"You Might Be an Engineer If..."

[Beth Sweet]

Found this at http://funnies.paco.to/engineerTraits.html and thought some of you may find it funny...


You might be an engineer if...

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think your computer looks better without the cover

If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep

If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate

[Kyle]

just to add one that wasn't there.

If you Think Bald or balding is an acceptable hair style...

[sciguy125]

My personal favorite engineer identification test:
====================================
Engineers Explained

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

1. How smart they are.
2. How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

[Brian Lesser]

Originally Posted by Beth Sweet

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

Are you saying coconuts are migratory?

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

And this is my son, Pentiu- I mean Peter.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

I wouldn't be surprised

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

Happened to me once

If your checkbook always balances

*checks* so far so good

If you know what http:/ stands for

Hyper-Text Transfer Protocol

And I'm not an engineer...

[dlavery]

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

I hate to admit it, but this actually has happened.

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

Mr. Creosote, would you like an after-dinner mint? It's wafer thin!

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

In the northern hemisphere, and the southern hemisphere.

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

Well, we did use Photoshop to design the graphics and paint scheme. Of course, to do it correctly, we had to have an accurate image of the shape of the car to use as the background image in Photoshop. So it just seemed easier to knock together a quick CAD model instead of taking a photo...

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

See the "Dilbert Zone" poster hanging in my office.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

It had a cover?

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

Backups are for wussies.

If you have more toys than your kids

Guilty. And they are bigger and more expensive.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

I am not even going to touch that one...

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

Monster House is on Mondays at 8:00, followed by Monster Garage, and then American Chopper. If you stay up until 1:00am you can see them all again.

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

I actually OWN at least six sets. I can FIND one.

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

Reverse Polish Notation. I once wrote an algorithm to convert from conventional notation to RPN and back again, just because I felt like it.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate

And I can consume all four of them with two tiems: Diet coke and a chocolate covered Krispy Kreme donut.

So just stamp "GEEK" on my forehead, and let me get back to watching "Myth Busters"

-dave

[sciguy125]

If Dilbert is your hero

Dilbert's not my hero. He's my...whatever's bigger than a hero... Every day, I strive to be just like him.

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

The Trouble With Tribles - TOS
Trials and Triblations - DS9
Endgame - Voyager
Encounter at Farpoint - TNG
Broken Bow - Enterprise
Who Mourns for Morn? - DS9
Do I get bonus points for knowing the series?

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

Of course. Although one year, I started trying to figure out a device that would make that job obsolete. I'm still working on it...

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

My ideal evening is watching them. I pick up on the inaccuracies as I go. In an episode of Enterprise (do I lose points for not knowing the name?), Dr. Soong used an escape pod to get off of a Klingon ship. But, everyone knows that Klingons don't have escape pods; they're dishonorable.

If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid

When I was a kid, I was too scared of ET to notice that. Later, however, I did realize that an alien that posesses interstellar transportation technology should have come up with something better.

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

What if I made the computer make backups on it's own? I couldn't find enough drives to make a nice RAID, so I wrote a script to automatically make copies on another computer.

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

I haven't tried Circuit City, but the Radioshack guys are pretty worthless.

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

I'm not old enough to own a calculator that used Reverse Polish Notation. Do I still get points if I've successfully operated one?

[anna~marie]

... I used to think I was a geek, but now I see I am sadly mistaken ...

[Amanda Morrison]

Originally Posted by Beth Sweet

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

Ah, this sounds like a sitcom whose pilot I should write and send to NBC - "Life With Lavery". There's a lot of eating, several practical jokes, and lots of bad hair.

[Billfred]

Well, NBC's gotta try something different to get out of third place...

(Personally, I'd be thrilled with a little more sports coverage.)

[looneylin]

i dunno... i have a habit of destroying things to see how they work... n making thing more complicated than they have to be

just pm/IM me about super toilet. lol. it's one of my best/worse ideas. hehe.
gotta go? bring it on!

[dlavery]

Originally Posted by Beth Sweet

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

I want a clarification on this one. Depending how the sentence is parsed, this could mean "If you can quote a scene from at least one Monty Python movie" or "If you can quote at least one scene from every Monty Python movie." Is the correct interpretation the first one or the second.

Actually, never mind, it really doesn't matter.

-dave


"Oooohhhh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day..."

"It's only a flesh wound! Come back you pansy!"

"I heard he nailed your head to the floor?" "Yeah, well I deserved it, didn't I? After all, I had broken the unwritten law."

"We are three wise men." " Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me."

"There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all." "Uh, well, one." "Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid."

"Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping. This is my favorite."

"It is the middle of the dark ages, ages darker than anyone had expected."

"Dead? That's no excuse for laying off work."

"Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence."

[Ian Curtis]

Originally Posted by dlavery

"It's only a flesh wound! Come back you pansy!"

Dave isn't it "Tis only a flesh wound! Come back you pansy!"?

[Brian Lesser]

Originally Posted by iCurtis

Dave isn't it "Tis only a flesh wound! Come back you pansy!"?

both of you are wrong O.o Im so glad I have the screenplay with me right now...

*arm is cut off*

Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis just a scratch.
Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off
Black Knight: No it isn't
Arthur: What's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You're a liar
Black Knight: Come on you pansy.

*other arm chopped off*

Arthur: Victory is mine. *sinking to his knees* I thank thee O Lord that in thy...
Black Knight: Come on then
Arthur: What!
Black Knight: *kicks Arthur*
Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Had enough?
Arthur: You stupid *There's children here*. You haven't got any arms left.
Black Knight: Course I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: What! Just a flesh wound.
Arthur: Stop that.
Black Knight: Had enough...?
Arthur: I'll have your leg.
Black Knight: *kicks Arthur*
Arthur: *chops off one leg*
Black Knight: I'll do you for that.
Arthur: You'll what...?
Black Knight: Come here.
Arthur: What are you going to do. Bleed on me?
Black Knight: I am invincible
Arthur: You're a looney
Black Knight: The Black Knight always tiumphs. Have at you?
Arthur: *chops other leg*
Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw.
Arthur: Come, Patsy.
Black Knight: Running away, eh? You yellow *there's children here*, come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

*there's children here* = my very own censors

[dlavery]

Originally Posted by Brian Lesser

both of you are wrong O.o Im so glad I have the screenplay with me right now...

*arm is cut off*

Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis just a scratch.
Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off
Black Knight: No it isn't
Arthur: What's that then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You're a liar
Black Knight: Come on you pansy.

*other arm chopped off*

Arthur: Victory is mine. *sinking to his knees* I thank thee O Lord that in thy...
Black Knight: Come on then
Arthur: What!
Black Knight: *kicks Arthur*
Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Had enough?
Arthur: You stupid *There's children here*. You haven't got any arms left.
Black Knight: Course I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: What! Just a flesh wound.
Arthur: Stop that.
Black Knight: Had enough...?
Arthur: I'll have your leg.
Black Knight: *kicks Arthur*
Arthur: *chops off one leg*
Black Knight: I'll do you for that.
Arthur: You'll what...?
Black Knight: Come here.
Arthur: What are you going to do. Bleed on me?
Black Knight: I am invincible
Arthur: You're a looney
Black Knight: The Black Knight always tiumphs. Have at you?
Arthur: *chops other leg*
Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw.
Arthur: Come, Patsy.
Black Knight: Running away, eh? You yellow *there's children here*, come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

*there's children here* = my very own censors

OK, so which is more geeky - knowing several scenes from multiple Monty Python movies and being able to recite them from memory, or actually owning your very own personal copy of a Monty Python screenplay???

-dave

[Elgin Clock]

Originally Posted by dlavery

OK, so which is more geeky - knowing several scenes from multiple Monty Python movies and being able to recite them from memory, or actually owning your very own personal copy of a Monty Python screenplay???

-dave

Or... maybe, just maybe, it is more geeky spending time typing the scene out on a computer of said screenplay.
Brian has my vote for Uber-Geek of the year here on CD.



*cough* holy grail was one of the worst movies I ever saw *cough*
That attack bunny barely made it worth watching.