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Originally Posted by rforystek
The problem is that if it looks like it, that's all you can tell. When someone gives a harsh response etc. how do you know they meant different??
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It can often be hard. Sometimes if it FEELS inflammatory, you'll have to go off an evaluate the data later, after cooling off.
IMHO, a few of the best ways to tell is: via the information itself, the motivation for saying it, their word choices compared to the audience (is it audience appropriate?), and the non-verbal communication of the person WHILE they are saying it.
Look at the information DISPASSIONATELY. Yes, this is "your child" you wish to defend. Try to put that aside for a moment. (Yes, that can be VERY hard.) Now, without being defensive about it, do they have a POINT? If so, note it FOR THE NEXT TIME.
But even if they DO mean well, WHY are they saying it? Look at their motivation, and nonverbal posturing when they tell you. Are they REALLY trying to be helpful, or are they simply trying to stroke their OWN egos?
If there is more than one person present, are their words and postures playing childish "pecking order / status games" by stating things in front of OTHERS just to make THEMSELVES seem more important than you?
Are they RUSHED? Sometimes, harried inspectors who have a lot to do aren't as tactful as they might otherwise be in calmer circumstances when they have more time.
If you DO believe they are seriously trying to mentor, ACCEPT their motivation, regardless of audience.
A Mentoring Individual will have a serious expression, speak in plain tones, and will LISTEN BACK. Regardless if you WILL take their advice or not, at least listen politely, discuss and explore the options with them, and don't blame them for honestly trying to help you.
OTOH, if they're in a haughty attitude about it, or broadcasting it loudly ONLY for the embarrassment factor or to put you down for trying, that's totally uncalled for, and unprofessional.
Another factor to consider is the speaker's normal "team dynamic and culture". Some people (and teams) have the habit of talking roughly, or calling each other blockheads all of the time, and no one thinks twice about it. (Our teams mentors are VERY creative, but have a humor style such that at times they often roll their eyes at each other's wild suggestions and tell 'em to go jump in the lake or say "thanks for sharing"...)
If you can, before judging a critical speech, try to find out something about the inspector, so you can judge if it is simply their normal interpersonal style. People come in a wide range between "brutal honesty" and "world class negotiator tactfulness". That doesn't mean anything about their INTENT.
But sometimes they may simply forget they're NOT talking with people with the same working culture, and thickness of skin as they're used to. Now that's THEIR problem. Let them know politely whenever they're starting to cross the line with something like: "Hey, be NICE... [We/I/Our Students] all worked HARD on that approach..."
If they STILL don't get the hint and monitor their word choices a bit more, they ARE jerks...
Does that make sense?
- Keith