Misc. Hilarious Quotes

[SlamminSammy]

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -Albert Einstein

[Manoel]

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."

[Chubtoad]

Tooo many great Douglas Adams quotes

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

"`My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'"

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles about the surface of an alien planet.

And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more."

Now if those quotes dont' make those of you who haven't read The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy read it, and its sequels, then nothign ever will. These books are HILARIOUS READ THEM!!!!

[FotoPlasma]

Two Douglas Adams quotes that I will never forget:

Arthur Dent: "What's going through hyperspace like?"

Ford Prefect: "It's like being badly drunk."

AD: "What's so bad about being drunk?"

FP: "Ask a glass of water."

and

Slartibartfast: "Do hurry, or else you shall be late."

Arthur Dent: "Late? Late for what?"

S: "Late, as in 'The Late Arthur Dent'. I told you I wasn't any good at making threats."

This is not to mention Zaphod, Marvin, or any of the other hilarious characters in the series. If you haven't read these books, though it seems many of us have, you should.

[Mike Schroeder]

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."
WC Fields.

These are pretty funny. The 1st one is so true, the 2nd one is just funny

[Greg Perkins]

"Look at the screw from the nuts' prespective!"
Chris Carnevale, NHS member 2000-02


"...Whatever i say, is stupid!"
Dave Price, NHS Coach 2000-01

"I am gonna get down and dirty with my hoe"
Tim Allen, Home Improvement


Badjokeguy

[rbayer]

Deism is like a football punt.
--My AP European history teacher.

42.
--Douglas Adams

In this class, there are no answers. It is your job to make stuff up.
--My current English teacher.

I am the last person that will ever love you.
--A TechEd teacher at my school talking to a group of seniors about going to college

Estoy embarazada.
--Countless people in my Spanish class who think they're saying that they are embarassed. It actually means pregnant.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, is about as welcome as a Microsoft licensing amendment.
--The BOFH

Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut?
--Phil Hughes on Open Source Software

[DanL]

"Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes -- children, puppies -- it doesn't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?"

"Then why does God give us anything to start with?"

"Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop, then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power."

-Chef on Kenny's Terminal Disease

[DanL]

You ever wondered where Altavista got the name "Babelfish" from? Yep, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Found this one online - pretty long, but worth the read =)

The Babel fish is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish.

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.

The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith and without faith I am nothing.'

'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. q.e.d.'

'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

'Oh, that was easy,' says Man and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid from making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book Well That About Wraps It Up For God.

Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.

[FotoPlasma]

Originally posted by rbayer
Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut?
--Phil Hughes on Open Source Software

Aurora Sparc was handing out bumper stickers with that statement on them, at Linux World, this year... I got a good handful.

They also had "Convicts should make license plates, not computer software." bumper stickers.

[Amber H.]

"Oh yeah? Well, my mother's an ex-postal employee....Be afraid!"

From: Me!

[MBiddy]

Are you threatening me with anthrax?

[Jack]

"If you make an idiot-proof machine, someone will make a better idiot"

[Amber H.]

Originally posted by MBiddy
Are you threatening me with anthrax?

Nah...Just random insane voilence. are you familiar with the term "Going Postal" ?

It just means that I know a possibly insane woman, and I'm not afraid to use her.

[MBiddy]

Are you threatening me with possibly insane women?