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here is one of my favorite one-liners:


"I love to go down to the playground by my house and watch the children run and jump around ... They don't know I'm firing balnks."

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I wonder if that's the same BMW convertible that the blonde was locked out of? The coat hanger trick wasn't working too well and she was getting frustrated. Time was running out since it was starting to rain................and she had left the top down. :D

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Since we have determined that the owner of this vehicle, which is very shiny, is a 'she' - she may be new to the blond thing - therefore not being able to multi-task with the door lock & coat hanger. Turning blond @ 50 does that sometimes.

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Hey, Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub, and the one penguin says to the other "Hey, could you pass me the soap?" so the other penguin replies "What do I look like, a radio?"

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A neighbor of mine forgot his anniversary two years in a row.
His wife was really mad, obviosly.
She told him "There better be something new and shiny sitting in the driveway come morning, and it better go 0 to over 200 in under 5 second when I use it or else!"

Next morning, there it sat on the driveway.............................

A new bathroom scale.

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Tools and Their Uses...
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@# TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

-Andy A.

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a blonde walks into a bar and says ouch

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It was raining cats and dogs this morning. On my way to school I stepped in a poodle.

:rolleyes:

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Do you know why they make dumb blonde jokes so short?

So the redheads can remember them & so the brunettes get them.

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Sorry but this has to be the most corny
"Did you hear about the farmers cow that wouldnt produce milk?"
"He was udderly disapointed"

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I don't know about that...try this one:
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?
--Too many ears.

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die in the rain.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

New Yorker:
Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Philadelphian:
Cluck you!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Hillary Clinton:
That's MY chicken.

Melanie Griffith:
Don't lie about your chicken. Defy it.

Dan Quayle:
Chikken, did sumone saye chikken?

Jack Nicholson:
You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road. You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF!

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?!

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I have a feeling this one will raise questions but it still works....

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those whom understand binary and those whom don't.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because frogs became and endangered species.
(Frogger heh)