Engineers...

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  1. Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” “The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” “Hi George! Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Und erstanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.” Just look at all the joints." Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Un derstanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he njoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” Both?" Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

2

HAH!, my favorite was the one about an arts degree, that was hilarious

3

I like 4 the best.

4

I guess, but the other one is still funny

5

I’m liking the last one about the frog. It sounds about like me. (But then again, why would a princess want me to kiss them? Is suffering that much really worth being human again? :D)

6

why don’t you post a poll? Besides these are funny.

7

poor evulish! I’m sure kissing you wouldn’t be suffering. a princess should be proud to be kissed by a Firster! Either way… i’d probably rather be a frog than a human… people have to deal with other people, frogs only have to deal with frogs… although they may turn out to be worse than people… oh the possibilities… perhaps i should ask kermit…

8

Whoa. Who is this guy with a talkin’ frog? I must have one!

9

Hillarious! I like them all. With a list like that, there appears to be more somewhere, post em’ if you got em’!

10

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
And whats on the other side?
Rainbows are visions but only illusions.
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they’re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it; the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered?
When wished on the morning star.
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing.
And what do we think we might see?
Someday well find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it’s probably magic.

Dot dot dot. Sorry…it’s late…and someone said ‘Kermit’ :slight_smile:
Hrm. For some reason, that song has never been cleared from my swap space…that’s all from memory.

11

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. “What do you think this is?”

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. “It is a toaster,” he said. The king asked, “How would you design an embedded computer for it?” The engineer replied, “Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I’ll show you a working prototype.”

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, “Toasters don’t just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don’t look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.”

“With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.”

“The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, ‘Cook yourself.’ The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.”

“Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don’t want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.” “We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won’t buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message ‘Booting UNIX v.8.3’ appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.” “Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!).”

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine…

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn’t come down. Minister cries out: “God knows I am innocent!” He’s pardonned.

Second condemned person is a lawyer. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn’t come down. Guy cries out: “A man cannot be exicuted twice!” He’s pardonned.

Third condemned is an engineer. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn’t come down. He looks up, points up, says, “I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here…”

all the boys and girls ina high school are arranged on opposite sides of a gym. this question is posed to a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer:

if the boys and the girls decrease the distance between them by 1/2 every 20 seconds, how long will it be until they meet?

the mathematician recognizes the rule of halves and says, “they will meet in an infinite amount of time.”

the physiciast says, “there’s no such thing as infinite time… they will never meet.”

the engineer says, “well, in about 5 minutes they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

12

The computer the computer scientist recommends using is kinda… old.

13

Yup, its old but you know some are still funny.

14

ROTFL

This is REALLY FUNNY.

ROTFL

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*Originally posted by MRL180YTL2002 *
**To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
**

Just used this one on the essay part of my history final today. :smiley:

16

Good to hear that…you should/could have also used in relation to history…

Mechanical Engineers build the weapons and Civil engineers build the targets

17

Unfortunately I couldn’t as the essay topic was about the time period between 1820 and 1860. Pretty boring if you ask me.

18

Not just 1820-1860. The other essay topic was 1700s-1776 =P

19

Another one, from our team:
There’s only a one letter difference between networking and not working.

20

*Originally posted by srjjs *
**Another one, from our team:
There’s only a one letter difference between networking and not working. **

Haha!

Hey, this is all really good stuff.