[Chubtoad]

Once I tried to put mustard on a hamburger myself, not being a qualified Fast Food Distributor. I figured it was pretty standard, ya know, like Ketchup, you just take the bottle and squeeze its contents onto the burger/cheese/bun. Of course being at a Fast Food Restaurant it came in packets, so again I thought it was the standard, rip the corner, then squeeze the contents on the corresponding burger. Needless to say I ran into some problems.

So I take a few packets from the bin of mustard packets, thinking that I'll try mustard on Burgers again, because maybe its the people who put it on who make it taste bad. I proceed to take a seat amongst my friends who immediatley start a debate on whether or not mustard goes on burgers. So I take a few pre-burger french fries and I apply some BBQ sauce to them with the standard dunking action. So far, so good. Then I remove the plastic coated paper wrapper of the standard issue cheeseburger. So far I open the hood of this baby and find cheese, onions, ketchup and a cooked dead piece of a cow, oh and some pickles. I immediatley dispose of the pickles by lying them beside the burger but still on the open wrapper. This is the major decision: To mustard, or not to mustard!

I seize the first packet of Mustard, slow and easy I show the burger the packet, whether to tease it or make it happy... i do not know. Thumb to Pointer finger I grab the upper left hand greasy corner while I seize the bottom half of the packet with my other hand. RIP! and suddenly I have the corner off and immediatley onto the tray it goes. Turning it upside down I prepare for the mustard's decent onto my virgin hamburger. I wonder to myself whether the burger wants this new condiment. At some time I switched the packet to my right hand, the exact moment I do not know. squeeze squeeze squeeze I apply a very small newton force to the bottom of the packet which could now be considered the top due to my reversal of its vertical posistion. Slowly but surely the yellow substance seeps out of the packet and onto... the wrapper? I look down to see all of the rest of the mustard packets have been cut open and they are all oozing onto the rest of my tray! it seems that when I was paying attention to the liberation of the mustard from the packet I missed the cheeseburger get up, murder the rest of the mustard's and run off!! with my shake no less!!

This is proof that mustard DOES NOT go on BURGERS!!!