Ok, I've enabled SSI on the server, turned on XBitHack, and made the page executable.
It was halfway working, but now it's not.
by halfway I mean this.
I should have been clearer in my example.
if 207.206
https://netreg.bridgew.edu/indexresnet.html
else
https://netreg.bridgew.edu/indexall.html
I had those two locations in there, and when it was partway working, it would redirect to the httpS, but it wouldn't pick up the document.