Quote:
Originally Posted by Libby K
Fantastic. I'd give it an A.  |
WARNING: The following is extremely critical, but offers constructive criticism. If you don't take criticism well, I suggest you skip this post.
Sorry to be a negative nelly, but I have to completely disagree. As a former English teacher, I was very disappointed in this essay. At best, it'd get a C+ from me.
From a technical standpoint, two things stood out to me:
1. You didn't proofread the essay. I found one place where FIRST was mispelled as FRIST. I also found minor grammatical errors, such as using "a" in place of "an".
2. You cite numerous documents, but you fail to note which is which within the essay. You also give quotes from several people, but fail to say how you obtained those quotes (from various team members).
As for the content, that is where I am most concerned. The first 3 pages were nothing but fluff to me. When I thought I had finally reached your thesis paragraph, or claim, I found there was no clear cut statement. You're paper title is "FIRST Robotics: Inspiring..." but you're essay feels much more like "FIRST Robotics: What is it?" Just as the first 3 pages were inconsequential in my mind, so were entire paragraphs later on, such as the one about making life-long friends. What does making life-long friends have to do with
inspiring today's youth in science and technology?
When writing an essay, always ask yourself "What does this have to do with the overall point I'm trying to make?"
I also found that many of the paragraphs seemed to be non-cohesive. You want to make sure that each sentence follows from the previous sentence, especially the ones that open a new paragraph.
If you want specific examples of how I'd have changed this essay, let me know and I'll give them.
indieFan (who believes in constructive criticism)