Jokes

[Andy A.]

Tools and Their Uses...
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@# TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@#" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

-Andy A.

[DaveA412]

a blonde walks into a bar and says ouch

[artdutra04]

It was raining cats and dogs this morning. On my way to school I stepped in a poodle.

[Taylor]

Do you know why they make dumb blonde jokes so short?

So the redheads can remember them & so the brunettes get them.

[Morgan Gillespie]

Sorry but this has to be the most corny
"Did you hear about the farmers cow that wouldnt produce milk?"
"He was udderly disapointed"

[EricH]

Originally Posted by Mercury Rising

Sorry but this has to be the most corny
"Did you hear about the farmers cow that wouldnt produce milk?"
"He was udderly disapointed"

I don't know about that...try this one:
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?
--Too many ears.

[thatphotochick]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die in the rain.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

New Yorker:
Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Philadelphian:
Cluck you!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Hillary Clinton:
That's MY chicken.

Melanie Griffith:
Don't lie about your chicken. Defy it.

Dan Quayle:
Chikken, did sumone saye chikken?

Jack Nicholson:
You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road. You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF!

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?!

[vic burg]

I have a feeling this one will raise questions but it still works....

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those whom understand binary and those whom don't.

[Morgan Gillespie]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because frogs became and endangered species.
(Frogger heh)

[Branden Ghena]

There are really 3 types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

[Branden Ghena]

3 girls were being chased by a blonde cop and his partner. The girls hid in sacks, and the cops
decided to check the sacks before moving on. When the blond cop kicked the first one, he heard, "meow, meow."
"Its OK," he said to his partner, "this sack has a cat in it." When he kicked the second one, he heard, "woof, woof."
"Its good too," he said to his partner, "this sack has a dog in it."
When the cop kicked the last one, he heard, "potato, potato."
"Its good too," he said to his partner, "this sack is filled with potatoes."

[Branden Ghena]

Yo momma's so fat she sweats crisco!

[sciencenerd]

Originally Posted by vic burg

I have a feeling this one will raise questions but it still works....

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those whom understand binary and those whom don't.

I think you may have underestimated the kind of people who hang out on this forum.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you must be Matthew -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of h*** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks a little haughtily, "So, how's it going down there in h***?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? There must have been a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God answered, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Wayne Doenges]

Research scientist have started using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments for two reasons.
One, they don't become emotionally attached to the lawyers and two, there are some things even a rat won't do.

If a turtle looses it shell, is it naked or homeless?

Three robots drive into a bar. The forth one had a better driver.

A brunette and a blond bought a cattle ranch. They had just $500.00 to buy a bull. The brunette goes to Texas and finds a bull for $499.00. She goes to the Western Union to telegraph the blond to bring the trailer. The operator says it is $1.00 per word. The brunette thinks for a moment and has the operator send the word 'comfortable'. The operator gives her a puzzled look and ask why 'comfortable'. The brunette says "my blond friend will read it as "Come for the bull".

[irishninja]

Originally Posted by Wayne Doenges

If a turtle looses it shell, is it naked or homeless?

Actually its dead.

And everybody knows that there are 11 types of people in this world. Those who can count in binary, those who can't, and those who know this joke should go there are 10 types of people in this world.

What do you do when a blond in the army throws a pin at you?
Duck for cover.

How do you get down from a elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.

So theres a blind man who walks into a bar and he says after a couple of drinks, "ANybody want to hear a blond joke?"
The lady next to him says "Sir. You are blind, so you have a right to now. I'm blond, the bartender is blond, the lady behind you is blond and is a professional weight lifter, the woman on your right is blond and shes an olympic wrestler. I am in shape, and the bartender looks like shes been through the mill. Do you really want to tell the joke?"
The blind man thinks for a minute and says "No. I wouldn't want to have to explain four times."