Quote:
Originally Posted by Amanda Morrison
That is my true opinion, given that your recommendations can potentially have an effect on the way young men or women report uncomfortable behavior to their authority figures ("this is life", "this is natural"), regardless of whether or not it turns out to be harmless. I'd rather be dragged aside by students 1000 times than have one student feel uncomfortable at an event. I doubt any mentor would feel otherwise,
Mass generalizations rarely capture the full story. Different people from different backgrounds with different characteristics will react to situations very... differently. For instance, I had a situation much like OP, with a student who had some special requirements that came into play. As a mentor I decided to handle the situation a little more gently based on that person's mental illness. "This is life" and "this is normal" is tough. What is normal and who defines it?,
"I watched one of my (female) students get sufficiently creeped out by a (male) student's behavior towards her that she was physically hiding from him at the competition." is a sufficiently bad example for me.
I am sincerely very glad that your friend had a good experience. Those happen more often than not, though not all experiences are good (again, see above). Many of the bad examples do not need to be shared on a public forum,
By stating "Lets keep in mind that this is natural", "this is life", etc. I strongly disagree. Hiding from someone who is creeping you out is never OK.
A lot of women have strong feelings based on the experiences they've had. Being told "this is life" would not have made it easier if it were me in the OP's situation - in fact, it would have made me feel more isolated for feeling creeped out, when others were telling me "don't be creeped out" when I clearly was. The best option is always to approach a mentor about behavior that makes you uncomfortable, even if it turns out to be misguided flirting. I urge your friend to speak up about her good experience, and if you have not had your own experiences - listen. I did not assume you or the other poster had ill intent by posting, but it doesn't make your messages any less potentially harmful if it discourages students from reporting behavior that makes them feel uncomfortable. I would urge you to send me a message privately if you'd like to have further discourse. I didn't post to argue with you but please realize the potential consequence of your words and how it might affect a young person who encounters this situation. I posted because hopefully someone reads that message that really needs it. That person might not be you.
I agree that growing up is hard - I did it once and it sucked.
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I do not believe that anyone is saying that actions that are creepy, or that are perceived as creepy, should be allowed. I think the issue that is arising is the fact that not everyone feels the same away about certain actions.
For example, some people like giving and getting hugs. As a student I was not a fan of physical contact, people have told me that my personal bubble was armed with machine guns. I have since loosened up and am more comfortable with people I know but I still would not hug a stranger or the majority of FIRSTers. When there is an interaction between someone that is fine with hugging new people and the kind of person I was in high school, there is friction. The important thing to remember is that
both people are in the right. They are allowed to be comfortable with their own preferences and they have the
responsibility to respect the other's preferences.
We can expand this to student interactions, specifically the frequency and nature of the interactions. Some people may have different preferences for different people based on any number of factors (attraction, hug quality, personal relationship, etc.). Some people do not have the ability to pick up on the other person's preferences and as such they may come off as offensive or creepy. This should be corrected in a constructive way.
What we need to do as mentors (remember the being a positive force in someone's life definition) is help students to realize when they may be making someone else uncomfortable and teach them to notice the signs in the future, as well as how to improve upon their behavior and accept the different kinds of relationships they will have with other people.
* I want to end this post saying that I have not assigned genders to anyone in this post. This is because all genders can play either role.