Best Joke Ever

[George A.]

Here's a few jokes I heard from a friend:

There is this bar on top of a huge skyscraper, and two guys are sitting at it getting wasted. On guy grabs a bottle and reads the bottle, it reads "Magical Beer: Recieve the Power to fly!" The guy shakes his head in disgust and takes a swig. All of a sudden he starts to rise off of the bar stool. The guy next to him stares in disbelief. He stands and exclaims "I want to fly!" The guy in the air says "Here take a drink of this and jump out the window." The guy takes a swig, leaps out of the window and falls to his doom. The guy settles back down onto his stool and the bartender exclaims "Jeez Superman you can be a real jerk when your drunk."

HERE'S ANOTHER JOKE I HEARD THAT TURNED INTO MY MOTTO:
I'm so ugly they wanted to make me the poster boy for birth control!!!

FINALLY HERE'S A JOKE THAT I SAW ONLINE, ALTHOUGH IT IS RATHER OUT THERE.

A mathamatician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife. "Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year old office assistant. Please understand my actions.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it read "Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy. And being the matimatician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time then 65 into 18. Please don't wait up."

[srjjs]

The limit of (sin x)/n as n goes to infinity is six.
Just cancel out the n's in the numerator and denominator!

Pope has settled the continuum hypothesis!
He has declared that cardinals above 80 have no powers.

Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.

I call my dog "Cauchy."
He leaves a residue at every pole!

What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Goldbach's conjecture -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about Goldbach's conjecture and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

[John Bono]

A little borderline, but me and FAKrogoth found it hilarious, first seeing it on our Calc teacher's white board, written by another friend of ours:
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to use Google and he'll have all the porn he could ever ask for... or something like that.

[Matt Attallah]

"Honda"

Hahahahahaha! That's the biggest joke on here!

[DanL]

Since cheap silly calc puns seem to be all the rage here, I think I'll join in!

"Don't Drink and Derive!"

This coming from a calc teacher at my school whose license plate reads "dydx" ;-)

[BigJohn]

How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?

Knock on the door

-----------------------------

I am not hating on blonds!

[Kiwi_queen]

here's one for Mr. C!

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".
The mushroom walks into another bar and asks the bartender for a drink. This one just says "No". The mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" (fun guy)

ok another one.

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o'clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who's threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy's gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says "Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o'clock news"
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says "No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o'clock news too. I just didn't think he'd do it again!"

~and there's plenty more where that came from! ;o)

[srjjs]

Originally posted by Kiwi_queen
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o'clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who's threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy's gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says "Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o'clock news"
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says "No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o'clock news too. I just didn't think he'd do it again!"

I liked that better when the blonde was a statistician.

[utishpenguin]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

[John Bono]

Best. Puns. Ever.

[utishpenguin]

thank you thank you.... haha

[FAKrogoth]

I vote this person as the coolest penguin since Pen-Pen!

[John Bono]

Easy, there, FAK. This one's not going to be at Phoenix regionals.

[utishpenguin]

Originally posted by John Bono
Easy, there, FAK. This one's not going to be at Phoenix regionals.

wait? what is happening?

[Mark Hamilton]

I couldnt remember these two well enough so I hade to look them up on the internet but here goes:
"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are placed in a room across from a beautiful girl and are told that every 10 seconds a bell will ring, and that each time it rings they may advance half the distance to the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh at this, and when the bell rings only the engineer advances toward the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh and scoff at the engineer's foolishness, and after the bell has rung a few more times finally call to him, "Don't you know you'll never get there."

"I know," replied the engineer, "but very soon I'll be so close as to make no difference.""

"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are spending the night in a hotel room. During the night the wastebasket catches on fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire again. This time the scientist wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire once again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, shouts, "Aha! A solution exists," and goes back to sleep."