Fun With Telemarketers!

[Joe Matt]

You hate them. They call while your eating. While your sleeping. In Spanish. In Russian. They call to change your cable/phone/credit card company. They want your BLOOD! Ok, mabey not the last one, but here are some nice little tricks to get TOTAL REVENGE!!!!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

5. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

7. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

8. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” and then hang up.

10. Pick up the phone and whisper “Hey, Duke? You got the stuff?”

11. When you pick up the phone, say “Hello?" (Then pretend there's someone in your room. "No! No! Don’t look at me that way! No! No! Help! NOOOOO!” and hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him will give you his home phone number so you can call him back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. When they give their name, say “You know, there was a nice young woman who asked me about that last night…let’s see what did I tell her…oh yes!” Hang up.

14. When you pickup, yell, “Taliban!” or "Papa John's Pizza!"

15. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

16. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your father doing?"

17. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

18. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

19. Explain to them in a very deep and monotone pitch that you are a man named Petunia who likes to frollick in the daffodils. Ask if they want to go with you.

20. When you pick up the phone, tell them..."Let me put you on hold.” It’s a Small World theme plays.

21. Pretend you're a radio station. For example: "Welcome to radio station WKFE! You are our lucky 20th caller and are about to win five million dollars! If you’ll please tell us the address from where you’re coming from!”