Reaching Critical Mass

[Siri]

Originally Posted by Akash Rastogi

I think this is a pretty difficult thing for many people to do, perhaps especially younger mentors. Expressing disappointment is only effective, in my opinion, when the students actually respect you. I know a few young mentors my age who can't use this tactic because the students don't respect them. I was lucky enough to have very respectful students, so it wasn't an issue for me, but what about when a mentor isn't respected by the students?

Might be a topic for another thread, but how do you get students to respect you? What might be some causes of this? Is it strictly because of the young age? Is it just on a student by student case?

I think you're right about disappointment being contingent on respect, but respect is definitely not an age issue. Somewhat of a time issue, but not an age issue.

I think this goes back to the OP of the thread as well. I consider respect as earned student by student, but in many cases they seek the same attributes, albeit possibly proven in different ways. There's always a few exceptions, but I find people will almost universally respect you if you consistently:
- Respect and care about them, and everyone around them
- Offer them a real stake and influence in your collaboration
- Build mutual trust and honest two-way communication
- Demonstrate your own competence and confidence
- Prove that what you're competent in (and trying to teach) is of value
- Show you practice what you preach

While I have to do/demonstrate these differently for different students--and accept different demonstrations than some of my peers--I feel like a lot of what students of all ages look for falls in or near these categories somehow.

EDIT: I realized this could come across as indicating that people asking this question aren't component, confident, respectful, etc. Definitely not what I meant. So much is in how you demonstrate it (I'm definitely not perfect). Although I think having self-confidence that you'll be able to gain respect (if you do the right thing) is valuable in itself.

[Jon Stratis]

Siri has a great list of ways to start gaining respect. Keep in mind, however, than trying to gain respect seldom actually works. People see right through it and most often you'll just come across as an egotistical know-it-all. Focus on the team and the students. Set clear expectations and reward them when they hit milestones. Do what you can to help them succeed in whatever they're doing - this doesn't mean jump in and do it for them. All too often, I've seen mentors take something out of a students hand in order to do the job, which sends the exact oposite message. Rather, provide them the tools, knowledge, and experience they need in order to do it for themselves. Also, keep in mind that the smartest/most capable person in the room isn't necessarily the one who talks the most. It's the one that chooses the right moments to talk in order to spur the creative process.

[Siri]

Originally Posted by Jon Stratis

All too often, I've seen mentors take something out of a students hand in order to do the job, which sends the exact oposite message.

Bingo. Number one way to disrespect a student. Or really anyone. Thanks Jon.

Beyond that, I think there are two different styles here. Thanks for helping me understand the other one. I suspect it's because I'm younger (and clueless), but I find that just trying to "give them the tools to succeed" is what makes me come across as a know-it-all. Because the truth is, I don't know all of those tools. In fact, at least in mechanical (with some great design mentors but no actual professional mechanical designers), there are times where none of us knows.

In those situations, I find students respond better to efforts to gain their respect by working with them through problems, with the understanding that I don't know either. I think I tend to lean more on helping them with how we can approach problems we don't know how to solve--versus a more knowledgeable how to deal with ones just they don't know how to solve. Certainly a matter of degrees, but I'd venture that the approach to respect varies somewhat dependently.

[DonRotolo]

Originally Posted by Siri

- Offer them a real stake and influence in your collaboration
- Build mutual trust and honest two-way communication

While all of what Siri says is spot on, I want to point out that for these two in particular, don't let them give input unless you plan to actually listen and consider that input.

In other words, the key word in the first statement is "real", and in the second "honest". You have to live by those, or there is little chance of respect.