Jokes

[Branden Ghena]

There are really 3 types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

[Branden Ghena]

3 girls were being chased by a blonde cop and his partner. The girls hid in sacks, and the cops
decided to check the sacks before moving on. When the blond cop kicked the first one, he heard, "meow, meow."
"Its OK," he said to his partner, "this sack has a cat in it." When he kicked the second one, he heard, "woof, woof."
"Its good too," he said to his partner, "this sack has a dog in it."
When the cop kicked the last one, he heard, "potato, potato."
"Its good too," he said to his partner, "this sack is filled with potatoes."

[Branden Ghena]

Yo momma's so fat she sweats crisco!

[sciencenerd]

Originally Posted by vic burg

I have a feeling this one will raise questions but it still works....

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those whom understand binary and those whom don't.

I think you may have underestimated the kind of people who hang out on this forum.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you must be Matthew -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of h*** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks a little haughtily, "So, how's it going down there in h***?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? There must have been a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God answered, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Wayne Doenges]

Research scientist have started using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments for two reasons.
One, they don't become emotionally attached to the lawyers and two, there are some things even a rat won't do.

If a turtle looses it shell, is it naked or homeless?

Three robots drive into a bar. The forth one had a better driver.

A brunette and a blond bought a cattle ranch. They had just $500.00 to buy a bull. The brunette goes to Texas and finds a bull for $499.00. She goes to the Western Union to telegraph the blond to bring the trailer. The operator says it is $1.00 per word. The brunette thinks for a moment and has the operator send the word 'comfortable'. The operator gives her a puzzled look and ask why 'comfortable'. The brunette says "my blond friend will read it as "Come for the bull".

[irishninja]

Originally Posted by Wayne Doenges

If a turtle looses it shell, is it naked or homeless?

Actually its dead.

And everybody knows that there are 11 types of people in this world. Those who can count in binary, those who can't, and those who know this joke should go there are 10 types of people in this world.

What do you do when a blond in the army throws a pin at you?
Duck for cover.

How do you get down from a elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.

So theres a blind man who walks into a bar and he says after a couple of drinks, "ANybody want to hear a blond joke?"
The lady next to him says "Sir. You are blind, so you have a right to now. I'm blond, the bartender is blond, the lady behind you is blond and is a professional weight lifter, the woman on your right is blond and shes an olympic wrestler. I am in shape, and the bartender looks like shes been through the mill. Do you really want to tell the joke?"
The blind man thinks for a minute and says "No. I wouldn't want to have to explain four times."

[Branden Ghena]

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
You open the door and put it in.

How do you put elephant in a fridge?
You open the door, take the giraffe out, and put it in.

The lion calls a meeting of all animals, who doesn't show up?
The elephant, he's still in the fridge.

[EricH]

Originally Posted by irishninja

What do you do when a blond in the army throws a pin at you?
Duck for cover.

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you sink a sub full of blondes?
Knock on the hatch.

[EddieMcD]

Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag, and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting, he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there, in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him, but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you." And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."

[Kel D]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the exasperated frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've
told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer smiled again. 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now, that's cool."

[anna~marie]

side note : I'm glad that I actually get most of these!! *proud* (I'm not blonde I swear...)

[JaneYoung]

Originally Posted by anna~marie

side note : I'm glad that I actually get most of these!! *proud* (I'm not blonde I swear...)

Blond is a state of mind, trust me.

[Dylan]

Since we seem to be going through a blond patch;


SHE WAS SO BLONDE…
… she thought a quarterback was a refund
… she thought General Motors was in the army
… she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
… at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE…
… she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
… she sent a fax with a stamp on it
… she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
… under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE…
… she tripped over a cordless phone
… she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
… she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
… she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
… she studied for a blood test
… she sold her car for gas money
… when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE…
… when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
… she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
… she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
… she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening