Archimedes Assault

[Travis Hoffman]

Coming soon to a Chief Delphi thread near you.....

It wasn't a dream..... The John V Neun Collective is BACK! And this time, they're BALD.

[Travis Hoffman]

Well Archimedes is about to double up on stories. Thanks to Pat Fairbank for getting the ball rolling in this division! Special Thanks to Karthik for his 2005 Championship spreadsheet - the source of all my team nicknames (so if they're wrong, blame him! :-P).


Joe Shlabotnik is BACK! Yes folks, the man who brought you last year's Newton Story (which you must read if the following is to make any sense at all) is back again, this time to rock Archimedes! Here we go....


Archimedes Assault


By Joe Shlabotnik, Mild-Mannered-Mired-in-Mexico Reporter, R.O.B.O.T.I.C.S. (107) Monthly Magazine


April 30, 2005


It WASN'T a dream. You know that part where I woke up and realized it was all a nightmare? Well that WAS my dream. The rest was REAL. The Juggernauts (1) were REAL. And they DID arrive in Atlanta as I forewarned. What happened? The Aftershock[s] (263) are still reverberating throughout the city and all of FIRST.


Well, it turns out that Paul Morrison, Delphi E.L.I.T.E.’s (48) robot driver, and Trigos, leader of the valiant band of Northeast Ohio superheroes who attempted to thwart the advance of each and every robot Juggernaut (1394) of the JVN Collective, were the only two people other than me who survived the Warren Massacre. Paul promptly wussed out and went to France for the remainder of this story, leaving Trigos as the only one left who could warn the FIRST’ers in Atlanta of the robotic Monsters (308) that were bearing down upon the city. In a blind RAGE (173) following his defeat and recognizing the Perpetual Chaos (931) each Juggernaut (1394) would bring to the people at the Championship, Trigos called up his buddy Gus (228) Watson (957). They got into their identical Mitsubishi Lightning Lancers (1444) and RUSH[ed] (27) away toward Atlanta.


On the way to Atlanta, Trigos and Gus stopped in Memphis, Tennessee to watch the Cleveland Cavaliers (1370) play the Grizzlies. They sat next to a group of kids from Automotive High School (1211) and Englewood High School (1497), who all thought Trigos looked funny in his neon green spandex leotard. As far as the game, the Cavaliers, being the big chokers that they are, were soundly defeated, which put Trigos into an even fouler mood and lit a FIRE (322) under him to go kick some JVN booty. The Juggernauts were in for the battle to end all battles, which would soon take place on the Archimedes field.


Trigos and Gus arrived at the Georgia Dome and soon found themselves knee-deep in a sea of Entropy (138). It was complete and utter bedlam, as teams had already heard of the coming of the robots of the JVN Collective. They heard how robots on teams with the word “Robotics” tacked onto the end of their team name would have less of a unique identity and would be more likely to be assimilated by the Collective (because the writer of this story likes to simultaneously cop out big time and also pick on such teams by listing them all at once). Totally freaked out by this, the kids from Timberlane Robotics (350), Chantilly Robotics (612), CRyptonite Robotics (624), Rocky Mountain Robotics (662), Cutting Edge Robotics (845), Dublin Robotics (1014), River City Robotics (1094), Madison Robotics (1266), and Platinum Dragon Robotics (1345) were screaming and running around wildly, trying to dream up even goofier names for their team and robot (ones that are easier to incorporate into quirky stories such as this one ), so they would be less susceptible to an attack from the JVN horde. But how did everyone learn of the Juggernauts’ impending arrival? Apparently, some dude named Max (1071), the lead singer of a kickin’ band called The Cast Aways (803), was traveling on a jet plane through the Warren area when he spied a bunch of shiny moving objects on the ground. Apparently, robots who are sucked into the JVN Collective all gain a smooth, oversized rounded surface on top of their frames upon entry into the group. Much like the blindingly-bright sunlight reflecting off the massive bald head of a newly-shaven upstate New York FIRST mentor, it was the reflected sunlight off of these metallic robot domes that Max spied from 30,000 feet in the air. Max saw the carnage below, he knew that human lives were at stake, and he knew he had to do something. Using the scientific knowledge he gained pursuing an Associate’s Degree in Electronics from the Science Skills Center (335) of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, Max quickly fabricated a human teleportation device out of a couple Atom Smashers (1180), some TechnoNuts (155), a few Burning Magnetos (342) thrown in for good measure, and, of course, some Zip Ties and Electrical Tape (997). He then transported himself to Atlanta and immediately warned the Championship participants about the Juggernauts. Trigos and Gus arrived shortly after Max delivered his riot-inducing message.


“Dude, who is that hot Indian chick over there in the plaid dress?” Max asked Trigos and Gus upon their arrival.


“Oh that’s Karthik Kanagasabapathy, the former Prime Minister of Canada,” Trigos explained. “He quit his government job to live out his dream as a kilt model/pop singer.”


[Karthik kicks into some bad singing] “I believe in the Children of the Future (359). Teach them well and let them lead the way. Blah blah blah……….THE GREATEST LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IS EASY TO ACHIEEEEEEEEEEVE. LEARNING TO LOOOOOOVE YOURSELF [not a problem in Karthik’s case] IS THE GREEEEATEST LOOOOOOOOVE OF ALLLLLLLLL………..”


The trio, upon hearing Karthik’s butchering of a Whitney Houston classic, approached the K-man. “Hey, Whitney, who’s that dude in red leather, fishnets, and stilettos over there? Is he your bodyguard?”


“Yes, that’s, uhhhhhhhh, let’s call him Da…….le. He’s my big, strong Huskie (65) bodyguard. He protects me from meanies and weirdos like that actor Warren Beatty (71). Warren used to be my friend, but now, he just creeps me out. That’s why I have Dale, to keep all the stalker freaks away from me!”


“Uh, that is one Hokie [lookin’] Guard (401),” Gus quipped.


“Karthik, I Think Pink (233) would look good on you!” Dale said for no apparent reason.


"Uh, I think we’ll be going now,” Trigos said uncomfortably as he walked away with Gus and Max in tow.


Shortly after leaving Karthik and Dale, Max’s phone rang. “Darnit, Who’s CTEKS[ting] (716) me now? Oh, it’s the Tornado Alley Cats (476) The Krusaders (1138) and the AdamBots (245). All those bands wanted to jam with me and Dean Simmons and the Kamens at Hooters after the Championship Event ended. Guess that ain’t happening.”


Now here’s where the story REALLY starts getting weird. Upon walking over to Archimedes Field, the intrepid trio met a group of kids sitting under the center goal playing Magic – The Gathering.


“What are you doing? Don’t you know the Juggernauts are coming?” Trigos belligerently bellowed at them.


“Uh, shyea, that’s why we’re playing Magic. We’re trying to summon the almighty power of the NASA Knights (122), Cyber Warriors (371), Techno Knights (515), Red Dragons (527), MechWarriors (573), RoboVikes (701), and the RoboWizards (1508) to come and help us.


“You foolish geeks!” Trigos yelled. “We’ve asked everyone to help us and tried everything to stop the JVN Collective from destroying FIRST. Having adapted Max’s teleporter to travel through time, we’ve asked Rocketeers (20) from the future and Pioneers (40) from the past [and heck, even Pioneers (1676) from the future!]. We’ve gone to the local insane asylum recruiting the services of the Rhodes Maniacs (274), the Mechatronic Maniacs (1027), and the Tech-no-maniacs (1286). We pulled Swamp Thing (179) out of the Florida muck to help us – no luck! We’ve tried chucking live animals at them - Leopards (57), Bobcats (128), X-Cats (191), a Cat Attack (451), Ma Bears (766) [seriously, they really were MY BEARS! I kidnapped them from a zoo], the Rat Pack (830), and Blue Falcons (1597). We contracted out to the Midnight Mechanics (812) and the Bendr-bots (896) to build us the most complex weaponry using the latest technologies known to mankind. We’ve even gone so far to combine hi-tech weaponry and animals – YES! Animals with fricking laser beams on their heads! RoboDawgs (288), RoboStangs (548), even more RoboDogs (435) because we really like throwing puppies, Lionics (1230), RoboKatz (1653), Tech Tigers (1251), and because endangering endangered animals is what we do best, EVEN MORE Bionic Tigers (1592). We catapulted them all at the Juggernaut robots – not even one scratch! There’s nothing you can do! We are dooooooomed!!!!!!”


“Geez, Trigos, where’s your competitive spirit, you wuss? Where’s your Gracious Professionalism?” Gus asked. “The Trigos I KNOW would not sit here idly and watch the great program he has sworn to protect be torn to bits by a bunch of ugly bald robots! Wake up, man!!!!!”


“Dude, you’re right! There IS one thing we haven’t tried!” But before Trigos was allowed to explain further, a massive “KRRRRRRRRUNCH!!!!” (79) reverberated throughout the Georgia Dome. The Juggernauts had arrived. Never before had so many fearsome and awe-inspiring robots gathered together on a single field, but yet, here they were on Archimedes. Charging their way to the center of the field, the JVN Collective knocked a brand new, overpriced Mac computer off the scorer’s table, creating a NEW Apple Corps[e] (93) on the floor. Somewhere, a Mac-owning lamer sheds a tear. Somewhere, Bill Gates is laughing maniacally. Did I mention that all JVN Collective robots are Windows-powered? Anyway……………….


“The Jag-tron’x!!!! (588)” Trigos screamed.


“What the heck are you talking about? The Jag-a-ma-huh?” Max asked, bewildered.


Trigos pulled a featureless metallic ball out of his pocket. “It’s the thing that’s going to save FIRST! Now Where’s Waldo (1547)?”


“Who the heck is Waldo?” Max asked, thankfully helping along the plot of this pointless story.


“I said, ‘WHERE’S WALDO’ (1641) [yes, there’s two of them]????????????????? He’s the only one who knows the password to unleash the power of the Jag-tron’x!!!!!!!!!”


“Well ain’t he just freakin’ special!” Max angrily retorted.


“Shut up, you talentless hack twit of a rock star!” Gus exclaimed. “Waldo’s in the bathroom right now, but he told me the password just in case. Trigos, you gonna do the ThunderChickens (217) thing like last time? It’ll help.”


“That is, like, sooooooooooo 2004,” Trigos replied. “I’ve got something new this time……stand back!” With that, Trigos pulled out his sword and prepared to recite the much cooler phrase,


“Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERBOTS (980) ……………HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”


Extreme Voltage (386) shot out from his sword, electrifying the air. All that remained was for Gus to recite the password that would unlock the Jag-tron’x and end the Juggernaut threat, once and for all……


“Loyola (296) Crayola Toyota Crapola!!!! Phi Pi Pho Phun (1517) Epsilon Delta (116)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


As soon as the last syllable lept from Gus’s tongue, a blinding flash of light exploded from the Jag-tron’x. The light washed over the robots of the JVN Collective, stopping them in their tracks. Only after the light faded a few moments later was the power of the Jag-tron’x revealed. It truly was a shocking sight – the energy from the orb had turned every Juggernaut robot into a Simbotics (1114) clone – instantaneously expanding the NiagaraFIRST alliance from three robots into 300!


“Muahahahaha, this is going to make one heck of a Chairman’s Award presentation!” Karthik muahahahaha’d from the corner of the field. “Dale, this pink plaid kilt is giving me fits – come button me up!”


“Holy snot! 300 identical Canadian robots – we were better under that JVN guy! At least he only forced that KitBot frame upon everyone, and not the whole blasted robot!” Trigos muttered as walked out of the Georgia Dome. But FIRST had indeed been saved, for both the Jag-tron’x and NiagaraFIRST were surrounded by the Light Side of the Force, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Karthik and Dale, who were abducted by a bunch of Martians (494) upset over those Mars rover pests that were STILL powered up and leaving tracks all over their formerly pristine Martian landscape. THE END.

Disclaimerz: JVN rocks, the KitBot frame is cool, and NiagaraFIRST is a wonderful institution. I love kittens and puppies and wouldn't dream of attaching robotic appendages to them, nor would I throw them at robots. Paco did indeed go to France and miss 1.8 competitions this year, but he's my buddy and I understand he couldn't pass up such a great opportunity, so it's all good. Da.........le, just blame Heidi and Billfred for this one like all the others - they were my source of inspiration. Karthik - you're the best, and the best deserve the best public ridicule Chief Delphi has to offer. Thanks for being a great mentor and a great sport! Best of luck to all the teams in Archimedes and the Championship Event in general. Have fun! See you in Atlanta! Let's rock!

[mtaman02]

Another Awesome Job;


Rep Point for Archimedes Second Divisional Story =)

you can find your story in the new thread Nationals - Divisional Stories 2005

[Silent_Stryker]

i noticed we're always the bad guy in these stories... awesome!!!

[Sean Schuff]

I was wondering how you would fit our name into the story. Ours is not a very technological name but it describes who we are very well.

Well done Tom!!

See you all on Archimedes in Atlanta!!

Sean