Fun With Telemarketers!

[Joe Matt]

You hate them. They call while your eating. While your sleeping. In Spanish. In Russian. They call to change your cable/phone/credit card company. They want your BLOOD! Ok, mabey not the last one, but here are some nice little tricks to get TOTAL REVENGE!!!!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

5. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

7. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

8. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” and then hang up.

10. Pick up the phone and whisper “Hey, Duke? You got the stuff?”

11. When you pick up the phone, say “Hello?" (Then pretend there's someone in your room. "No! No! Don’t look at me that way! No! No! Help! NOOOOO!” and hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him will give you his home phone number so you can call him back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. When they give their name, say “You know, there was a nice young woman who asked me about that last night…let’s see what did I tell her…oh yes!” Hang up.

14. When you pickup, yell, “Taliban!” or "Papa John's Pizza!"

15. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

16. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your father doing?"

17. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

18. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

19. Explain to them in a very deep and monotone pitch that you are a man named Petunia who likes to frollick in the daffodils. Ask if they want to go with you.

20. When you pick up the phone, tell them..."Let me put you on hold.” It’s a Small World theme plays.

21. Pretend you're a radio station. For example: "Welcome to radio station WKFE! You are our lucky 20th caller and are about to win five million dollars! If you’ll please tell us the address from where you’re coming from!”

[FotoPlasma]

I don't hate telemarketers. It's most likely some poor dude (or dudette, as the case may be) who can't get a better job anywhere else, and is forced to call you by some slave-driver managerial staff. Really, do you think anyone aspires to become a telemarketer when they're a kid?

The main thing, or so I've heard, that can get a telemarketer fired is to keep them on the phone for too long, efficiency is of the utmost importance. Because of this fact, whenever I am called by a telemarketer, I don't make an excuse, I just hang up. I don't particularly want to be responsible for some poor guy (or girl) getting fired from what was probably the only job they could get...

[Joe Matt]

Originally posted by FotoPlasma
I don't hate telemarketers. It's most likely some poor dude (or dudette, as the case may be) who can't get a better job anywhere else, and is forced to call you by some slave-driver managerial staff. Really, do you think anyone aspires to become a telemarketer when they're a kid?

The main thing, or so I've heard, that can get a telemarketer fired is to keep them on the phone for too long, efficiency is of the utmost importance. Because of this fact, whenever I am called by a telemarketer, I don't make an excuse, I just hang up. I don't particularly want to be responsible for some poor guy (or girl) getting fired from what was probably the only job they could get...

It's a joke Foto, I'm not that heartless....

A Telemarketer sketch from seinfeld:

J= Jerry, T= Telemarketer

T: Hello, Mr Seinfeld, can I intrest you in applying for our credit card

J: Um, im kind of busy at the moment, here i have an idea. How about you give me your number and ill call you tonight and we will talk about it then.

T: Um, sir i cannot do that.

J: Why not?

T: Were not allowed to give our names and #s out

J: Why, because you dont want people calling you

T: Yes, exactly

J: Now you know how I feel...

Click

[MissInformation]

I have a friend whose mother loves taking phone calls from telemarketers. Some of her wacky turn downs include:

Potomac Mills photography studio: "No, I'm sorry, my family is too ugly. We never let our pictures be taken."

Local travel agency: "My husband and I only travel to places we can get to by horse."

Some Literacy Program: "I'm sorry, my husband and I are raising our children to be illiterate."

Some telemarketer who asked to speak to the man of the house: "Well, ever since the hunting accident, my husband can only speak in a series of grunts and clicks. If you still want to talk to him, I can translate for you."

It's really funny to listen to, she says it in such a calm, serious voice. If I were a telemarketer, I would call her every day just to hear her excuses.

MissInformation

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Non Sequitur Society motto: We don't have regular meetings,but we do like pizza. -Unknown

[Clark Gilbert]

Telemarketers? what are those? Since they made that new Indiana law i havent had a single telemarketer call for like 1 year, but when they did call i've told a few of them that the person they asked for died...that always seemed to throw things in a twist.

Were on that No-telemarket list, but we still get calls from time to time...

[Brandon Martus]

My dad once convinced a lawn maintenance company that we had Astro-Turf instead of real grass, and it was looking too clean & tidy, so he wanted them to come paint weeds in it.

He was on the phone for a good 15-20 minutes, got transferred to 2-3 people, if I remember right.

[ChrisA]

i had mci call me this one time. they were wanting me to switch to their phone service. they asked me a few questions about my present service. such as what features i had and how much i was paying. i of course told him a complete lie. at the end of the conversation he told me that he hated to admit it but they had no plans to beat my current plan. then he said goodbye and i havent heard from them since.

[Andy A.]

Telemarketer: Hello, is Mr. Alva- uh, Alvarango there?

Me: oh, ya, sure, let me get him *puts phone down, walks away*

Thats all you need to do, just put the phone down and forget about it. Maybe it is evil, but I guess I'm just heartless.

-Andy Alv-a-ren-ga (lets sound it out people, its not that hard)

[MissInformation]

Originally posted by Brandon Martus
My dad once convinced a lawn maintenance company that we had Astro-Turf instead of real grass, and it was looking too clean & tidy, so he wanted them to come paint weeds in it.

He was on the phone for a good 15-20 minutes, got transferred to 2-3 people, if I remember right.

Your father sounds like a great man! That is just too funny! One time my brother-in-law called my mother pretending to be from some organization collecting donations to send needy kids to college. He was very persistant, wouldn't take no for an answer and it was really funny to hear my mother (who doesn't like to say no) lie through her teeth to try to get out of it.

MissInformation

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Well, that's it. It's time my California dreaming became a reality.

[Katie Reynolds]

<Texan drawl> "Is Mistuh Raaaaynulds tha?"</Texan drawl>

*click*

- Katie

[Joe Matt]

Excuse me, is Ms. Stage-cafe here?

Um, no.

When will they be here?

Latter. Bye

[David Kelly]

You should all go out and buy a cd by Tom Mabe. It's called "Revenge on the Telemarketers." I think I first heard him on Bob and Tom. It's freggin hillarious and has some good ideas .

[MattK]

The best one I ever pulled was when some lady called for a new long distance plan, I talked to her in my "Whitey" voice for @ least 20min (whitey is a character from a Adam Sandler CD, although he is also the Short old guy in adam sandlers new movie 8 Crazy Nights) I got a total kick out of it. I eventualy got put on speaker phone there. It was crazy!