sparky no matter what anyone tells you, you can never have to much sugar"

I think it's always funny how people say "it's as cheap as dirt". If you've ever taken a look at your local home or garden center, dirt is actually quite expensive.

Murphy's Laws
 

"two wrongs are only the beginning"

"When all else fails, read the instructions"

"You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you go fast enough"

" When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder."

"Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons"

and most importantly...

"Murphy was an optimist":)

"sweating like a pig" Uhh...too bad pigs can't sweat.
"I could care less" Ohh...so you do care!
mehh...

One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite authors:

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
- Douglas Adams

That applies SO MUCH to robotics that it's not even funny.

one of my favorite lines from one of the first They Might be Giants Albums is

"If you hear only one song this year, there is somthing seriously wrong with you"

There're really too many quotations to post, but here's another of my favorites:

"I don't expect to achieve immortality through my work. I expect to achieve immortality through not dying."
--Woody Allen

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -Albert Einstein

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."

:D

Time is bunk.
 

Tooo many great Douglas Adams quotes

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

"`My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'"

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles about the surface of an alien planet.

And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more."

Now if those quotes dont' make those of you who haven't read The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy read it, and its sequels, then nothign ever will. These books are HILARIOUS READ THEM!!!!

Two Douglas Adams quotes that I will never forget:

and


This is not to mention Zaphod, Marvin, or any of the other hilarious characters in the series. If you haven't read these books, though it seems many of us have, you should.

These are pretty funny. The 1st one is so true, the 2nd one is just funny

"Look at the screw from the nuts' prespective!"
Chris Carnevale, NHS member 2000-02


"...Whatever i say, is stupid!"
Dave Price, NHS Coach 2000-01

"I am gonna get down and dirty with my hoe"
Tim Allen, Home Improvement


Badjokeguy

Deism is like a football punt.
--My AP European history teacher.

42.
--Douglas Adams

In this class, there are no answers. It is your job to make stuff up.
--My current English teacher.

I am the last person that will ever love you.
--A TechEd teacher at my school talking to a group of seniors about going to college

Estoy embarazada.
--Countless people in my Spanish class who think they're saying that they are embarassed. It actually means pregnant.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, is about as welcome as a Microsoft licensing amendment.
--The BOFH

Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut?
--Phil Hughes on Open Source Software

"Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes -- children, puppies -- it doesn't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?"

"Then why does God give us anything to start with?"

"Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop, then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power."

-Chef on Kenny's Terminal Disease

On the topic of classic novels...
 

You ever wondered where Altavista got the name "Babelfish" from? Yep, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Found this one online - pretty long, but worth the read =)

Aurora Sparc was handing out bumper stickers with that statement on them, at Linux World, this year... I got a good handful.

They also had "Convicts should make license plates, not computer software." bumper stickers.

"Oh yeah? Well, my mother's an ex-postal employee....Be afraid!"

From: Me!

Are you threatening me with anthrax?

"If you make an idiot-proof machine, someone will make a better idiot":)

Nah...Just random insane voilence. are you familiar with the term "Going Postal" ?

It just means that I know a possibly insane woman, and I'm not afraid to use her.

Are you threatening me with possibly insane women?

"It must be very humiliating to be caught creeping by daylight!" from The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

MissInformation

<===========>
Has never crept by daylight...

"What ever person said nothing was impossibe never tried to slam a relvoving door"

A great friend of mine wrote this...

It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane

Good piece! I did a thesis paper on The Yellow Wallpaper once, it's a very good, darkly humerous in some parts (like when they have the husband faint at the end) completely disturbing story.

MissInformation

<===========>
She never worried when I went crazy, she always knew I would be back early...

I dun'no I guess it depends on how you take it. I personally find possibly insane people very entertaining. They keep you in your toes and make you think......Probably not the safest way to broaden your horizons though. I wouldn't recommended it to the faint of heart.

Are you threatening me with "dun'no"?

Lol! I'm so flattered that a male of our species is interested enough in me to try and bait me. That's so sweet.Lol

But seriously, I'm not the least offended by your challenge of my remarks.

"That doesn't hurt!"

"It's only a flesh wound!"

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

(Said by me after biting a glowstick to open it to put the glowing liquid in my hair)

It tastes like crap at first, but then you get used to it!!

On a late night, in the 2002 season, I became quite frustrated while working on our control system...

"@#$!$@#$!$@#$!$@#$!$@#$!$@#$!$!! WHY ISN'T THIS POT WORKING?"

I immediately realized the implications of my statement, just as everyone else in the room did, and promptly burst into laughter, despite the fact that I was quite pissed off...

If you keep falling off the hores, shoot it and buy a car.

If you can't stand the heat, use Fastpass and go get a soda.

Do you believe in love in first sight.... or should I walk past you again?

Going to church dosn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a grage makes you a car.

And last, from the Simpsons....

Nooo! English side directions ruined. Must use French side.... Le Grille.... WHAT THE HELL'S THAT!!!

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you pick the little round one in the corner and its always coconut.... or perhaps your weird and like coconut, in that case you get chocolate truffle which everyone else likes but since you bite into it first to find out what it is, no one wants it and consequentially you dont like chocolate truffle because like I said your weird. So in the end everyone gets screwed and its all your fault!"

I went to the dentist (ugh) a few hours ago and my mouth is still numb even though they swore they were using something that wears off quickly. Well I e-mailed my friend and said:

"If this stuff is supposed to wear off quickly, then how come I still feel like I'm doing a really bad Elvis impersonation?"

My friend said she had just taken a drink of water and she sprayed it all over her monitor and keyboard when she read that!

MissInformation

<===========>
Score: 5 to 2 in my favor

Lisa: (reading Comic Book Guy's shirt) "C:\Dos. C:\Dos\Run. Run\Dos\Run!" (laughs) "Only one-in-a-million would find that funny."

Professor Frink: "Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller Ratio."

Computer History
 

"How could this (Y2K) be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?" - Al Gore

"Computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

"Get your feet off my desk, get out of here, you stink, and we're not going to buy your product." - Joe Keenan, President of Atari, responding to Steve Jobs' offer to sell him rights to the personal computer he and Steve Wozniak had developed. 1976

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." - Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

"640k ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981