Jokes
 

Q: If you have a canoe in your closet with four flat tires,
how many pancakes does it take to flatten a bowling ball?

A: A string this red.

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A pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeeper notices that there's a steering wheel on the front of the guy's pants. So the barkeeper asks "What's with the steering wheel?", to which the pirate responds "Aarr, it's driving me nuts!".

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OK - what I'd like to know is which of these ^^ two most offends y;)u?
----

Without cracking a smile, the bartender asks, "So, where are your buccaneers?", to which the pirate responds "Aarr, they be under me bucking hat!"

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I actually don't get the first one. lol.

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That's because the first one is rated PG - the next two rated "Aarr"

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Heh, I think that one has to be the best corny joke of them all!

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I concur

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No, this is.

Q: Why couldn't the ten year-old get into the pirate movie?

A: Because it was rated Arrr! :D

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what do you call 100000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

a good start.

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One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake run into each other. They decide to try and describe each other. The snake says to the rabbit: "you've got a twitchy nose, long furry ears, and whiskers." The rabbit says: "wow, I must be a rabbit! lets see, you've got cold, scaly skin, and a tongue thats going about a million miles an hour!" The snake says: "darn, I must be a lawyer!"

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This one is direct from cartalk.com.


One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


Yes, I know, horrible. :D

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Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

--Professional courtesy.

(Don't get me started on jokes....Let's just leave it at that.)

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What is the difference between a duck?

One of his legs is both the same!

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here is one of my favorite one-liners:


"I love to go down to the playground by my house and watch the children run and jump around ... They don't know I'm firing balnks."

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I wonder if that's the same BMW convertible that the blonde was locked out of? The coat hanger trick wasn't working too well and she was getting frustrated. Time was running out since it was starting to rain................and she had left the top down. :D

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Since we have determined that the owner of this vehicle, which is very shiny, is a 'she' - she may be new to the blond thing - therefore not being able to multi-task with the door lock & coat hanger. Turning blond @ 50 does that sometimes.

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Hey, Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub, and the one penguin says to the other "Hey, could you pass me the soap?" so the other penguin replies "What do I look like, a radio?"

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A neighbor of mine forgot his anniversary two years in a row.
His wife was really mad, obviosly.
She told him "There better be something new and shiny sitting in the driveway come morning, and it better go 0 to over 200 in under 5 second when I use it or else!"

Next morning, there it sat on the driveway.............................

A new bathroom scale.

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Tools and Their Uses...
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@# TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

-Andy A.

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a blonde walks into a bar and says ouch

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It was raining cats and dogs this morning. On my way to school I stepped in a poodle.

:rolleyes:

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Do you know why they make dumb blonde jokes so short?

So the redheads can remember them & so the brunettes get them.

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Sorry but this has to be the most corny
"Did you hear about the farmers cow that wouldnt produce milk?"
"He was udderly disapointed"

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I don't know about that...try this one:
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?
--Too many ears.

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die in the rain.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

New Yorker:
Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Philadelphian:
Cluck you!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Hillary Clinton:
That's MY chicken.

Melanie Griffith:
Don't lie about your chicken. Defy it.

Dan Quayle:
Chikken, did sumone saye chikken?

Jack Nicholson:
You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road. You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF!

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?!

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I have a feeling this one will raise questions but it still works....

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those whom understand binary and those whom don't.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because frogs became and endangered species.
(Frogger heh)

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There are really 3 types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

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I think you may have underestimated the kind of people who hang out on this forum. :)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you must be Matthew -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of h*** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks a little haughtily, "So, how's it going down there in h***?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? There must have been a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God answered, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Research scientist have started using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments for two reasons.
One, they don't become emotionally attached to the lawyers and two, there are some things even a rat won't do.

If a turtle looses it shell, is it naked or homeless? :D

Three robots drive into a bar. The forth one had a better driver.

A brunette and a blond bought a cattle ranch. They had just $500.00 to buy a bull. The brunette goes to Texas and finds a bull for $499.00. She goes to the Western Union to telegraph the blond to bring the trailer. The operator says it is $1.00 per word. The brunette thinks for a moment and has the operator send the word 'comfortable'. The operator gives her a puzzled look and ask why 'comfortable'. The brunette says "my blond friend will read it as "Come for the bull".

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Actually its dead.

And everybody knows that there are 11 types of people in this world. Those who can count in binary, those who can't, and those who know this joke should go there are 10 types of people in this world.

What do you do when a blond in the army throws a pin at you?
Duck for cover.

How do you get down from a elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.

So theres a blind man who walks into a bar and he says after a couple of drinks, "ANybody want to hear a blond joke?"
The lady next to him says "Sir. You are blind, so you have a right to now. I'm blond, the bartender is blond, the lady behind you is blond and is a professional weight lifter, the woman on your right is blond and shes an olympic wrestler. I am in shape, and the bartender looks like shes been through the mill. Do you really want to tell the joke?"
The blind man thinks for a minute and says "No. I wouldn't want to have to explain four times."

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What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you sink a sub full of blondes?
Knock on the hatch.

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Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag, and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting, he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there, in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him, but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you." And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."

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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the exasperated frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've
told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer smiled again. 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now, that's cool."

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side note : I'm glad that I actually get most of these!! *proud* (I'm not blonde I swear...)

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Blond is a state of mind, trust me.

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Since we seem to be going through a blond patch; :D


SHE WAS SO BLONDE…
… she thought a quarterback was a refund
… she thought General Motors was in the army
… she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
… at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE…
… she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
… she sent a fax with a stamp on it
… she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
… under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE…
… she tripped over a cordless phone
… she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
… she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
… she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
… she studied for a blood test
… she sold her car for gas money
… when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE…
… when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
… she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
… she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
… she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening