Have you checked out the FIRST Fundraising Toolkit?
http://www.usfirst.org/roboticsprogr...aising-toolkit
There are several examples of fundraising letters there. They appear to be less wordy than yours and still get the message across.
Two points I have on your letter: 1. It should be a follow-up letter. Always try to make a personal contact the first contact with a potential sponsor. 2. Be specific in your request. What are you asking for? Are you hoping for one sponsor to cover it all? Then ask for that. Your final request was actually for a meeting, but that was the whole way at the bottom. If that's what you want the initial step to be, put that at the top.
Good luck! And be sure to be on the look out for grants and other sources of funding!