Best joke you've heard

[golf_cart_john]

What's the best joke you've heard? It would be preferable if it's something uncommon, and the moderators probably don't want to see anything off color. Here's my best, at least recently:

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma
School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for
May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr.
Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as,
''Why do airplanes fly?'' on his final exams. His
one and only final exam question in May 1997 for
his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class
was:
''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your
answer with proof.''

Most of the students wrote proofs of their
beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then
they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole
of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls
entering hell, let us look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, then you will go to
hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all people and
souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's law
states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter hell, then the
temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose. 2. If hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until hell freezes over. So which is
it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa
Manyan during Freshman year, ''that it will be a
cold night in hell before I sleep with you'' and
take into account the fact that I still have NOT
succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is
exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

[KenWittlief]

for the final exam in a philosophy class the professor walked in, picked up a chair and put it on the table.

He told the class "your final is an essay - using everything you have learned in this class convince me that this chair does not really exist"

all the students except one started writing furiously, quoting the great philosophers they had studied they laid down their logical arguments for page after page

except that one student. He sat quietly for several minutes, then smiled, scribbled something on a piece of paper for a second - handed it to the professor and walked out.

The other students were stunned that he had left with an hour and a half left - they were even more stunned when the grades were posted later that week, and he received the only A.

They grumbled and organized a mob and marched down to the professor office and demanded to see the 3 second paper that had earned the only A.

The professor gladly complied. There scrawled on the page were only 2 words:

What chair?

This amused and made me think foundly of all my team mates. What's sad is that I could honestly see this happening to a few of my adult mentors.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[shyra1353]

hahaha ... those are funny .. heres one that may not qualify as the best joke ive ever heard, but it can be quite amusing:

three couples go out on a date. the first guy being all smooth goes to his lady "will you pass me the honey, my bumblebee". the second one trying to measure up goes "will you pass me the sugar, me sweetie". the third one, trying to be better goes to his "will you pass me the milk, cow"

[KenWittlief]

can you only have one 'best joke' ?

Q: do you know the difference between ground coffee and kitty litter?
A: no, what?

well thats explains this mornings coffee!

[Mike Heinowski]

Every one has heard this one a million bajillion times but its still my favorite.

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I dont know.

Q: Wanna go ride bikes.

[KenWittlief]

I dont think thats very funny - I have HADD myself and I get really tired of...ummm. HEY! its snowing outside - isnt this like the 3rd day of spring? whats up with that?

what was I saying before?!

oh yeah - the buckeye regional is going to be a blast - lots of top notch teams -cant wait

[Alaina]

Originally Posted by KenWittlief

I dont think thats very funny - I have HADD myself and I get really tired of...ummm. HEY! its snowing outside - isnt this like the 3rd day of spring? whats up with that?

what was I saying before?!

oh yeah - the buckeye regional is going to be a blast - lots of top notch teams -cant wait

I think that's one of the funnier things I've heard in my life...

[sirbleedsalot]

A rich, well-loved cardiologist lived a long and prosperous life, but, finally passed away as we all tend to do. Being the all-around nice guy that he was, his many friends and co-workers gave him a spectacular funeral.

As they all stood and watched, his mahogany coffin slid along tracks into the crematory doors. Encircling the crematory doors was a massive ornate heart, made of roses and carnations, to signify all the hearts he had touched, literally and figuratively.

Suddenly, one of the doctor's best friends began to laugh histerically. Quite angry at the outburst, everyone turned to glare at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was just thinking: I'm a gynecologist, so what's my funeral gonna be like?"

The proctologist gasped and fainted.

[Daniel Brim]

Physics teacher to a blonde student: What is the speed of light in a vaccuum?
Blonde: Is it on?

[Hailfire]

Here's one that I got from a cousin in an email a long time ago. It's not the best I've heard, but anyways, here it is...

TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS
MUST BE FEMALE

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.
2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed
to memory for future reference.
4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and
they don't, won't, or can't follow it.
5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on
particularly if you already have a floppy in.
6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your
computer will get it.
7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
8. A better model is just around the corner.
9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.
10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

Here's one that I read on a website long ago.

A blonde and a brunette inherit their father's farm and notices that they don't have any bulls. So the brunette leaves to find a bull for their farm with $100 in her pocket. She finds a bull and buys it for $99. She then sets out to the post office. She finds asks the man there and asks, "Excuse me, I need to send a message to my sister. How much is it?" The man replies, "It's $1 per word." The brunette thinks about it for a while and says, "I need to tell her to bring the truck so we can haul the bull back to our farm. I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The man replies, "How in the world is your sister supposed to know to pick up the bull by sending her the word 'comfortable'?" The brunette responds, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slow."

Ok...not the best but...I had to post this up because personally know atleast three people on my team who have done all of these. #6 happened most recently when I was with an adult mentor in Best Buy in NJ and he asked about a laptop...it was...well...odd.

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.


"Why did the robot take Viagra? It wanted more hardware..."

I wasn't sure if I should post this one so...check the site for 110 things you learn in college.
http://www.ahajokes.com/learn.html

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A blonde walks into her first college exam of the year and sits down. Everything is going well except that every couple of minutes the blonde looks up from her test, stares straight ahead, and claps twice. The professor says nothing for awhile but after about thirty minutes of this, he can't take it any longer and asks the blonde why she insists on clapping twice every few minutes. The blonde looks at him as though he is the biggest idiot in the world and in a very saucy manner answers him saying...
"The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

[Katie Reynolds]

A pie and a muffin are sitting in an oven.

The muffin says, "wow, it's hot in here!"

The pie says, "wow, a talking muffin!"

[Michelle 236]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an New Yorker were on a plane. The plane crashes in the jungle, and they all get captured by canibals. The canibals say 'Well we've got good news and we've got bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you, eat you and use your skins for canoes. The good news is you get to choose the way you die.'

The Frenchman says 'Give me a sword.' He says 'Vive le France', slits his throat, and he dies.

The Englishman says 'Give me a pistol.' He says 'God save the Queen,' shoots himself in the head and he dies.

The New Yorker says 'Give me a fork.' He takes the fork and stabs himself all over his body.

The canibals look at him and say, 'What the heck are you doing?' and the New Yorker says 'There goes your freaking canoe.'