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Jack Handey favorites:
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you."
"I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo- Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."
"I bet the main reason that police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!""
"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
"I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like to top thing you can do."
I'm done for now... man I love Jack Handey
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All the water in the world cannot sink the smallest ship unless it gets inside
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