[Philip Arola]

Originally Posted by Amanda Morrison

I thought about it for a while, and yes, I think these are two of the most potentially harmful things I have ever read on this forum. In 15 years, that is quite a feat.

What you both are saying, to your mentors, your peers, and the whole of this community, is that your personal experience and gut feeling about an experience you haven't personally had trumps documented and researched societal bias, not to mention the experiences others HAVE had. To expect people of all genders to behave responsibly, and with respect toward other human beings, is not and will never be unrealistic. Because it does not happen 100% of the time does not mean the answer should be "deal with it".

Inflammatory rhetoric aside, I agree. "Deal with it" is an insufficient response. Mentors should be teaching how to deal with it. You can work to eliminate it, but meanwhile, take steps to mitigate damage. It's like a vaccine. Yeah, whooping cough sucks, and I shouldn't have to worry about my kid getting sick. Am I going to inoculate my (theoretical) child? Yes.

- lumping in all females into one large group together without taking almost infinite factors into account (race, gender, height, weight, background, communication methods, invisible illnesses, etc.),

So you say take things case by case? The exact thing I was saying?

- trivializing seriously disturbing behavior toward women,

See, you are doing what you are supposedly against. You are lumping every possible incident under one umbrella. Characterizing awkward situations as 'seriously disturbing' is a gross overreaction, and moves shame from the victim to the offender. What I want is no one to feel shame while coming to an understanding.

- speaking on behalf of women, all women! women everywhere! every single woman!, without discernable qualifications, and perhaps most important,

No I didn't. Show me where I purported to do so.

- deciding that the way women deal with situations is a woman's responsibility, but others' behavior is not their own responsibility

Again, where do you come up with this? When I say caution is important, that does not mean to absolve people of their transgressions.

This kind of thinking creates a cyclical culture of alienating women from a community and then wondering why more women don't want to join that community. Trivializing anyone's experiences - of any gender - does nothing to help but does repeat that pattern, and in this way it is harmful. Thinking like this is why women are discouraged from STEM. Thinking like this is why women don't speak up. I say that because as a student way back when, hearing/seeing my mentors or peers speaking like this would have immediately shut me off from this program. Immediately. .

Again, you need context here. You are lumping every possible awkward situation 'seriously disturbing,' and that they are not meant to be trivialized. Just because I think that there are worse things in the world than a boy unable to properly gauge a situation doesn't mean I trivialize sexual abuse. In fact, lumping in awkwardness is what, by definition, trivializes abuse.