Guidelines for Parents

[GreyingJay]

Some good points were made already - I think the key is to establish the relationship as early as possible so you, and they, know what to expect.

The parent who makes T-shirts needs to understand the structure of the team in terms of who runs branding and marketing, how to follow the branding guidelines, who gets to make the designs (students?) and of course, how the team budget works! Otherwise they might expect to get "well, thanks for these shirts, but since they don't conform to our team branding, weren't designed/agreed upon by the students, and weren't budgeted for by the team, we can't pay you back and we can't guarantee that they'll be worn".

The parent who shows up at competition and demands changes, could be given a chat about how build season works - when is the time to be brainstorming or suggesting major changes, why such changes could be warranted (or not) in light of robot and game rules, team skill, budget, etc., and how such changes are decided and/or voted on.

We had a parent enthusiastically make suggestions to the drive team about what strategies they should employ - not realizing that (a) their ideas would violate key Stronghold game rules, and (b) that ideas about strategy, coming from anybody, need to go through the drive coach. Next year we will try to point parents to the rules earlier so that they can provide their feedback earlier on, when there's still time to act on suggestions.

Parents love their kids and want what's best for them. Sometimes they get wrapped up in the excitement. We've all seen it, many of us have been there ourselves. The key is to harness that energy We have some very supportive parents on our team - several brought the students' entire families to join us on competition day, and they brought all kinds of things to wear in our team colors. Another set of parents made a huge set of team numbers and signs to hold up in the stands. That was a real treat for the drive team to see!

One of our team awards is called the "Booster Award" and is the award given to the most enthusiastic and supportive parents.

[Monochron]

Firstly, the only effective way to deal with this is to have the mentor/adult most responsible for the team talking directly to the person. My advice is directed at that person on your team.

I'm definitely still learning the best ways to deal with this (and the above responses probably come from more experience than me!) but my best advice would be to be blunt with your intentions when talking with parents like that. It sounds like you are dealing with people who are good at steam rolling a discussion. Remember that you are the one in charge of, and responsible for, the team and tell that parent what you have decided. Something along the lines of "I appreciate what you suggested, but we are going to do this instead". Be open to discussion, but after the discussion has run its course, make a decision and move on. Being quietly firm can be very powerful.

Written policies are only going to go so far. Its good to have them, but if an argument does break out, directing them to article X section Y of a handbook isn't going to get anything done. Frankly our written policies don't say anything about who makes engineering or business decisions, but as mentors we have the authority to make sure it is done in a way that the team approves of. And to do that, we sometimes have to use the firm but quiet method.

There is a chance that you may make some people very angry. You should avoid that, but you have to be willing to let it happen if it is for the good of the team.

[frcguy]

Originally Posted by Monochron

Firstly, the only effective way to deal with this is to have the mentor/adult most responsible for the team talking directly to the person. My advice is directed at that person on your team.

I'm definitely still learning the best ways to deal with this (and the above responses probably come from more experience than me!) but my best advice would be to be blunt with your intentions when talking with parents like that. It sounds like you are dealing with people who are good at steam rolling a discussion. Remember that you are the one in charge of, and responsible for, the team and tell that parent what you have decided. Something along the lines of "I appreciate what you suggested, but we are going to do this instead". Be open to discussion, but after the discussion has run its course, make a decision and move on. Being quietly firm can be very powerful.

Written policies are only going to go so far. Its good to have them, but if an argument does break out, directing them to article X section Y of a handbook isn't going to get anything done. Frankly our written policies don't say anything about who makes engineering or business decisions, but as mentors we have the authority to make sure it is done in a way that the team approves of. And to do that, we sometimes have to use the firm but quiet method.

There is a chance that you may make some people very angry. You should avoid that, but you have to be willing to let it happen if it is for the good of the team.

So much +1

[GreyingJay]

Originally Posted by Monochron

It sounds like you are dealing with people who are good at steam rolling a discussion. Remember that you are the one in charge of, and responsible for, the team and tell that parent what you have decided. Something along the lines of "I appreciate what you suggested, but we are going to do this instead". Be open to discussion, but after the discussion has run its course, make a decision and move on. Being quietly firm can be very powerful.

Written policies are only going to go so far. Its good to have them, but if an argument does break out, directing them to article X section Y of a handbook isn't going to get anything done. Frankly our written policies don't say anything about who makes engineering or business decisions, but as mentors we have the authority to make sure it is done in a way that the team approves of. And to do that, we sometimes have to use the firm but quiet method.

Agreed, but I think there's a way to structure your team and policies so you can refer back to them and use that as your "quietly firm" way of ending a discussion. If your team policy makes it clear, say, that robot decisions are made by the design team, or that all major decisions go to a team vote, then make it clear that neither you, nor I, can just make something happen because we want it to.

In other words if we say "I appreciate what you suggested, but we are going to do this instead", the unspoken part is "...because I said so". Which, in the heat of the moment, is a battle of wills that only gets people angry.

I would say instead, something like "I appreciate what you suggested, but the students decided to do this, and they've been working hard at it since January, so we're going to respect it." Or "I appreciate it, but there's a process we need to follow and it would be unfair to the students if we went around that." Don't make it about your will versus theirs, make them see that it's what's best for the team.

The other side of it is to give them a chance later to say their piece. Maybe they truly feel the team would do better by doing X instead of Y. Give them a chance to say so, perhaps in a retrospective. Maybe they're right! Maybe you can include their input earlier in the process next season.

[Monochron]

Originally Posted by GreyingJay

In other words if we say "I appreciate what you suggested, but we are going to do this instead", the unspoken part is "...because I said so". Which, in the heat of the moment, is a battle of wills that only gets people angry.

I would say instead, something like "I appreciate what you suggested, but the students decided to do this, and they've been working hard at it since January, so we're going to respect it." Or "I appreciate it, but there's a process we need to follow and it would be unfair to the students if we went around that." Don't make it about your will versus theirs, make them see that it's what's best for the team.

Yes I agree, clarity on where decisions are coming from, and why, is very important. I meant that sentence as more of general form of stating the decision and moving forward, rather than a specific way to phrase what you say. Who decides what changes to make at a competition for instance can be tricky, but it needs to be clear.

For instance, I was imagining a particular logistics decision I made this past year in which case both parties were aware of how the decision was reached and were aware that I was the one making the final call. The phrasing fits that situation well but can be modified for others.