When The Magic Works

[MysterE]

"After the cheers have died down and the stadium is empty, after the headlines have been written and after you are back in the quiet of your room and the championship ring has been placed on the dresser and all the pomp and fanfare has faded, the enduring things that are left are: the dedication to excellence, the dedication to victory, and the dedication to doing with our lives the very best we can to make the world a better place in which to live." - Vince Lombardi

Good morning fellow FIRSTers.

For the past few years, I have had the opportunity to write to you after our season was done. Some of these posts have, much to my surprise, garnered continued attention and postings and have seemed to touch the core of some of our fellow competitors and friends.

Also for the past few years I have fought the battle of the losing team. I have been the one learning how to find victory in apparent defeat, how to find solace in the internal successes and unrecognized joys of individual growth and smaller obtainments.

This year my post must be a bit different. One of the things that I’ve told my team is that, in the end, once you do everything that you can, you have to wait to see if the magic works. When you are competing against a field of amazing competitors; when differences lie in word usage and simple twists of design; in the end it comes down to that spark of something that goes beyond the practical to something near mystical.

At the Bayou - for us - the magic worked. At the Bayou Regional we were honored to receive the Spirit Award on Friday. It was the first award that we as a team have won in 4 years and in that alone we were more than ecstatic. Then on Saturday, everything changed. First, I was given the Volunteer of the Year award. It was a complete surprise and I was floored. Next, our 10th grade Dean’s List nominee, Danielle Massey, was selected as a finalist. This award alone was enough to blow the top of my day but then our MC, Chris Copeland, began to read the Chairman’s Award Script. I don’t know if I can use adequate words to describe what is was like to win our first Chairman’s Award. For the first time ever, I am writing my essay as a victor and that petrifies me.

There are a few things that I have learned through this process of defeat and victory. First, I don’t feel any different. At the end of the day, we are still a family. My team takes joy in cheering for others, in dancing around like lunatics, and in general acting like a big group of kids. People see us, I think, as a group that has as much fun while at competition as we can. In many ways this is true. What most did not see, though, was the back-room meeting at the hotel on Friday where we had to deal with a large amount of internal strife and drama that had started to overtake our family. We live with our emotions on our sleeves – and it took us a few hours to hammer out things.

There are a few things that seem different. At the same time that the weight of losing over and over again was removed from our hearts a new weight seemed to settle. It can best be described as the “now what”. Once your dreams have come true . . . what then? Of course we continue to “add to our stories” as our presentation noted. But deeper. Is there a weight that comes with winning? One that requires of us to establish new boundaries and pursue further exploits? Is it ok to feel like while we may deserve what we’ve won, we don’t really deserve it?

My post, then, is for those with whom the magic has been kind. To the victor goes the spoils – but it also goes the responsibility of honesty for those that are still looking up and wondering how far up that mountain there is yet to go.

To you that win, I have a few questions: How has winning changed you? What has it turned you into? And most importantly; Are you happy with who you have become?

[JamesCH95]

First: congratulations! Your team has achieved a tremendous accomplishment.

Success breeds success. When the magic worked for us check books opened, alliance captains took notice, and my team became hungrier and more motivated to win again.

95 won our first regional in 2001, and our second in 2013. That was an awfully long dry spell. Since that win we have gone to worlds, taken home two more trophies, and another blue-banner. My students have been more dedicated, driven, and numerous. As has our coaching staff. Winning has done essentially only good things for our team as far as I can tell.

[Kevin Leonard]

Originally Posted by MysterE

To you that win, I have a few questions: How has winning changed you? What has it turned you into? And most importantly; Are you happy with who you have become?

I like this idea. I think this could be an interesting thread.

I have been a part of a team that wasn't picked at a regional. 2012 Granite State, Team 20 seeded 49th/50 and was not picked for eliminations. I know what it's like to be the worst team at an event.
Later that year, we won the Connecticut Regional as the 3rd robot for a powerful alliance of 195 and 181. That feeling of victory was awesome, but also slightly hollow. We contributed to the alliance, but we got there because of those two team's impressive scoring ability more than our ability to feed them with balls.
Winning changed me. It made me want to be like those top teams that selected us. It made me want to understand strategy and build a robot that could compete at the same level as 195 and 181 were.

The next year we did. We built a robot that was simple and effective at one task, and we seeded first at the Connecticut Regional and picked 195. We went undefeated at the event. I was never more happy in my robotics career.
But I also understood what it meant to be a "bad" team. It's very easy to do. Try to do too much on the field, try to do too little, and your robot will do poorly.

All the current students on Team 20 aside from the Seniors haven't experienced a bad season. 2013 and 2014 were some of the best seasons in our team's history, but they don't know what it's like to be "bad".

I hope we retain our humility.

[JamesCH95]

Originally Posted by Kevin Leonard

I like this idea. I think this could be an interesting thread.

I have been a part of a team that wasn't picked at a regional. 2012 Granite State, Team 20 seeded 49th/50 and was not picked for eliminations. I know what it's like to be the worst team at an event.
Later that year, we won the Connecticut Regional as the 3rd robot for a powerful alliance of 195 and 181. That feeling of victory was awesome, but also slightly hollow. We contributed to the alliance, but we got there because of those two team's impressive scoring ability more than our ability to feed them with balls.
Winning changed me. It made me want to be like those top teams that selected us. It made me want to understand strategy and build a robot that could compete at the same level as 195 and 181 were.

The next year we did. We built a robot that was simple and effective at one task, and we seeded first at the Connecticut Regional and picked 195. We went undefeated at the event. I was never more happy in my robotics career.
But I also understood what it meant to be a "bad" team. It's very easy to do. Try to do too much on the field, try to do too little, and your robot will do poorly.

All the current students on Team 20 aside from the Seniors haven't experienced a bad season. 2013 and 2014 were some of the best seasons in our team's history, but they don't know what it's like to be "bad".

I hope we retain our humility.

We were the 3rd pick! 20/195 did for us what 195/181 did for 20 the year prior. We were inspired to do better! I will forever be grateful to 20 and 195 for that.

Boy... it's getting awfully dusty in here...

[Christopher149]

To preface, I joined 857 as a freshman in 2008, and have mentored it since 2012. Also, this is a bit longer than I was expecting.

2002-2004 was pretty good for the team, winning awards and or getting into Eliminations at at least one event each year. Then 2005-2008 was a significant dry spell, achieving neither.

2009 and the introduction of districts in Michigan is probably one of the best things to happen to our team. That year, we again got into Eliminations and were a hair's-breadth from advancing to semifinals. 2010-2012 found us with some not-so-good robots, but we found ourselves in Eliminations some more (including #7 captain at West Michigan in 2011 by some magic, though 1918 was unstoppable). Those robots taught us some useful lessons, including: we can finally score in autonomous (2011, 2012), don't over-complicate (2012), focus on important, well-done features (2010-2012).

2013 was definitely a year that began our team's recent, rapid improvement. We focused on a 2-point goal shooter with a 10-point hang, and could consistently score 30-40 points in a match. For the first time (AFAIR) we were a captain's first pick, being picked by 217 ThunderChickens at TC, and we comfortably made semifinals. Because of this, we managed to squeak into MSC as the 64th invite. The scale and quality of the event must have made us hungrier to do better.

In 2014, we were again a solid first pick at Escanaba, and won our first award in TEN years. At TC, we were #1 seed, finalist, and EI winner. As I said in another thread, it was surreal. We went to MSC as a much stronger contender, and qualified for CMP. To answer the OP, this is our closest point to achieving the "now what?" status. Well, we're working at gaining more sponsors (and more long-term sponsors) after losing several big ones from the Great Recession. We continue to strive to build effective robots, and so far in 2015 have again had a high seed and made Playoffs. Even more special, though, is winning Industrial Design at Kentwood, our first design award in 11 years. And, one goal we're striving for is to make Playoffs at MSC if possible.

To Kevin's comments, I too hope we can keep our humility, after I have seen the "bad" years but some newer students have only seen our "good" years.

And to JamesCH95's comments, I think our sister team 2586 is picking themselves up in a similar way: they built a non-defense bot this year out of necessity, and have won their first award ever (Creativity).

[Banderoonies]

Originally Posted by JamesCH95

We were the 3rd pick! 20/195 did for us what 195/181 did for 20 the year prior. We were inspired to do better! I will forever be grateful to 20 and 195 for that.

Boy... it's getting awfully dusty in here...

On behalf of 195, I want both team 20 and 95 to know that those years you were picked as a 3 bot you were not "Bad" (as you stated in the above comments) just because you were a lower seed. Never underestimate the contribution you made to our alliance wins those years.

Our scouting team does not look for the HIGHEST ranked robot for a third pick they look for the RIGHT robot and team that will compliment the alliance and its strategy best. 20 and 95 were the BEST pick. Period! and that's why there was such great synergy that resulted in the win.

It is so awesome to see both of you, 95 and 20, having such great seasons and we hope to work with you on the same side of the glass again!

[crollison]

Congratulations on the Volunteer of the year? Been a while since Vandenberg, did you wear your blue shirt? Glad things are working out for you.

[MysterE]

Originally Posted by crollison

Congratulations on the Volunteer of the year? Been a while since Vandenberg, did you wear your blue shirt? Glad things are working out for you.

It has been a while hasn't it :-) I wish I could have worn the blue shirt we got there but I was in my Senior Mentor garb most of the time :-)

[GeeTwo]

Bayou Magic also struck 3946 this year. Our season goal was clear and simple - go to playoffs. We designed a landfill robot, recognizing that we were not yet capable of competing with the local power houses who would be building chute stackers. We were regularly making capped stacks of five or six in practice, even after we moved back to field ranges.

Unfortunately, most of our alliance partners in seeding matches seemed more interested in blocking or view or path or knocking over our stacks than in scoring. The two little victories on Friday were that we confirmed that we had built our most reliable 'bot to date, and that our principal and vice principal (football guys) would be making the hour drive to Kenner on Saturday - their first overt support of the team in all this time.

By about our fifth match, the drive team decided to focus more on showing off our capabilities than on scoring points. In particular, we showed off our tote flipping and double-stacking and probably still scored more points than most of our alliance partners.

On Saturday, our principal, Mr. Percy, came and got it. He realized that this really was a competition, and was learning the scoring and cheering right along with everyone else (though he did cheer when 1912, Team Combustion of Northshore High School, our traditional football rivals, dropped a stack; Rome wasn't built in a day).

We wound up seeded #42. Our principal stuck around for alliance selection, expecting to see the end of our season. You could have supplied Monsters, Inc for a month with the screams and laughter when we were picked by 3937 and 3039 - we had finally made the playoffs!

Our showcase had paid off - 3937 and 3039 could each make two tall stacks, but there are only three RCs in the staging area. Our task was to mine the landfill to get to the far right RC. In seven straight matches, we dug out two totes at a time, shoved the rest of the upright totes left, flipped the inverted tote in front of the far right RC, and delivered the RC just forward and left of the landmark. Robin was littering like crazy, and we finished up by scoring as much as we could. The finals matches were both decided by far fewer points than 3946 had scored. Further, what we did was based entirely on our own capabilities, not on cheesecake - a truly great feeling!

The greatest victory of the past week was yet to come. After the admin and pep talk and fund raising and how-many-people-can-we-send talk at our meeting on Monday, Jack wanted to speak. I've known Jack since his family went to our church for a year or two back when he was in middle school. Back then, Jack was more than shy; he had difficulty speaking to one person at a time. Now, in his junior year, FRC has helped pull him out of his shell - he announced the local FLL tournament, and is our mascot. He can now flirt in character as a robot, and stand on the table and speak to the whole team. Jack was followed by another, and another, and about twenty other students. The stories of lives being turned around were inspirational: loner to team member, meat head to gear head, and even stoner to leader. The difference we have made in these lives and in the society that they will soon be leading is what makes the team really REALLY worthwhile:

Originally Posted by MysterE

doing with our lives the very best we can to make the world a better place in which to live.

[Jaywalker1711]

Originally Posted by MysterE

To you that win, I have a few questions: How has winning changed you? What has it turned you into? And most importantly; Are you happy with who you have become?

I could not be happier with how far my team has come

In 2012, my freshman year, we built the most freaking awesome drive-train you could possibly design. Unfortunately, it took four and a half weeks. We went into comp without a shooter, but managed to be a finalist at TC due to out bridge skills and win Chairman's award at Kettering. We went on to the MSC and were happy to be there!

In 2013, we hacked together a robot using c-rail box tube and rivets. It was quite ugly, but it could really score. According to our scouts, we were one of the top 20 scoring robots in Michigan that year. But we missed some matches due to communication issues in our first comp, and had some bad luck, and we didn't even make it to the MSC. But we did win EI!

In 2014, We came up with a solidified design process and applied it to the design of the robot, then carefully designed everything before any of it was built. In my opinion, we built the prettiest robot I had ever seen, but unfortunately due to faulty math we could not shoot into the high goal. Nonetheless, we made it to semis and to the MSC. We also won chairman's award at TC!

And now we get to this year. 2015. My team has come so far in little ways that really add up. Underclassmen were involved in both design and assembly. We even trusted them to do most of the wiring on the robot. This is the first year I have seen where everyone on the team has made a real difference. We actually came to a solid consensus on robot design, and everyone felt that they were a part of things. Our robot got finished on time, and was fully functional entering our first comp. We entered Kettering, and at the end of day 1, were in dead last. Wow. Day 2 was the greatest comeback ever though, because we climbed in rankings to 18th, and our spirits climbed with us. Then we were selected to be on the 8th alliance, and we got to the semi finals. We then won engineering inspiration. Wow.
But Traverse City was a whole new story. We had everything figured out. We were the 6th seed at the end of quals, and then we were the very 1st pick. Our alliance absolutely swept in eliminations. We found ourselves in the finals for the first time since 2012. Then something amazing happened.
For the first time ever, we won a district competition
I can assure you that this was the best moment of my life. It was exhilarating. I was crying tears of joy.


Now it is on to the Michigan State Championship, where I hope we can continue to improve not just our robot and our strategy, but also our team as a whole. I hope that my team has all sorts of new FIRSTs this year and in the future.

Even though this is my last year with Team 1711, I know that we will continue to improve. As my signature says, I know that we will be a powerhouse someday. And everyone on the team will help get us there.


You probably don't know us. You probably don't know our name.

But we are RAPTORS. And you're gonna hear us ROAR

[GeeTwo]

Bayou Magic also struck 3946 this year. Our season goal was clear and simple - go to playoffs. We designed a landfill robot, recognizing that we were not yet capable of competing with the local power houses who would be building chute stackers. We were regularly making capped stacks of five or six in practice, even after we moved back to field ranges.

Unfortunately, most of our alliance partners in seeding matches seemed more interested in blocking or view or path or knocking over our stacks than in scoring. The two little victories on Friday were that we confirmed that we had built our most reliable 'bot to date, and that our principal and vice principal (football guys) would be making the hour drive to Kenner on Saturday - their first overt support of the team in all this time.

By about our fifth match, the drive team decided to focus more on showing off our capabilities than on scoring points. In particular, we showed off our tote flipping and double-stacking and probably still scored more points than most of our alliance partners.

On Saturday, our principal, Mr. Percy, came and got it. He realized that this really was a competition, and was learning the scoring and cheering right along with everyone else (though he did cheer when 1912, Team Combustion of Northshore High School, our traditional football rivals, dropped a stack; Rome wasn't built in a day).

We wound up seeded #42. Our principal stuck around for alliance selection, expecting to see the end of our season. You could have supplied Monsters, Inc for a month with the screams and laughter when we were picked by 3937 and 3039 - we had finally made the playoffs!

Our showcase had paid off - 3937 and 3039 could each make two tall stacks, but there are only three RCs in the staging area. Our task was to mine the landfill to get to the far right RC. In seven straight matches, we dug out two totes at a time, shoved the rest of the upright totes left, flipped the inverted tote in front of the far right RC, and delivered the RC just forward and left of the landmark. Robin was littering like crazy, and we finished up by scoring as much as we could. The finals matches were both decided by fewer points than 3946 had scored. Further, what we did was based entirely on our own capabilities, not on cheesecake - a truly great feeling!

The greatest victory of the past week was yet to come. After the admin and pep talk and fund raising and how-many-people-can-we-send talk at our meeting on Monday, Jack wanted to speak. I've known Jack since his family went to our church for a year or two back when he was in middle school. Back then, Jack was more than shy; he had difficulty speaking to one person at a time. Now, in his junior year, FRC has helped pull him out of his shell - he announced the local FLL tournament, and is our mascot. He can now flirt in character as a robot, and stand on the table and speak to the whole team. Jack was followed by another, and another, and about twenty other students. The stories of lives being turned around were inspirational: loner to team member, meat head to gear head, and even stoner to leader. The difference we have made in these lives and in the society that they will soon be leading is what makes the team really REALLY worthwhile:

Originally Posted by MysterE

"...doing with our lives the very best we can to make the world a better place in which to live." - Vince Lombardi

[Libby K]

Originally Posted by MysterE

Is there a weight that comes with winning? One that requires of us to establish new boundaries and pursue further exploits?
Is it ok to feel like while we may deserve what we’ve won, we don’t really deserve it?

Emphasis mine. I think that's the perfect summation of the feeling after the excitement of winning something has died down.

I'll only work on a personal note for a moment here: My team nominated me for WFFA this year, and to my surprise I won.

I spend probably 40+ hours a week working with my team during the season (and maybe a little less during the 'off-season'), and I absolutely understand that I have done an amount of work with our students that merits some sort of recognition. I was honored to win, and proud of the time I've put into this team. I cried my eyes out - because this is the biggest, most intense 'thank you' I could ever have asked for from the MidKnight Inventors. It means the world to me.

That said, I will never, ever feel like I do enough for them to deserve recognition on the team's behalf, instead of showcasing the fantastic students that have come through the program we've built. I don't deserve this, our kids do. They're the ones that are doing amazing things - I'm just the scaffolding for what they have created.

This is still something new to me, and I'm, quite honestly, struggling with it. I feel as though there's even more pressure now to live up to what the award means. I have to give more, I have to do more, I have to make sure our kids have the best possible opportunities. Anything less would be a disservice to the students who nominated me.

Originally Posted by MysterE

My post, then, is for those with whom the magic has been kind. To the victor goes the spoils – but it also goes the responsibility of honesty for those that are still looking up and wondering how far up that mountain there is yet to go.

To you that win, I have a few questions: How has winning changed you? What has it turned you into? And most importantly; Are you happy with who you have become?

Since I just rambled all to hell, even though I promised not to, I'll try to TL;DR the journey of our team. We're not a powerhouse by any means, but we've had successes in our past that I think we've learned well from.

2006-2008: No money, no mentors, no sponsors, no school support - a few kids and a dream. We were terrible. The season burned us out, so we never did anything else besides build a robot. It was not the FIRST program as it should be done.

2009: Our first real sponsor. Mentoring expertise. Our very first blue banner.

From that point forward, we had the school's support. We knew we had the partnerships in place to make something amazing happen. We buckled down and got serious about the process, our outreach, and our general approach to all things FIRST.

Did we win all the time from that point forward? Not at all. 2010, definitely not. 2011, we won a regional. 2012, our adoption by the school as a co-curricular activity meant we had to make some serious changes to the team's structure - and lose some of the progress we made. It's been a slow climb back up since then. We're kinda-almost-not-really-there, but we're getting there.

When the magic works, it's a really nice reinforcement that you have the magic. From that point on, it should be a driving force to continue making the magic work.

More importantly; blue banners are nice, but I'm intensely happy with our constant improvement and program growth, even if it doesn't win us an event. (I won't directly quote, because I don't want to cross social media platforms, but Chris from 2791 had a fantastic status about this as well. I hope he'll choose to share some of his thoughts on Chief.) No matter what our team comes home with, each year we graduate a class of students that just get better and better. That's the real prize for us.

What have we become? A more cohesive team, with lofty goals and a focus on making each other the best we can be.
Are we happy with it? We're over the moon.

[PayneTrain]

Originally Posted by MysterE

To you that win, I have a few questions: How has winning changed you? What has it turned you into? And most importantly; Are you happy with who you have become?

Hanging the banner up in the shop is a cool thing to do. It broadcasts your accomplishments to anyone who wanders in. After a while though, they sort of turn into menacing pairs of eyes that imply you aren't doing enough to get another one. In some cases you can see that as constructive. Our 2014 Chairman's Award Banner hangs in the dead center of the back wall, because being one of the best teams in FIRST is something that we strive for, believe it or not. However, its older brother, the 2002 Regional Winner banner is just a mean old cuss. Next year we could start getting students that haven't been alive since 422 won their last event, and that can be depressing.

[Jacob Bendicksen]

Like Libby's post, this one will be personal, but I feel like I should write this down.

In September 2012, I walked into our lab for the first time. I had never touched a soldering iron, Allen key, or table saw before, but the team took me in as one of its own. I spent the fall concentrating on electronics, dreaming of the days when I'd be the electrical manager, wiring the entire robot in an afternoon. The feeling when the robot that I wired first drove was indescribable - I felt like I had really accomplished something profound.

January 2013, our 2012 Dean's List winner, Marina, asked me, the freshman, to join the Chairman's Award presentation team alongside her and Anne, both seniors with two years of presentation experience. I had to look up what the Chairman's Award was, but it sounded cool, so I jumped in and never looked back. We won the Oregon Regional Chairman's Award, and the sense of accomplishment, of sending the team to St. Louis, was amazing. St. Louis blew my mind, and I cried when Walt said "Team 15...38!" when announcing the Championship Chairman's Award, thinking that he was about to say "15...40!" I've been working towards having someone at the Championship say that ever since.

October 2013, I started the Chairman's essay. I had never lost a Chairman's Award in the Northwest, so it seemed inevitable that we'd win. A few months later, in Oregon City, we didn't. Two weeks later in Wilsonville, we didn't. Both awards went to teams that I didn't even know were submitting, and it was sobering for me. Suddenly, we only had one district left, and it was up to me to get this one right. I spent all of Spring Break reworking the presentation, and it paid off at OSU, and a week later at the PNW Championship. As someone famous once said, 'Victory is sweetest to those who have known defeat.' This time, I cried before St. Louis. We didn't win Chairman's in St. Louis, but we won Innovation in Control, and the look on my friend Colby's face made it worth it.

November 2014, my team chose me as one of two Dean's List nominees. I hadn't even thought about Dean's List up until that point, and I got more and more excited about it as competition season drew closer. For Chairman's, we learned our lesson last year, and we were cautiously optimistic heading into Oregon City. At Oregon City, everything just happened right. The robot, which had been dead last on Friday, ended up as a finalist on Saturday, providing the most fun we've had in playoff matches in years, and this year, our District Chairman's Award banner said 'Oregon City.' At Wilsonville, we were shocked during the award ceremony, when they called us down to receive Safety and Engineering Inspiration - two awards we never expected to receive. A few minutes later, during the Dean's List announcement, the first one went to my friend Mary, from 2733. She earned it. Then the announcer said..."Jason!" My heart sank for a few moments, before he realized that he'd read it wrong, and started calling my name. I flew down the stands and gave Mary the biggest hug I'd given her in a while.

April 2015, this past weekend, at the PNW Championship, I didn't know what to expect. All my friends from other teams were saying that Chairman's and Dean's List were both in the bag, that nothing could stop us and me from winning, but I was still incredibly nervous going into the award ceremony. We clearly weren't infallible for Chairman's, given our experience last year, and I had no idea what to expect for Dean's List. Nonetheless, the amazing Kevin Ross called my name for Dean's List, and a few minutes later, Darin the MC started talking about BunnyBots. We came away with a Chairman's win and I walked out as a Dean's List finalist, and it still hasn't sunk in.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit over the past few days, and I agree with what Libby wrote. While I'm overjoyed to be a Dean's List finalist, I feel like the team deserves the award, the team who took me in, who loved me, who believed in me, who took the most socially awkward middle schooler you'd ever meet and turned him into a team captain in three short years. I'm proud, yes, but I also feel a greater sense of responsibility. I now feel that I need to give back even more, to do more, to impact more.

The magic that Coach Eiland was talking about has worked for me. The entire FIRST community, especially the wonderful members of Team 1540, has played a role in shaping who I am today. As a result, I'm hugely indebted to all of you, and a quote from Henry Ford comes to mind: "To do more for the world than the world has done for you, that is success."

This community has done so much for me that I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to do more, but that won't stop me from trying.

[Jake Coyne]

Congrats on the wins, dude. You guys deserved it. All throughout the weekend, Cole and Oscar (and basically all of drive team/leadership) would not stop talking about how much they freaking love you guys, and I stand with them on that. y'all are some of the coolest and nicest people I've met through first. (Not to mention you got KEVIN ROSS in a chicken suit. That's an award in and of itself) As for us, this is our first time ever scoring chairman's, even at a district level, so we were not expecting it at champs. We went absolutely bananas when Darin and Bret called us down. It was the best weekend of my life so far.