Funny things teachers/professors have said

[kio_chan176]

Originally Posted by Australia829

Okay, here is what really happened, since neither of you guys got it right...

Girl: But those numbers don't fit on our graph paper!
Teacher: Well, you guys won't have to graph equations with numbers as big as those. But I can because I have a big thing.

I was there, so I would know! BWAH!

It happened in several classes. I know because I specifically remember him telling that to Roshni, who was in my period.

[Lisa Perez]

We're writing problems complete with solutions on the board. I finish mine and say, "So, the answer is 2e." Now, the professor usually asks the rest of the class for their consensus, so as to make sure they are paying attention and all, and this time he decides to go "2e, or not 2e? That is the question..."

[Church]

McGowan, our robotics mentor, has some great sayings. Very few make sense.

"If you weren't confused, you wouldn't know what's going on!"
--Whenever a student states their confusion

"If you were Japanese, this would be done by now!"
--Micky G loves Asians because he says they're harder workers than us lazy American teens

"Amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic."
--If you ask for help on your class project

"I'll order you guys pizza if you do it right/finish on time/win an award."
--He owes just about every student he's ever had quite a few pizza parties and the occaisional cupcake

"The parts are being delivered tomorrow."
--When he hasn't ordered them yet.

McGowan has the dirtiest classroom ever (I found petrified food behind one of his desks), and his solution: build a new classroom and demolish the old one. He's also good at sending e-mails that leave out key information such as date, time, or location. But in spite of all of his confusing-ness, he's a pretty awesome teacher (unless you want to learn something).

[lukevanoort]

Atlanta last year, our team founder said, "We need to play more offense or we won't get picked for the eliminations." Okay, a reasonable enough request. But later on after we had hurridly put the arm back together after a total rebuild to try to fix our bind problem. (It didn't work) "Finally, some offense." Then the cable that controlled the telescoping action snapped off. (catastrophic failures are so punctual)

"Turn your head sideways. That's why it's called a cleavage furrow"
-bio teacher

"There is no Angle Side Side theorum" (check the acronym)
-geometry teacher

"Can I borrow some Vicadin?"
-Net teacher (joking to a kid who was actually on it for medical reasons)

"Do you have any good drugs, or just the usual?"
-Net teacher (joking to a stoner)

"Boys, pull your pants down."
-English teacher (meant to say feet)

[Adam Y.]

You know someone in my differential equations class actually made a list of quotes my teacher said. Unfortuately half of them are a little inapproprate for chiefdelphi but here are some of the ones that are really funny.
"Sometimes I wonder if I can say nonsense up here and have people still believe me."
"Here is my favorite unit deathes per fish per day." -Yes we did a math problem on the rate of fish dying.
"You know I often wondered if I can walk up to my class and speak with an accent. You know make up an accent maybe Russian and then have half the class drop out. Then I would laugh and say I just wanted a smaller class."
"You know some people would say Im an ******* and of course they would be right"
Here is a quote from my circuits teacher about Steimitz:
"Piece of chalk one cent. Knowing what to do with the piece of chalk 999.99."

[EricH]

Dragging this up (again), but this is amusing.

Student: How many questions will be on the final?
Professor: Doesn't matter. I could put twenty, and you'd be out of here in half an hour. I could put five, and I'd have to yank your papers away at the end of class.

(Class: Calculus. Length of class: 2 hours, 30 minutes.)
This happened for the five "in-between" tests and the final.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

Okay... these are all from my English 101 prof this year. He's taught everywhere and traveled everywhere. Name's Galon.

"Nice Galon will have pity on you, but mean Galon will tear up your paper and toss you into the burning inferno!"

"To pass this class you have to learn to say one single four-lettered word that ends in k" (work) He scared away most of the class with that comment right there. We started with 25 people and ended with 5 people finishing the class.

Singing as he walked into the room on many occassions, "Today is the daaaaay! You all juuump offf a cliffff!"

"Jeremiah, you write like a lawyer. What is it you're going to become?" "Mechanical engineer." "Good, I don't want you to waste this kind of talent on talking junk, just building it."

[Mike Schroeder]

In high school, my drafting teacher said this to me after I jokingly told he he was loosing his memory,

Mike, I may wake up in the morning not knowing who I am, but at least I wake up and I know I not you......
everyone got a good laugh, it was funny

[ScoutingNerd175]

OH, yay!

My calculus TA is from Poland.

In the immortal words of my Calc 1 TA:
From the Syllabus:
"Please don't come too late to class- you may miss important information or lost connection with blackboard."
"The following behavior in class is prohibited: ... using musical instruments and singing."
"Any person who won't obey this rule will be asked to stay outside the classroom until the reason stops."

In class discussion:
"So, if you were playing a violin, you would have to sit outside until you stopped."
"The best way to understand the squeeze theorem is two cops and a drunk man."
"So think of e^x like a member of the army. And the drill Sergeant says do push-ups but one man wont do the pushups so the drill sergeant says to him 'do the push-ups or I will differentiate you' And the guy isn't afraid... because he's e^x and nothing happens to e^x when you differentiate it."

And my Anthropology TA:

1st email: Article for tomorrow's quiz attached.
2nd email: Sorry for my error. Here is the article for tomorrow's quiz.
3rd email: Article for tomorrow's quiz actually attached this time.
4th email: Article to be distributed tomorrow for next week's quiz.

My intro engineering prof after our lecture on binary addition.
Alright, kids. Now you can go call your mommies and tell them that you just learned to add 1 + 1. I'm sure they'll feel that they are getting their 40,000 dollars worth.

[KTorak]

I'll have to say that college classes tend to be more humorous becuase my comp teacher always had these weird stories and word puns.

But my H.S. Honors Pre-Calc teacher always says:
Teacher: "Does anyone know the answer to this?"
(student raises hand)
Teacher: "Anyone else?"
(a few more hands)
Teacher: "Ok, since your probably gonna be wrong becuase no one can answer it, does anyone care to not attempt to answer?"
(all the hands go bakc down at once).

or...

Teacher: "I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but you're dead wrong"

or...

Teacher: "Does anybody have a favorite it variable to use?"
(students shout out letters)
Teacher: "Now that we got that out of our system, let's use mine anyways..."

[BuddyB309]

One of our mentors on the team: (to matt) "Hey have you seen matt?" (Pause) "OH hey! you are Matt!" (laughs histarically)

anther mentor: "Man those guys at coca-cola are stupid. They put the top of the can on the bottom and the bottom of the can on top!" (takes pen and jabs it through side of can) "ahhh....... much better"

Film professor: (in a thick accent of course) "What did you think about the film in class yesterday?" (scilence) "anyone?" (more scilence) "What part do you remeber about the film?" (yet more scilence) "What was the name of the film?" (......) "anyone?" (pause) "how many of you went and saw the film?" (one person raises their hand) "Oh! one person! One whole person saw the film in class yesterday out of twenty. OK what did you like about the film" girl: "I cant remeber I fell asleep."

[neilsonster]

My Calc 1 prof was talking about indeterminate forms before showing us L'Hopital's rule, and he said, "If you had 0/0, then that would be dragons... because dragons don't exist, so they make no sense."

My electricity & magnetism prof this term is named Jim Martin, and we were studying AC circuits. He was showing us how to use phasors and expressing them in polar form and whatnot, and started writing "j" instead of "i" for complex numbers, and explained that this is common practice for electrical engineers since lowercase "i" is often used to represent current, but the main reason he used j instead of i was that he liked to think that "j stands for Jim."

[Jaypea]

TEACHER: Mr Britton, you are rude and crude!
STUDENT (Brian Britton): Mrs Fine, you are a poet and you didn't even know it.
TEACHER: GO TO THE OFFICE!

[Taylor]

As a teacher, I take pride in the fact that most of my sayings go right over the top of many students' heads. In fact, if more than 1/3 of the class laughs at one of my jokes, I consider it a failure.
One of my best (happened while I was berating the class on their poor homework completion percentages): "Honestly, I don't know if you're apathetic, or you just don't care."

[ZeetherKID77]

"We need some basketballs"

and then some kid says "I have two"