Here at FIRST airlines, we would like to generously thank you for choosing to fly with us today with our new, lower priced flights!
We are sorry to announce that due to space limitations, all carry on luggage must be checked for the low price of $50 per bag.
Unfortunately, space is crowded on this flight so we genuinely hope you enjoy eating your knees for lunch.
Speaking of snacks, the current recession has put us in a bind, but we would still like to thank you for your $5000 ticket by offering you
six ounces of juice, soda, or water and
ten Goldfish crackers.
Additional snacks and beverages can be purchased throughout this eight hour flight for the now lowered price of $20 per drink, and $1 per Goldfish cracker.
For your entertainment throughout the flight, Wifi can be purchased for $1 per second.
And unfortunately, due to both overbooked airspace around this airport and lack of viable alternative high-speed transportation, the captain is estimating we are going to spend three hours taxiing on the tarmac before we takeoff.
Last, but not least, in the highly unlikely situation that we were unable to purchase enough fuel to make it through the entire flight, there are parachutes located underneath every seat. In case of an emergency, please make sure your own parachute is fastened
before kindly assisting others.
Thank you, please enjoy your flight, and have a wonderful day!