Best joke you've heard

[KenWittlief]

ok this is the funniest story I think Ive ever heard.

A family owned a beautify, well trained and gentle golden retreiver named Rex. Late one august night Mike was sitting at his kitchen table having a snack before bedtime, and Rex came scratching at the door. Mike opened the door to let him in, and there was Rex, holding the neighbors pet rabbit "Fluffy" in his jaws.

Mike was shocked! He scolded Rex and Fluffy fell from his mouth to the floor - dead, covered with dirt.

Mike picked the poor bunny up and placed him on the kitchen table. they had been friends with the neighbors for years, and he didnt know how he was going to tell them what Rex had done. He turned to Rex and scolded him again "BAD DOG! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MR FLUFFY?"

Mike was worried that this sort of thing could cost them their neighbors friendship, but then he got an idea. They had Fluffy for a long time. Fluffy was old anyway - maybe he could convince them that he had simply died of old age?

So he got his wifes shampoo and washed the dead rabbit up in the kitchen sink, got his wifes blow dryer and got Fluffy looking nice again, brushing his fur - he almost looked like he was asleep.

Mike waited till 3AM, then snuck over the back fence and put Fluffy back in his hutch - then went home, closed the door quietly. He took one last look to see if anyone saw him, and felt terrible for being dishonest with his best friends, but thought this was the best thing to do. Hopefully they will think Fluffy died in his sleep.

The next morning at 6am there was a pounding on his door. He opened it and there was his neighbor, looking very upset and angry.

Mike! weve got a serious problem!

before Mike could say anything his neighbor continued: We've got some really sick person living in this neighbor hood. SICK!

Mike was taken aback, and said 'what do you mean?'

Well yesterday Fluffy died. We had a little ceremony for him and buried him in a shoebox behind our garden. And last night some sick creep dug him up, gave him a shampoo, and put him back in his cage!

[EddieMcD]

Two blondes walk into a bar.

Ow!

[Jay H 237]

Since I work with two blondes and a redhead I hear jokes all day and I have two more to add to this thread.


A blonde and a redhead were in a bar watching the news on TV. Reporter on news:"This just in! A man is about to jump off a bridge!" The redhead turns to the blonde and says:"I'll bet you $100 the guy jumps." The blonde:"You have a bet!" They both turn back to the TV in time to see the guy jump. The blonde gets $100 out of her purse and hands it to the redhead. The redhead feels guilty and says:"I can't take your money. I saw the news earlier and knew he would jump." The blonde:" I saw the news earlier too, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


How do you know when a redhead has forgiven you?

When she quits doing your laundry in the toilet bowl!

[Frogg]

One of my team mates recently told me this joke, its short so bear w/ me.


What goes clip-clop bang clip-clop bang?























An Amish Drive-by.

[Stina236]

Ok here goes one- it's slightly amusing:

A man walks into a bar one night and sits down and orders a drink. the bartender serves him and a phone starts to ring. The bartender glances at his phone, but it's not his. He looks to the man who is know speaking "Friday night? You sure? Fine, fine. I'll talk to you later, bye." The man then continues drinking his drink. "Who were you talking to?" the bartender asks. The man says "I had a phone call, and i answered" "But you didn't have a phone!" the bartender says. The man grins, "I know, but i have a phone in me" the bartender shakes his head in disbelief. "You're crazy"
The phone rings again, and the man starts speaking "Hi! Yeah, i can't talk right now... see you tomorrow." The bartender shakes his head in disbelief. He's about to ask the man a question about this supposed phone inside him when the man gets up and walks to the restroom. After about 15 minutes, the bartender is worried- maybe the guy passed out. He goes into the restroom and sees the man bent over with toilet paper coming out of his rear end. "What the heck do you think you're doing!?" the bartender yells, disgusted. The man replies, "Um, could you excuse me please? i'm receiving a fax here."

[JakeGallagher]

Not quite the best jokoe I've ever heard, but:

A man is going to the Bahamas to check out a house he's looking to buy down there. He gets down and sends an email to his wife, who is supposed to come check it out with him soon.

The next day, a new widow is checking her email and from the next room, her daughter hears a scream. She goes into the computer room to find her mother has fainted and is on the floor.

She wonders: what could have made her faint? So she looks on the computer screen and reads the email:

Honey:
I'm sorry that I had to go before you, but it's great around here! You wouldn't believe how many nice people are here, and there's even a couple people I know from work.
We're getting ready for your arrival next week. Love you!

PS--It sure is warm down here!

So, whaddaya think?

[Yan Wang]

Jake, that joke was amazingly subtle. I had to read it a second time to get it. I think I need more vulgar, hit me in the face stuff

Why did the dead [fill in blank] cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.

*don't hit me!*

[Damien841]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[Alaina]

Originally Posted by KenWittlief

I dont think thats very funny - I have HADD myself and I get really tired of...ummm. HEY! its snowing outside - isnt this like the 3rd day of spring? whats up with that?

what was I saying before?!

oh yeah - the buckeye regional is going to be a blast - lots of top notch teams -cant wait

I think that's one of the funnier things I've heard in my life...

[sirbleedsalot]

A rich, well-loved cardiologist lived a long and prosperous life, but, finally passed away as we all tend to do. Being the all-around nice guy that he was, his many friends and co-workers gave him a spectacular funeral.

As they all stood and watched, his mahogany coffin slid along tracks into the crematory doors. Encircling the crematory doors was a massive ornate heart, made of roses and carnations, to signify all the hearts he had touched, literally and figuratively.

Suddenly, one of the doctor's best friends began to laugh histerically. Quite angry at the outburst, everyone turned to glare at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was just thinking: I'm a gynecologist, so what's my funeral gonna be like?"

The proctologist gasped and fainted.

[Daniel Brim]

Physics teacher to a blonde student: What is the speed of light in a vaccuum?
Blonde: Is it on?

[Hailfire]

Here's one that I got from a cousin in an email a long time ago. It's not the best I've heard, but anyways, here it is...

TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS
MUST BE FEMALE

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.
2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed
to memory for future reference.
4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and
they don't, won't, or can't follow it.
5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on
particularly if you already have a floppy in.
6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your
computer will get it.
7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
8. A better model is just around the corner.
9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.
10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

Here's one that I read on a website long ago.

A blonde and a brunette inherit their father's farm and notices that they don't have any bulls. So the brunette leaves to find a bull for their farm with $100 in her pocket. She finds a bull and buys it for $99. She then sets out to the post office. She finds asks the man there and asks, "Excuse me, I need to send a message to my sister. How much is it?" The man replies, "It's $1 per word." The brunette thinks about it for a while and says, "I need to tell her to bring the truck so we can haul the bull back to our farm. I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The man replies, "How in the world is your sister supposed to know to pick up the bull by sending her the word 'comfortable'?" The brunette responds, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slow."

[Michelle 236]

a friend sent me this today:

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are freaking impossible to please. The exit is to your left,
We hope you fall down the stairs."

[Crop-Circles]

To follow up all the blonde jokes...

A ventriliquist (don't know how to spell) is finishing up his act with the usual blonde jokes. Afterwards, a blonde stands up and starts yelling, "Hey, I don't apreciate you spreading all those stupid jokes. Everyday I have to put up with people acting like I'm a complete idiot. It's really annoying."

He starts to feel really bad and says, "I'm sorry, I never really thought about it that way. I didn't mean to..."

But the blonde cuts him off and says, "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee!"

[Jay H 237]

This is another blonde one I was sent by email awhile back.


TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS :

1. water-proof towel

2. solar powered flashlight

3. submarine screen door

4. a book on how to read

5. inflatable dart board

6. dictionary index

7. helicopter ejector seat

8. powdered water

9. pedal powered wheel chair

10. water proof tea bag