Best joke you've heard
 

What's the best joke you've heard? It would be preferable if it's something uncommon, and the moderators probably don't want to see anything off color. Here's my best, at least recently:

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma
School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for
May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr.
Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as,
''Why do airplanes fly?'' on his final exams. His
one and only final exam question in May 1997 for
his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class
was:
''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your
answer with proof.''

Most of the students wrote proofs of their
beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then
they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole
of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls
entering hell, let us look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, then you will go to
hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all people and
souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's law
states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter hell, then the
temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose. 2. If hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until hell freezes over. So which is
it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa
Manyan during Freshman year, ''that it will be a
cold night in hell before I sleep with you'' and
take into account the fact that I still have NOT
succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is
exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

for the final exam in a philosophy class the professor walked in, picked up a chair and put it on the table.

He told the class "your final is an essay - using everything you have learned in this class convince me that this chair does not really exist"

all the students except one started writing furiously, quoting the great philosophers they had studied they laid down their logical arguments for page after page

except that one student. He sat quietly for several minutes, then smiled, scribbled something on a piece of paper for a second - handed it to the professor and walked out.

The other students were stunned that he had left with an hour and a half left - they were even more stunned when the grades were posted later that week, and he received the only A.

They grumbled and organized a mob and marched down to the professor office and demanded to see the 3 second paper that had earned the only A.

The professor gladly complied. There scrawled on the page were only 2 words:

What chair?

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

This amused and made me think foundly of all my team mates. What's sad is that I could honestly see this happening to a few of my adult mentors. :D

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

hahaha ... those are funny .. heres one that may not qualify as the best joke ive ever heard, but it can be quite amusing:

three couples go out on a date. the first guy being all smooth goes to his lady "will you pass me the honey, my bumblebee". the second one trying to measure up goes "will you pass me the sugar, me sweetie". the third one, trying to be better goes to his "will you pass me the milk, cow"

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

can you only have one 'best joke' ?

Q: do you know the difference between ground coffee and kitty litter?
A: no, what?

well thats explains this mornings coffee! :ahh:

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Every one has heard this one a million bajillion times but its still my favorite.

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I dont know.

Q: Wanna go ride bikes.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

I dont think thats very funny - I have HADD myself and I get really tired of...ummm. HEY! its snowing outside - isnt this like the 3rd day of spring? whats up with that?

what was I saying before?!

oh yeah - the buckeye regional is going to be a blast - lots of top notch teams -cant wait

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Ok...not the best but...I had to post this up because personally know atleast three people on my team who have done all of these. #6 happened most recently when I was with an adult mentor in Best Buy in NJ and he asked about a laptop...it was...well...odd.

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.


"Why did the robot take Viagra? It wanted more hardware..."

I wasn't sure if I should post this one so...check the site for 110 things you learn in college.
http://www.ahajokes.com/learn.html

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

A blonde walks into her first college exam of the year and sits down. Everything is going well except that every couple of minutes the blonde looks up from her test, stares straight ahead, and claps twice. The professor says nothing for awhile but after about thirty minutes of this, he can't take it any longer and asks the blonde why she insists on clapping twice every few minutes. The blonde looks at him as though he is the biggest idiot in the world and in a very saucy manner answers him saying...
"The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

A pie and a muffin are sitting in an oven.

The muffin says, "wow, it's hot in here!"

The pie says, "wow, a talking muffin!"


:yikes:

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an New Yorker were on a plane. The plane crashes in the jungle, and they all get captured by canibals. The canibals say 'Well we've got good news and we've got bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you, eat you and use your skins for canoes. The good news is you get to choose the way you die.'

The Frenchman says 'Give me a sword.' He says 'Vive le France', slits his throat, and he dies.

The Englishman says 'Give me a pistol.' He says 'God save the Queen,' shoots himself in the head and he dies.

The New Yorker says 'Give me a fork.' He takes the fork and stabs himself all over his body.

The canibals look at him and say, 'What the heck are you doing?' and the New Yorker says 'There goes your freaking canoe.'

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

So theres this Blonde, Brunette and a Redhead driving down the road when all of a sudden there car breaks down. They all get out and begin to walk, eventually they come upon a barn, they decide its a good place to shack up for the night. They all go inside and begin to find a place to sleep. The farmer hears them open the door and go inside, so he comes out to investigate. When the girls realize the farmer they all quickly hide in three burlap sacks.

When the farmer comes in to the barn, he walks over to the first bag, and pokes it. The Redhead inside thinks furiously for a few seconds and then suddenly says "Meow Meow". "Stupid Cat" says the farmer. He moves on to the bag with the Brunette in it and pokes it. The brunette inside thinks furiously for a few seconds and then says "Woof Woof". "Stupid Dog" says the farmer. He moves on to the final bag with the Blonde in it, and pokes it just like he did with the previous two. The Blonde inside thinks quickly and says

"Po-Ta-To"

:D

-Aaron

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Katie reminded me of another one

this is suposively a true story

a teacher is trying to get their students to understand compassion and kindness, even towards your enemies. so she tells the class about a big mean wild dog, who gets lost in the woods for days, and is near death for lack of food.

Finally the dog comes across a small boy in a yard, and says to the boy, "im normally a mean and wild animal, but being lost and starving for 3 days has convinced me to change my ways - if you will give me something to eat, I wont bite you, in fact, Ill be your friend for the rest of my life."

then the teacher points to one boy in the class, and asks, "Billy, what do you think that boy will say?"

and Billy replies, "I think he would say, HOLY &^*#!!! a talking dog!"

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Two blondes are in a parking lot trying to unlock thier car after they left thier keys in it.
First blonde: "This coathanger isn't working."
Second blonde: "You better hurry. It's starting to rain and the tops down!"

A blonde and a redhead are walking down the street.
Redhead: "I think my husbands having an affair."
Blonde: "Who's catering?"

Two blondes were lost in the wilderness and they came upon some tracks.
First blonde: "Those look like deer tracks."
Second blonde: "No, No, they look more like moose tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Ok ok ok - as long as we're going with the blonde jokes here ...

A blonde walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender "Hey, can I watch your TV?" The bartender looks at her and says, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." A bit discouraged, she goes home and dyes her hair a dark, dark brown.

The next night, she goes back to the same bar and says, "Hey can I watch your TV?" The bartender takes a quick look at her and replies, "We don't serve blondes here." And shows the blonde the door. Confused, the blonde goes home and shaves off all of her hair.

She returns the next night to the bar and once again asks, "Hey, can I watch your TV?" Barely looking at her, the bartender replies, "No. We don't serve blondes here." Perplexed, the blonde says, "Ok. I dyed my hair and you knew I was a blonde. Then I shaved it off and you still knew! What's your secret?"

The bartender looks at her and says, "That's not a TV. It's a microwave."

Yuk yuk yuk ... :D

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

ok this is the funniest story I think Ive ever heard.

A family owned a beautify, well trained and gentle golden retreiver named Rex. Late one august night Mike was sitting at his kitchen table having a snack before bedtime, and Rex came scratching at the door. Mike opened the door to let him in, and there was Rex, holding the neighbors pet rabbit "Fluffy" in his jaws.

Mike was shocked! He scolded Rex and Fluffy fell from his mouth to the floor - dead, covered with dirt.

Mike picked the poor bunny up and placed him on the kitchen table. they had been friends with the neighbors for years, and he didnt know how he was going to tell them what Rex had done. He turned to Rex and scolded him again "BAD DOG! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MR FLUFFY?"

Mike was worried that this sort of thing could cost them their neighbors friendship, but then he got an idea. They had Fluffy for a long time. Fluffy was old anyway - maybe he could convince them that he had simply died of old age?

So he got his wifes shampoo and washed the dead rabbit up in the kitchen sink, got his wifes blow dryer and got Fluffy looking nice again, brushing his fur - he almost looked like he was asleep.

Mike waited till 3AM, then snuck over the back fence and put Fluffy back in his hutch - then went home, closed the door quietly. He took one last look to see if anyone saw him, and felt terrible for being dishonest with his best friends, but thought this was the best thing to do. Hopefully they will think Fluffy died in his sleep.

The next morning at 6am there was a pounding on his door. He opened it and there was his neighbor, looking very upset and angry.

Mike! weve got a serious problem!

before Mike could say anything his neighbor continued: We've got some really sick person living in this neighbor hood. SICK!

Mike was taken aback, and said 'what do you mean?'

Well yesterday Fluffy died. We had a little ceremony for him and buried him in a shoebox behind our garden. And last night some sick creep dug him up, gave him a shampoo, and put him back in his cage!

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Two blondes walk into a bar.

Ow!

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Since I work with two blondes and a redhead I hear jokes all day and I have two more to add to this thread.


A blonde and a redhead were in a bar watching the news on TV. Reporter on news:"This just in! A man is about to jump off a bridge!" The redhead turns to the blonde and says:"I'll bet you $100 the guy jumps." The blonde:"You have a bet!" They both turn back to the TV in time to see the guy jump. The blonde gets $100 out of her purse and hands it to the redhead. The redhead feels guilty and says:"I can't take your money. I saw the news earlier and knew he would jump." The blonde:" I saw the news earlier too, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


How do you know when a redhead has forgiven you?

When she quits doing your laundry in the toilet bowl!

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

One of my team mates recently told me this joke, its short so bear w/ me.


What goes clip-clop bang clip-clop bang?























An Amish Drive-by.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Ok here goes one- it's slightly amusing:

A man walks into a bar one night and sits down and orders a drink. the bartender serves him and a phone starts to ring. The bartender glances at his phone, but it's not his. He looks to the man who is know speaking "Friday night? You sure? Fine, fine. I'll talk to you later, bye." The man then continues drinking his drink. "Who were you talking to?" the bartender asks. The man says "I had a phone call, and i answered" "But you didn't have a phone!" the bartender says. The man grins, "I know, but i have a phone in me" the bartender shakes his head in disbelief. "You're crazy"
The phone rings again, and the man starts speaking "Hi! Yeah, i can't talk right now... see you tomorrow." The bartender shakes his head in disbelief. He's about to ask the man a question about this supposed phone inside him when the man gets up and walks to the restroom. After about 15 minutes, the bartender is worried- maybe the guy passed out. He goes into the restroom and sees the man bent over with toilet paper coming out of his rear end. "What the heck do you think you're doing!?" the bartender yells, disgusted. The man replies, "Um, could you excuse me please? i'm receiving a fax here."

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Not quite the best jokoe I've ever heard, but:

A man is going to the Bahamas to check out a house he's looking to buy down there. He gets down and sends an email to his wife, who is supposed to come check it out with him soon.

The next day, a new widow is checking her email and from the next room, her daughter hears a scream. She goes into the computer room to find her mother has fainted and is on the floor.

She wonders: what could have made her faint? So she looks on the computer screen and reads the email:

Honey:
I'm sorry that I had to go before you, but it's great around here! You wouldn't believe how many nice people are here, and there's even a couple people I know from work.
We're getting ready for your arrival next week. Love you!

PS--It sure is warm down here!

So, whaddaya think?

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Jake, that joke was amazingly subtle. I had to read it a second time to get it. I think I need more vulgar, hit me in the face stuff ;)

Why did the dead [fill in blank] cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.

*don't hit me!*

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

I think that's one of the funnier things I've heard in my life...

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

A rich, well-loved cardiologist lived a long and prosperous life, but, finally passed away as we all tend to do. Being the all-around nice guy that he was, his many friends and co-workers gave him a spectacular funeral.

As they all stood and watched, his mahogany coffin slid along tracks into the crematory doors. Encircling the crematory doors was a massive ornate heart, made of roses and carnations, to signify all the hearts he had touched, literally and figuratively.

Suddenly, one of the doctor's best friends began to laugh histerically. Quite angry at the outburst, everyone turned to glare at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was just thinking: I'm a gynecologist, so what's my funeral gonna be like?"

The proctologist gasped and fainted.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Physics teacher to a blonde student: What is the speed of light in a vaccuum?
Blonde: Is it on?

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Here's one that I got from a cousin in an email a long time ago. It's not the best I've heard, but anyways, here it is...

TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS
MUST BE FEMALE

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.
2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed
to memory for future reference.
4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and
they don't, won't, or can't follow it.
5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on
particularly if you already have a floppy in.
6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your
computer will get it.
7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
8. A better model is just around the corner.
9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.
10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

Here's one that I read on a website long ago.

A blonde and a brunette inherit their father's farm and notices that they don't have any bulls. So the brunette leaves to find a bull for their farm with $100 in her pocket. She finds a bull and buys it for $99. She then sets out to the post office. She finds asks the man there and asks, "Excuse me, I need to send a message to my sister. How much is it?" The man replies, "It's $1 per word." The brunette thinks about it for a while and says, "I need to tell her to bring the truck so we can haul the bull back to our farm. I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The man replies, "How in the world is your sister supposed to know to pick up the bull by sending her the word 'comfortable'?" The brunette responds, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slow."

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

a friend sent me this today:

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are freaking impossible to please. The exit is to your left,
We hope you fall down the stairs."

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

To follow up all the blonde jokes...

A ventriliquist (don't know how to spell) is finishing up his act with the usual blonde jokes. Afterwards, a blonde stands up and starts yelling, "Hey, I don't apreciate you spreading all those stupid jokes. Everyday I have to put up with people acting like I'm a complete idiot. It's really annoying."

He starts to feel really bad and says, "I'm sorry, I never really thought about it that way. I didn't mean to..."

But the blonde cuts him off and says, "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee!"

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

This is another blonde one I was sent by email awhile back.


TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS :

1. water-proof towel

2. solar powered flashlight

3. submarine screen door

4. a book on how to read

5. inflatable dart board

6. dictionary index

7. helicopter ejector seat

8. powdered water

9. pedal powered wheel chair

10. water proof tea bag

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

Some jokes are funny, but some could be seriously taken as offensive. You could tell me to lighten up. But please understand that it takes respect to gain respect. Sorry, just had to put in my two cents. Keep going.

Re: Best joke you've heard
 

hey, if james bond could do it in golden eye....

ejection seat
 

The US military had actually devlopted an ejection seat for a helicopter. It used explosive bolts to shot the roters off of the mast before the seat ejected. However they found it to be too costly, and all the bolts did not explode all of the time.

:yikes: