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"You Might Be an Engineer If..."
Found this at http://funnies.paco.to/engineerTraits.html and thought some of you may find it funny...
You might be an engineer if... If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think your computer looks better without the cover If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your lap-top computer costs more than your car If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate |
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just to add one that wasn't there.
If you Think Bald or balding is an acceptable hair style... :) |
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My personal favorite engineer identification test:
==================================== Engineers Explained People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation * Important social contacts * A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: * Get it over with as soon as possible. * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: 1. How smart they are. 2. How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. |
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And I'm not an engineer... |
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So just stamp "GEEK" on my forehead, and let me get back to watching "Myth Busters" :) -dave |
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Trials and Triblations - DS9 Endgame - Voyager Encounter at Farpoint - TNG Broken Bow - Enterprise Who Mourns for Morn? - DS9 Do I get bonus points for knowing the series? Quote:
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... I used to think I was a geek, but now I see I am sadly mistaken ...
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Well, NBC's gotta try something different to get out of third place... :D
(Personally, I'd be thrilled with a little more sports coverage.) |
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i dunno... i have a habit of destroying things to see how they work... n making thing more complicated than they have to be :D
just pm/IM me about super toilet. lol. it's one of my best/worse ideas. hehe. gotta go? bring it on! |
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Actually, never mind, it really doesn't matter. -dave "Oooohhhh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day..." "It's only a flesh wound! Come back you pansy!" "I heard he nailed your head to the floor?" "Yeah, well I deserved it, didn't I? After all, I had broken the unwritten law." "We are three wise men." " Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me." "There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all." "Uh, well, one." "Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid." "Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping. This is my favorite." "It is the middle of the dark ages, ages darker than anyone had expected." "Dead? That's no excuse for laying off work." "Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence." |
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*arm is cut off* Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis just a scratch. Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off Black Knight: No it isn't Arthur: What's that then? Black Knight: I've had worse. Arthur: You're a liar Black Knight: Come on you pansy. *other arm chopped off* Arthur: Victory is mine. *sinking to his knees* I thank thee O Lord that in thy... Black Knight: Come on then Arthur: What! Black Knight: *kicks Arthur* Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. Black Knight: Had enough? Arthur: You stupid *There's children here*. You haven't got any arms left. Black Knight: Course I have. Arthur: Look! Black Knight: What! Just a flesh wound. Arthur: Stop that. Black Knight: Had enough...? Arthur: I'll have your leg. Black Knight: *kicks Arthur* Arthur: *chops off one leg* Black Knight: I'll do you for that. Arthur: You'll what...? Black Knight: Come here. Arthur: What are you going to do. Bleed on me? Black Knight: I am invincible Arthur: You're a looney Black Knight: The Black Knight always tiumphs. Have at you? Arthur: *chops other leg* Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw. Arthur: Come, Patsy. Black Knight: Running away, eh? You yellow *there's children here*, come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! *there's children here* = my very own censors :D |
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-dave |
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Brian has my vote for Uber-Geek of the year here on CD. :p *cough* holy grail was one of the worst movies I ever saw *cough* That attack bunny barely made it worth watching. |
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