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Originally Posted by Matt D
Can anyone in Newton match (or at least try to) Any Baker's story about the Archimedes Division. see this thread for his story. I don't really have time to do this myself, but I think it would be cool if someone does. |
Sure, why not?
The Newton Nightmare
by Joe Shlabotnik, Jet-Lagged Mild-Mannered Reporter, R.O.B.O.T.I.C.S. (107) Monthly Magazine
Warren, OH
I, Joe Shlabotnik, the last man alive in Warren, will now relate to you the series of horrific events that led up to the total destruction of our fair city on that fateful day not so long ago. It is my hope that those who have fled to surrounding areas might read this article and use their Combined Minds (1030) 2 Train Robotics (395) teams in other cities and teach them how to thwart this misguided presence which has laid waste to our town. The hopes and dreams of all of humanity lie in your hands.
Last fall, on a beautiful day in Warren, with a bright blue October Sky (1448) overhead, the mentors of the Delphi E.L.I.T.E. (48) robotics team - an admitted bunch of Tech-No-Maniacs (1286) - were peacefully eating their S.P.A.M. (180) burgers and preparing the educational curriculum for the upcoming robotics class, when through the garage door barged a crazed group of Hitchhikers (1151).
"Run for your lives!!!!!" screamed the hippie leader of the group, PHRED (847) Watson (957).
The terror on his face appeared genuine, but they were not sure he was telling the truth or lying through his teeth like LBJ (418). Their robot driver/resident dork Paul Morrison then asked him,
"Hey man, want some Cheesy Poofs (254)?" as he extended a bag of crunchy orange goodness toward the visitors.
"NO, YOU MORON, I DO NOT WANT ANY FREAKING CHEESY POOFS!!!! The Juggernauts (1) are coming!", PHRED feverishly replied. Chief Team 48 programmer Travis Hoffman looked up just long enough from the 26,483 Division By Zero (229) errors in his latest code to ask,
"What are Juggernauts? Are they anything like those cool Robonauts (118) action figures you can buy at Toys-R-Us for $1.50 each? That's pimp!"
"NO, you mindless fool!" Watson screamed. "The Juggernauts are a bunch of FIRST robots who do not possess their own unique identifying codes. This is because their human creators failed to provide a team name or a working team website link to FIRST. As such, the worldwide robotic refereeing committee known as the Bionic Zebras (313) cannot keep these robots under control. Therefore, the robots from Team 97 (97), Team 346 (346), Team 444 (444), Team 585 (585), Team 642 (642), Team 995 (995), and Team 1391 (1391) have fled from their masters and have formed their own mindless collective. They randomly roam from town to town chanting 'WE ARE JOHN V-NEUN! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!', seeking out other robots to assimilate into their twisted alliance, destroying everything and everyone in their path! RUN NOW!!!!!"
"HOLY $#!+! We're all going to die!!!!!" bellowed mechanical engineer and master of the obvious Paul Jones, as the cold hand of F.E.A.R. (547) grasped hold of him and choked the warmth from his veins.
"G.R.R. (340)!!! We aren't going to sit here and let a bunch of human creations take away our lives!" exclaimed Josh Copeland, student pit crew leader and noted fool. "Let's start M'Aiken [some] Magic (1102) and SWAT (824) these impudent machines into the next millenium!!!" With that, everyone hopped into their Cyber Blue (234) Lincoln Navigators (79) (the H.O.T. (67) Hummer was in the shop getting a tight new neon package installed
), popped in a new CD from Children of the Korn (sic) (167) - a local cover band, and headed downtown to get help.
It seems the Hitchhikers had already spread their frantically desperate message to the public. The scene downtown was one of chaos as thousands of Warren citizens had taken to the streets. In true Mahoning Valley fashion, instead of working together to evacuate the city in an orderly manner, everyone was fighting to get their greedy hands on some deserted riches by looting, setting fires to stores, and generally demonstrating how corrupt and retarded they all were. After all, these are the same people who elected Jim Traficant to represent them. Team 48 called in the Riot Crew (58) and Bomb Squad (16) to try and suppress the violence, but they were soon overrun by the moronic masses.
The team next sought out the mighty X-Cats (191) at their secret underground lair beneath the campus of Youngstown State University. Trigos (933), the leader of the valiant band of feline superheroes, vowed to help them in any way he could. They drove off together toward the city limits, guided by the screams of terror rising up from that side of town, knowing that the Juggernauts were only a few miles away. On the way there, they noticed the Red Barons (63), a crack squadron of British Tornadoes (381) flying overhead, racing at speeds of Mach V[ee] (240) toward the outskirts of town. Noting Warren's relatively close proximity to Canada, the Canadian prime minister, Karthik Kanagasabapathy (who mentors Team 1114 in his free time), called upon the Queen of England to launch a Royal Assault (357) against the Juggernauts, because the Canadian Air Force's lone Cessna was having engine trouble. We arrived on the scene just in time to witness their attack. The Juggernauts had grown exponentially in number as they scoured the countryside assimilating every robot in their path. [Cop-out alert] Raider Robotix (25), Beach Cities Robotics (294), Panther Robotics (303), Viking Robotics (456), North Penn Robotics (528), Longwood Robotics (564), Rocky Mountain Robotics (662), Brandon Blackhawks Robotics (1010), Sentinel Robotics (1212), LaSalle Academy Robotics (1350), and Cougar Robotics (1403) all unwillingly sacrificed their robots to the growing Juggernaut horde. They looked unstoppable - Team 48 knew that they were headed toward the Harding wood shop to take control of xtremachen7, and they were desperate to stop these maniacal mechanisms no matter the cost. They eagerly awaited the attack from the British fighters.
Up flew the English Aces High (176) in the sky, launching their fearsome arsenal of weapons down upon the robotic army.
"RAW[WWWW]C (968)!!!!!!!!!" the collective all bellowed in unison, as the explosives barely made a dent in their expertly-crafted robot frames. "That tickles!"
"Enough of this!!!!" shouted X-Cat Trigos, as he drew his mystical Sword of Kamen, raised his mighty PAW (710) into the air, and boldly shouted the words Team 48 had all been waiting to hear.
"By the power of Grayskull.....er, I mean, Thunder, THUNDER,
THUNDERCHICKENS (217)..............HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! !!!!!"
F.I.R.E. (322), SPARX (1126), and Lightning (862) shot from Trigos' sword as he unleashed a powerful ball of energy at his Juggernaut foes.
"Thanks for the heat treatment - you have now made JVN even stronger muahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! How about a free powder coating next, you foolish mortals?"
"I have a few Wild Cards (151) up my leotard, just you wait!" Trigos retorted. He then proceeded to summon all of the other superhero groups in Northeast Ohio (didn't you know - we have the highest superhero to helpless citizen ratio in the country!) to aid his cause - the Techno Warriors (768), Team Fusion (364), The Green Team (885), the Nonnebots (38) and Explorobots (903) - two groups of Heroic Autobot Transformers Hasbro never released in the U.S. (but they're quite the rage in Liechtenstein, I hear), the Power Knights (501), the Blue Knights (1057), the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Captain Bucky O' Hare, the Care Bears, and Professor Chaos (who had recently been turned to the Light Side of the Force cuz he thought Rainbow Brite was hotttt).
"Green Team, attack!" Trigos bellowed. The Green Team was an environmentally-friendly yet morally misguided group of heroic superfighters that discouraged the wasteful use of metals, chemicals, and other such inorganic materials for weapons. Instead, they preferred to launch live animals at their foes, for these animals were readily replenishable by the natural wonder of biological reproduction at their large animal ranch in the farmlands of Trumbull County. So up into the air they launched a fusillade of fauna, raining down upon the Juggernauts a hailstorm of Botcats (128) and Tigers (140) and some o-so-Rambunctious Rams (462) and some Positronic Panthers (486) and some Cardinals (811) and some Tech Tigers - the revolution (1251) had begun in full force. Team 48 and their human companions eagerly waited to observe the fallout of their offensive.
"Here kitty, kitty!" the JVN Collective (sounds like a great band name) cruelly proclaimed as they mercilessly extinguished the life out of every incoming animal projectile (if anyone here belongs to PETA I apologize....).
Chris Neifer, valiant Head Strategist of the Team 48 fighters, was desperate.
"I'm desperate," he said. "The fate of humanity will be decided by this final course of action." Donning his Pimp Hat of Power, and picking up his trusty Motorola smart phone, he called the year 4216 and hit up one of his contacts at EnTech (281) Corporation for some last ditch assistance.
"Yo, Dookie!! Wasssssssuuuuuuuuuuupppp?" he quipped before asking his futuristic pal, "You wouldn't happen to have any more of those Model TJ^2 (88) Robotic Termination Units handy, would you?"
"Nah, we shipped the last one we had to you via UPS Trans-Temporal Red last January. Didn't you use that as Team 48's entry for the 2004 FIRST Robotics Competition?"
"Oh crap. Forgot about that. Sorry." Neifer sullenly said as he hung up the phone. "Well guys, we're royally screwed now! Welcome to oblivion!"
At that moment, the Juggernauts overran the human alliance's camp like so many mean-spirited kids squishing helpless bugs underneath their feet. With his last breath, Neifer unleashed one final plea to his surviving human brethren.
"Avenge ussssssss....blaaaaaaaaaarggggggghhhhhh!!!!"
His was a plea to those remaining FIRST teams to prepare for the oncoming War of the Juggernauts. Right now, this unstoppable force is reportedly somewhere near Dayton - Dominators (979) of their domain. In fact, they are on their way to Atlanta right now - they sense the massive buildup of robotic energy in Georgia, and they unbendingly seek to enlarge their collective. JOHN V-NEUN IS COMING AFTER ALL OF YOU!!!! I urge all those surviving teams in the Newton Division to band together in brotherhood and stop the Juggernaut Threat before all of humanity is laid to waste at their robotic feet. This is Joe Shlabotnik, last surviving member of the Warren Massacre, signing off.
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And then I woke up, realizing it was all one big nightmare. No more Taco Bell and Mountain Dew at 3 AM for me! On to Atlanta where I look forward to seeing all the great teams in the Newton Division! Let's bring the Championship home to where it belongs!