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Unread 04-11-2001, 12:58
Ken Leung's Avatar Unsung FIRST Hero
Ken Leung Ken Leung is offline
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FRC #0115 (Monta Vista Robotics Team)
Team Role: Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2001
Rookie Year: 1999
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Unhappy growing up from last year...

I remember the days last year when I had the most post count in this forum, and Dr. Joe would say, “Who does this Ken Leung kid think he is~?! How dare he have more post counts than every one of us~?!” And I would reply with me boring speeches, “Blah blah blah gracious professionalism… Blah blah blah I simply post to provide information in discussion so everyone would benefit from it… blah blah blah I don’t think it is right to compete in post counts, it would only make people post more foolish comments…” But of course I kept paying attention to that silly number anyway, it was, as I said, “An interesting way to understand how posters act in these forums.” After a while, I noticed this guy name “Anton” catching up on the numbers. “Ah, he just beat Matt Leese… Oh! He’s pass Jessica Boucher’s count… Uh… now he jumped over Joe Johnson… Hmm… wait a minute… why am I no longer first place~?!?!” Although I never compete with Anton in post counts, I have to admin I did post more message after that. It would be a hopeless struggle anyway because by the end of the season Anton is about 100 posts over my number. And that’s how I knew Anton in the beginning…

I still remember the days when I would receive Instant Messages after 3am over here from this “GodAnton” person from east coast talking about gears and chain tools… It was a time when “GodAnton” stayed with his team all day until way pass 12 at night, go home to chat a little bit on internet, maybe take a break, and go back to his team for another stressful day… It was also a time when “LKen541” spend three hours in public transportation and go back to his own high school team every weekend helping out, and sit in front of a milling machine all day for a couple pieces of aluminum… Yup… those certainly are some interesting times I spend with my life. (notice the lack of phases such as “the greatest/best time I’ve ever had!” or “I had SO much fun!”

You’ve all heard Anton’s side of this story, and even though mine isn’t all that different, I would still like to tell you my side of this story…

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Just like Anton and many college FIRST-a-holics, I felt that the whole experience in FIRST during high school just wasn’t enough. I was particularly dissatisfied because I joined the team junior year, and had to leave just went I learn enough to understand what the competition really is about. So, I decided I would go against all odds and stay one more year… and that is exactly what I did. The former GRT team leader once warned me about this. “You might be all excited right now, but you will regret doing this afterward.” He said. And he was right. I really did regret doing this afterward, and for reasons I never expected.

In the beginning, all I planned to was to give back all I learned… To teach the students about tools… To be part of the bonding in the team… To feel appreciated… To be friends with the students… To be part of the great spirit of GRT… And I really did work hard to try to get to reach all these goals, and I too, scarified more than I should into the team. Only I didn’t get what I expected.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t treated nicely… It wasn’t that I did too little work. I come to realize that it was myself who pushed me through these troubles, and asked too much without knowing what’s really coming.

Who am I to teach high school kids anyway when I am no teacher specifically trained? Who am I to hope to lead the team when I can’t be there most of the time? Who am I to work on the robot when I didn’t really build that machine? Who am I to hang out with the members when all the people I talked to online are people on the forum or other teams? Who am I to want to make decision with the team when I think differently than them? Who am I to be useful to the team when all I do is sitting in front of the mill working on pieces for the students? Who am I to share the glory when the robot did great at competition?

I was really expecting to extend the high school experience after all, and trying to feel good about myself on top of that… Even though I kept saying I was just going back to give what I gained, my immature mind told me, “Those two years were extremely fun! Let’s do it again! And let’s show those kids how smart you are!” How foolish of me. Things didn’t work out that way. I was most useful to the team as a machinist, and that’s all that is to it. I was merely a bystander watching the process.

Was it too foolish and selfish to ask for a little praise or friendship from those high school kids? I am starting to believe, yes, I shouldn’t have hoped for anything at all. I should really stop being so greedy for attention and friendship… I should’ve realized FIRST ended when I graduated.

FIRST died in me after that year…

But after I “grew up” after that year, I stop caring for attention other things I hopped for before. I saw that I made an impact to quite a few of those students as they talked to me afterward. I tried working with a few students with all my heart, and I believe I helped them along their journey of life, and I will never forget that.

I wasn’t all that useless after all, and I believe I could really share my valuable experience with the students/teams around me. And I decided… why not let things go the way it is and not force my way into it? Why not just forget the expectations, and receive my rewards whenever they happen to show up, and have fun along the way? I decided to tell people, “Here is what I have to offer. Take it or leave it.” After that, I made peace with myself and stopped hurting myself so badly physically and mentally. Seems like I gave myself a chance to start a new life, and I did just that.

Maybe this is a part of growing up, to see this world in a different viewpoint and face new challenges with different expectation… To understand that this world is far from perfect and that I shouldn’t be thinking so ideally. “Are we just growing up to see how cruel the world can be?” I start to believe that’s the truth, no matter how sad it seems. You never know how things work until you really grow up and develop your own senses to observe the work, just like how you don’t understand why adults act they way they do.

Although I didn’t learn that “leading a team to victory will only lead your team to betray you to take the glory for themselves.” as Anton did, I did learn that, life don’t really give you what you want. That’s just the way things are. I can either feel really bad about it, or take care of myself and adapt to the system.

I never blame anyone for the “interesting” experience. It just the way this system works. And, even though, yes, I do regret doing it… I know I would regret it even more if I didn’t do it.

But I really do miss how innocent I used to me. I used to be proud of that young mind, thinking I could be perfectly free giving to everyone in the world and not ask anything back, and always be a nice person who don’t raise any conflict with anyone else… Well, I guess I still got the being a nice person part.

Last edited by Ken Leung : 04-11-2001 at 18:49.
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