*Originally posted by FotoPlasma *
**I would have said the same thing about our robot, but there was a requirement that it had to be a clean joke. Our robot’s nowhere near clean…Oh. My hair. A horrible horrible joke. **
boys locker room… another palce isn’t that clean …ugh it smells :yikes:
Grr… couldn’t find it online, so I have to type it all out.
A long time ago, in a small Chinese village, three Monks, presumably banished from thier monastery, showed up. To make ends meet, they went into the plant business.
It was the week of their grand opening, when a father was pushing his baby’s stroller down an aisle. He took his eyes off her for just a minute, and when he returned his attention, she was gone–and was never found again.
A town meeting was called, where a few rather angry friends of the baby’s family denounced the friars. Everyone mumbled with a slight agreement to this fact (well, except for Hugh–but he was a quiet guy), but there wasn’t enough anger in the town for such a harsh punishment. They had invested a large amount of money into thier business, after all.
The next week, a mother was walking donw the aisle along side her son, who got distracted, and wandered off. The last thing she saw was a vine reaching out and pulling her child towards it. The young boy was never seen again.
The town was enraged now, as this was the second incident of a missing child. Over half the town called for the Friars to be banished–and the rest called for heavy punishment (well, except for Hugh, of course), but the firars refused to leave, explaining that they were not at fault for the missing children, and the mother of the boy must’ve been seeing things. They continued to practice thier trade…
One of the few remaining customers wandered down the aisles, her baby girl in her arms. Suddenly, a potted plant uprooted before her eyes, snatched the baby out of her arms, and swallowed it in one gulp.
The town was in an uproar–an almost unanimous agreement that they should be banished from the town. “Ha, you can’t make us leave!” one of the Friars replied.
Just then, Hugh stood from his chair at the back of the town square. “Leave,” he spoke quietly.
The friars immediately ran to thier shop, gathered whatever they could carry, and fled town.
The moral of this story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Runner up joke (my dad made this one up):
If you had a clone, and all he did was speak curse words…
and you pushed him off a building, would you be charged with murder, or just making an obscene clone fall?
I’ve got a few jokes that I’ve heard recently, i’m not saying there good… but, they made ME laugh:
There’s a big party one night, and all the functions are there. They’re all having a great time, singing and dancing and conversing with one another. One of the functions notices e^x sitting in the corner all by himself. The function shouts over “hey, e^x, come on, integrate yourself!” while pointing to the other group of functions. “What for?” asks e^x, “It makes no difference!”
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…”
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
“No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m positive!”
what do you do with a dead chemist?
barium
*Originally posted by John Bono *
**an obscene clone fall? **
bahahah … thats the best …
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens weren’t invented yet.
(That is courtesy of my 9 year old brother…)
*Originally posted by Harrison *
**Why did the dinosaur cross the road?Because chickens weren’t invented yet.
(That is courtesy of my 9 year old brother…) **
cute!
Courtesy of some contestant on Jeopardy:
So did you hear about the guy writing a book of poems in binary?
“No”
Oh, don’t worry, there wasn’t a single one in it.
Okay, so this one’s a bit borderline … 
There was this mother and her son, and the mother was having an affair. Her son, unbeknownst to her, would hide in the closet during these ‘interludes’. One day, the boy’s father came home from work early, and the mother shoved her lover into the closet, not knowing that her son was in that closet.
The boy says to the man, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yep” The boy says, “I have a baseball glove” The man, nervous that the woman’s husband will hear, says, “That’s great…shh!” The boy says, “Wanna buy it?” Eager to shut the boy up, the man says, “Sure, how much?” “$500” “Fine, just shut up!”
In about a week, the same situation happened. The boy said, “It’s dark in here” The man sighs and says, “Yep.” The boy says, “Wanna buy a baseball for $500?” “FINE! shut up, okay?”
In another week, the dad asks the boy if he wants to play catch, and the boy says that he sold his glove and ball. The dad asks how much he sold them for, and the son replies “$1000.” He exclaims, “How could you take advantage of people like that?? Go to the priest and confess this instant!!”
So the boy goes inside the booth, and says, “It’s dark in here!”
The priest says, “Darn it, don’t start that again!!”
lauren
http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/c0/lol.gif(Nice Joke, Lauren)
http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/k0/freak7.gifLook at that and don’t laugh!
Here’s a few jokes I heard from a friend:
There is this bar on top of a huge skyscraper, and two guys are sitting at it getting wasted. On guy grabs a bottle and reads the bottle, it reads “Magical Beer: Recieve the Power to fly!” The guy shakes his head in disgust and takes a swig. All of a sudden he starts to rise off of the bar stool. The guy next to him stares in disbelief. He stands and exclaims “I want to fly!” The guy in the air says “Here take a drink of this and jump out the window.” The guy takes a swig, leaps out of the window and falls to his doom. The guy settles back down onto his stool and the bartender exclaims “Jeez Superman you can be a real jerk when your drunk.”
HERE’S ANOTHER JOKE I HEARD THAT TURNED INTO MY MOTTO:
I’m so ugly they wanted to make me the poster boy for birth control!!!
FINALLY HERE’S A JOKE THAT I SAW ONLINE, ALTHOUGH IT IS RATHER OUT THERE.
A mathamatician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife. "Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year old office assistant. Please understand my actions.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it read “Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy. And being the matimatician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time then 65 into 18. Please don’t wait up.”
The limit of (sin x)/n as n goes to infinity is six.
Just cancel out the n’s in the numerator and denominator!
Pope has settled the continuum hypothesis!
He has declared that cardinals above 80 have no powers.
Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
I call my dog “Cauchy.”
He leaves a residue at every pole!
What’s the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Goldbach’s conjecture – but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he’d talk about Goldbach’s conjecture and then didn’t. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.
A little borderline, but me and FAKrogoth found it hilarious, first seeing it on our Calc teacher’s white board, written by another friend of ours:
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to use Google and he’ll have all the porn he could ever ask for… or something like that.
“Honda”
Hahahahahaha! That’s the biggest joke on here! http://smilies.sofrayt.com/1/a0/tease.gif
Since cheap silly calc puns seem to be all the rage here, I think I’ll join in!
“Don’t Drink and Derive!”
This coming from a calc teacher at my school whose license plate reads “dydx” 
How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?
Knock on the door 
I am not hating on blonds!
here’s one for Mr. C!
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
The mushroom walks into another bar and asks the bartender for a drink. This one just says “No”. The mushroom asks, “Why not? I’m a fungi!” (fun guy)
ok another one.
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o’clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who’s threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy’s gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says “Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o’clock news”
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says “No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o’clock news too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again!”
~and there’s plenty more where that came from! ;o)
*Originally posted by Kiwi_queen *
**A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar around 6 o’clock watching the television there. On comes the news with a report about a guy who’s threatening to jump off the top of a bridge. The brunette bets the blonde that the guy’s gonna jump and the blonde accepts. Not two seconds later, the guy jumps and so the blonde pays up.
The two continue drinking, but after a bit the brunette feels a bit wrong. She places the money in front of the blonde and says “Here, keep this. I must confess, I already saw this on the 4 o’clock news”
The blonde gives the money back to the brunette and says “No. You keep the money. I saw the 4 o’clock news too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again!”
**
I liked that better when the blonde was a statistician.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Best. Puns. Ever.
