FAHA: FIRST causing marital problems

[Bharat Nain]

OK guys, this is a very sensitive and serious issue. Marital problems are one of the worst problems in America and the last thing we want is for it to affect FIRST teams. Please read this FIRST-A-Holic's concern and give your mature responses. Please make sure you think through your response before posting.
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In FIRST, everyone drops what they are doing to work with a group of people for 6 weeks. Much time is spent together, there are many nights of getting home late and spending all of one's free time on the project. This provides opportunities for friendships to be formed, and the team to become close to one another. But what happens if we become too close?

I am writing on behalf of a student stuck in a very serious situation. Many parents and mentors work together to help be positive role models for students, but what should I team do in a situation where two adults married to other people start becoming too close? Although a father of a student on a team and a female engineer are both spending their free time as volunteers to help teach principles of engineering in their volunteer time, they have noticeably begun to spend too much time together. This has resulted in damaging the student's home life; the parent's relationship, as well as the relationship the student has with the parents. It also took a mentor that the student once admired, and has turned it into something one would never aspire to be. The two adults also spend a significant amount of time together at the competitions. It ruined the regionals the student attended and the championship event that one had looked forward to for multiple years. Unfortunately it is not just the one student that is aware of the situation. Others high school inquiring minds have been asking the student what exactly is going on between their mentors.

There are many problems built into this thread.
1. What should the student do, encouraging words would be helpful
2. Advice for the mentors involved as discussed
3. Advice for the spouses of the mentors involved

But most importantly
4. If you were a (separate uninvolved) mentor on this team aware of this situation, how would you handle it?

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FIRST-a-holic Anonymous mailbox is a place to share your concern and frustration about your FIRST experience anonymously. It is the perfect place if you just want someone to listen, or ask for advice when you don’t know what to do. Submit your letters today at the FIRST-a-holic anonymous mailbox forum. If you wish to respond to this thread anonymously, please PM Beth or Bharat with your response and thread title.
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[Kyle]

I know this is a very sensitive topic and requires a lengthy response but I am on my way to work and I have something quick to say.

FIRST is not a dating service! If the mentors are spending to much time together then the team leaders need to sit them down and speak to them away from the students and explain what the rest of the team is noticing and the effect it is having.

To the student: Whatever is happing it is not your fault in any way shape or form sometimes adults make mistakes, yes even engineers, in life and need to be helped back onto the right path. But remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


More when I get to work

[Al Skierkiewicz]

When interpersonal relationships affect the team then something must be done. I would encourage the student to ask for a private meeting with one of the other adult mentors on the team. Explain to them the situation and how students are being affected by the appearance of a closer relationship. Allow the other adults on the team to work out a solution. It may be just a perception of something more than co-mentor/worker, but they need to be made aware that no matter what is really transpiring, the students are the reason we are here. Everything we do and every decision we make must keep the students in mind. It has been my experience that people sometimes have no idea that their innocent interactions look far more personal (to others) than they actually are. Just making them aware that students are uncomfortable may cause them to modify their behavior.
On the off chance that these two adults are the only adults on the team, then you should be able to approach a teacher or school administrator.

[rees2001]

This is a tricky one.

As the program leader I would want to know what is going on. I know it is an uncomfortable situation but things like this cannot be overlooked. Something like this will not just go away on it's own. It will cause issues for years to come.

My first suggestion is to the student, talk with the team leader or possibly another trusted mentor. Ask for help. This will be a hard thing to do, but you will grow from the experience. Ask them to at least talk with the parent & mentor.

If I were approached about a situation similar to this I would .... think long and hard about how this can be resolved with the student's best interest coming first. I would remind the adults that we are trying to set the example for the students. I would not ask them what is going on I would just let them know what is being perceived by both the other adults and the students. I would let them know how these perceived actions are effecting certain people on the team. I would also let them know how other teams are looking at our program because of their actions.

From there I would ask them to keep their personal behaviors personal. If it continued to be a problem, someone will have to leave.

The last part is to convince the student that is is not his/her fault. He/she did nothing wrong and that I am proud of him/her for coming to me. If the student wasn't able to come to me & I found out from someone else I would go to the student & let them know that I am here to help. Even if it is just to listen or talk to.

Best of luck with this one.

[JaneYoung]

The adult team leader should call a meeting with the two people involved. If the adult lead is one of those two, another lead mentor should step forward to call the meeting. There should be one more adult there, as well. Depending on the team mentors, it could be a mentor meeting but no less than 2 – with one as lead. No students. The meeting should be carefully planned in order to address the concerns involved and implement changes, if needed.

It would be a priority for the meeting to be handled professionally and calmly, stating what has been stated here. The concerns and team expectations should be outlined. It is never good to consider rumor as fact. The two adults can be told that their professional relationship is being questioned and they are impacting the team in a negative way. Rumors can damage reputations of the people involved as well as the team and all of those that the team affiliates itself with. This meeting would eliminate the rumors.

There should never be a reason to doubt the professional attitude and conduct of the adults that are part of a FIRST team. The adults should make sure there are standards and rules in place to protect the reputation of the team and its partners. If there isn’t a system in place now, one should be created. Conduct and professional attitude are very important aspects of the team and should be respected, maintained, and role modeled by mentors and parents.

Edit: I don't want to edit my post like I normally do since this is a moderated discussion. I made the statement above that the meeting proposed would eliminate rumors. Sadly, rumors can never be eliminated once started but the meeting would address the concerns and hopefully stop any rumors and their spread.

[EricH]

I'm going to answer #4 first, because, as noted, it is the most important. Dealt with correctly, it may make the other 3 much easier.

If I were another mentor, I would probably ask the team leader to have one or the other take a year off. Here's why:

• Having the mentors on the team at the same time seems to have started causing problems in the family of the student. How long before the problems spread to the team?
• Others are aware. This may mean that the above-mentioned problems are already spreading. You really don't want that.
• By taking a year off, that mentor can become closer to his/her family, thus helping the home situation.
• Again, taking a year off will allow the other mentor to also draw closer to family.
• If the mentors are both closest to family, then the problems should stop.
• If they really want to be together (thus continuing the family problem), the above step won't prevent that, but it'll keep them from disrupting team activities unintentionally.

#2: I would advise the mentors to look at their families. Do they want them to go through this? I would also suggest that one or both take a year off the team, for the reasons above.

#1: It's not your fault. You need to stay close to your family. Do everything you can to help them through this.

#3: I might suggest getting involved with the team. If that is not possible (small children, time, etc.), then be there for the students. FIRST is a high-stress environment. They need the family support. Especially with the described situation, the students need parental support.

[Mr MOE]

This one is VERY tricky.

Some good advice shared so far.

FIRST teams are made up of people, fallible and human. We cannot control relationships that develop, and in fact have created environments with FIRST teams and the six-week build, which are set-up for close, on-going interactions between people. I'm sure we all would like to have everyone on our teams "get along." When striving for this goal, there is a very possible tendency that some individuals involved will end up "getting along" in more ways than just as team members.

SUGGESTION #1 - teams need to realize the potential for romantic relationships to occur and be prepared to deal with them. One way to do this is to make team members aware what is acceptable and not acceptable. I suggest you have each team member sign a contract agreeing that they agree to whatever terms the team leadership deems appropriate. Consequences for not obeying the terms need also be spelled out very clearly. Individuals need to know what happens if they do not follow the rules.

SUGGESTION #2 - All team members (mentors and students) need to be included in the implementation of suggestion #1.

SUGGESTION #3 - The team leadership should have a process defined for how they handle situations like the one described here. You cannot define all the various permutations of this situation, but a general process how people issues will be handled, who will handle them, and how it is done, is important to have.

SUGGESTION #4 - Perceptions can be deadly. Also realize that perceptions are subjective and not necessarily based on truth. Just because something is "perceived" to be happening, doesn't mean it really is. However, regardless of what is really going on, the situation can still be very damaging to the team and to individual members on the team.

Having team leadership be prepared to conduct interviews where necessary to get a better handle on the truth (if they can) and to make the key players aware of what the perception is and it's effects on the team. Any decent mentor would not want personal perceptions about their behavior to damage the team.

Realize that there are times when tough decisions will need to be made by team leaders which might not be popular. If this happens, I would hope that they are based on a "what is right for the students on the team?" assessment.

There are no easy answers here.

I cannot simply state that the individuals in this scenario should be removed from the team. Nor can I state that they should remain on the team. There are so many nuances to each situation that the answer is usually not black and white. It is hoped that team leaders can objectively work through these situations in a logical way with the program mission and vision as a guiding force throughout.

[David Noll]

This is from a student's perspective so I don't have much of the wisdom others do. But I have actually dealt with this in another program, Boy Scouts can be an odd place...
Regardless, it is sad when this happens in a family in general. But, assuming you are aware of the situation, I think it is the responsibility of the child who's father it is to talk with him about the situation. From the other end, it would be less wise for said child to speak with the engineer; instead, if knowledge of the relationship is rampant, ask a few of your/his better friends to talk to that mentor about the situation. The group will want to focus on the damage it does to the program and the unprofessional attitude it forces on the students and fellow adults. The students himself will want to talk on a personal level about the problems.

2)To the mentors involved... We don't know your reasoning or your feelings but you need to weigh the affects of your actions. You must make a choice, if robotics is more important then what ever else you are doing, then that must be the reason for your involvement. If you value other things, then show the students and peers in the program the respect to be able to step back and fix/work out your situations.

4) You have a responsibility here to do what is in the best interest of your team and your students. You cannot run a FIRST team in a situation that is unfair for certain members of your body and certainly not if other mentors are putting themselves in compromising situations. You need to talk with these two, together, and find out what the problem is and what can be done to make the team a happy family again.

My other experience with this didn't end well because no one addressed the issue. The schism caused by the situation ended the group and left the small remaining body untrained and unable to do what was once done. I don't say this to scare you, but it is a bad situation which needs to be dealt with. Good luck, and if this was helpful please feel free to talk to me for more specifics...

[Bharat Nain]

The original poster would like to say the following.
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I discussed the threads with the student, and she appreciates the many replies and all of the help.

It is important to note that she has already had many conversations with her dad on this subject. It would be irresponsible to start a thread this serious if the situation were based solely on hearsay. The student mentioned that rumors have yet begun to plague the team, and many are most likely completely unaware of the situation. Some students have indeed inquired about it, and it does have the potential escalate. She also wanted everyone to know that FIRST is still the best thing to have happened in her life and she still loves her team as a whole. She enjoys the culture and environment shared among the participants at FIRST events, and still feels she has been inspired.

For every negative story told within FIRST, there are hundreds of positive ones. I am grateful to FAHA for having a place to discuss concerns such as this, and to the chiefdelphi community for being willing to help in dire times. I believe it is important for others to share similar situations, how it was dealt with, or how they feel the situation should have been dealt with in hindsight. This provides warnings to be prepared of problems that would seem to be unthinkable.

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FIRST-a-holic Anonymous mailbox is a place to share your concern and frustration about your FIRST experience anonymously. It is the perfect place if you just want someone to listen, or ask for advice when you don’t know what to do. Submit your letters today at the FIRST-a-holic anonymous mailbox forum. If you wish to respond to this thread anonymously, please PM Beth or Bharat with your response and thread title.
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[Alan Anderson]

...they have noticeably begun to spend too much time together.

School rules address this behavior between students. I'd start by expanding the rules and consequences to the adult mentors as well. Such consequences range from being banned from traveling with the team all the way to expulsion.

Make the rules clear. Make the consequences clear. Give the situation a chance to become less of a perceived problem. If that doesn't fix it, kick the offending mentors off the team without further ceremony.

Anything outside the context of the team is outside my comfort zone for giving advice.

[vigkvagkv2]

Originally Posted by Alan Anderson

School rules address this behavior between students. I'd start by expanding the rules and consequences to the adult mentors as well. Such consequences range from being banned from traveling with the team all the way to expulsion.

I know this is an old thread, but I think this is really important for me to say.

Last year my mom got married after being divorced for many years. She and my step-dad met during the robotics build season. He was the dad to the fabrication lead, who is now in college. Even though I would never want to stop any happiness my mom might find, it made the situation very awkward between me and the fab lead. We could barely look each other in the eye. On top of it, jokes were made at our expense during the season. However, I knew my mom deserved to finally be happy again after such a long time, and so I never said a word about it. Even if something seems awkward, it may have the potential to be a great gain.

Unfortunately for this student, this started to happen between two already married adults, and I hope nothing bad came from it. I just want to say that even if two adult mentors seem to get close to each other, we shouldn't tell them they can't. This might be the only chance for two people to start a great relationship. As relationships between students grow, they have a possibility to be a very dangerous thing as many times students are not mature enough to be in a relationship with somebody that they have to act professionally with. However, I believe adults have the maturity needed to not take things too far during the times we are supposed to be professional. We just need to be sure to set a boundary that still allows for these feelings to grow but not too lax to make it awkward for students like me.