Navigating Mentor Disappointment: Seeking Advice & Encouragement

FIRST General Forum
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Hello CD Community and Mentors,

I’m posting anonymously to reach out to other mentors who may have faced similar feelings. I’ve been involved in FIRST since I was in middle school, and I absolutely love this program. It’s a huge part of my life, and I truly enjoy helping students learn and grow. However, I recently encountered a situation that’s left me feeling a bit discouraged and, if I’m honest, more than a little jealous.

Here’s what happened:

Drive Coach Decision:

  • Our drive team had the opportunity to select their mentor drive coach for the season, and potentially future seasons.
  • I was in the running, but ultimately, they chose another mentor.
  • I do fully support their choice because the students know who will work best with their style and goals.
  • Still, it stings. I’ve contributed in many ways (strategy, refereeing, always being there to help), and I hoped I’d be the strongest candidate.

Woodie Flowers Award Concern:

  • Our team will soon be asking students which mentor they want to nominate for the Woodie Flowers Award.
  • I have a strong feeling it won’t be me.
  • While I know that awards aren’t the reason we mentor, it’s hard not to feel disappointed.

Despite these feelings, I’m trying to keep my focus on supporting our students. I’m proud of them and want to see them succeed, no matter who’s leading the charge. But I also want to address the discouragement I’m feeling before it impacts my ability to be a positive force for the team.

Mentors, I’m looking for your wisdom and advice on:

Coping Strategies:

  • How do you handle that initial jealousy and disappointment?
  • Are there any particular self-reminders or practices you use to refocus on the team’s needs?

Maintaining Positivity and Motivation:

  • Have you ever been passed over for a role you were excited about?
  • What helped you move forward, keep your spirits high, and remain supportive?

Balancing Personal Ambitions with Team Success:

  • How do you channel your drive to be the best mentor into more collaborative or supportive roles instead?
  • What’s your approach to staying engaged and enthusiastic even when you’re not in the spotlight?

I genuinely want the best for our team and our students, regardless of titles or awards. Still, it’s tough to fully shake the disappointment of not being chosen for a role you’re passionate about—or the worry that your hard work isn’t as appreciated as you’d hoped.

Thank you in advance for sharing your experiences and insights. Hearing how others have navigated this kind of situation would really help me—and perhaps other mentors who find themselves feeling similarly. I appreciate any words of wisdom, stories, or suggestions you can offer.

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By the time people become mentors, most have numerous experiences not being selected for things they are passionate about and feel that they deserve. A few examples include:

  • Not being a starter on a sports team
  • Not being 1st chair in band or orchestra
  • Not being the driver on the robotics team
  • Not being accepted into your 1st choice college
  • Not being offered a job at your employer of choice
  • Not being selected for advancement in your job
  • Many others…

Some things people learn as they deal with these setbacks include:

  • Allow yourself to progress through the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
  • Solicit feedback on why you were not selected and be open to the input - be prepared to change if you learn something you were not aware of
  • Focus on patience and positivity - selection could still happen, don’t burn bridges, and continue to contribute at your best
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Thank you for sharing that perspective; it really resonates with me. I appreciate the insight and the encouragement to stay patient and positive, it’s just, I can’t help feeling like the other mentors are pulling more weight than I am. It makes me question whether I’m truly needed, and sometimes I feel a bit unnecessary in the grand scheme of things.

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What is your current role on the team?

Is it possible that you are more valuable to your team in some role other than the one you were wanting?

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You’ve been involved since middle school, but how old are you now? My answer to your questions will be different depending on your age.

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I’m hesitant to put myself in the spotlight, but the subteam I oversee is quite independent. The student lead has excelled, and I’ve passed on everything I know, so now I mainly step in to supervise.

I’m considering teaming up with our strategy group to support the new drive coach, especially since, as I mentioned, I do have experience with both refereeing and strategy.

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There are lots of reasons to volunteer generally, or as a mentor in this program. This site does a pretty good job summarizing the motivations, albeit a little simplified: FCS3385/FY1524: Five Motivations to Volunteer: Tips for Volunteer Managers

If what you say is true (and I have no reason to believe otherwise) —that you want what is best for your team—you are likely what is categorized as a “civic-minded” volunteer. Volunteer management theory says with these volunteers, managers should “ensure that their work satisfies their intrinsic desire to help.” It sounds like the work is not satisfying enough if you are seeking additional gratification.

Given that, it recommend looking to the leadership of your team and helping them understand what you really want to get out of the program. How, other than formal recognition, can you realize the impact of your work?

You could also be an “Attention Seeking” volunteer in your capacity with the team. That’s not inherently a bad thing, and I think it’s worth asking yourself if this is really your motivation. If it is, this opportunity is not providing you the attention you seek in its current form, so it may be time to reevaluate your role and capacity with the team.

I don’t know you, and don’t know your motivations beyond what you’ve shared in this post. My advice, in short, is to think about what your motivation is for mentoring, evaluate why that’s not being fulfilled, and determine if you can modify your role or find a new one that fulfills these motivations better.

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Early Twenties

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Saying that we mentor for purely selfless reasons would be disingenuous at best. Jared’s link explains it better than I can, but I’ll provide some personal thoughts.

I’ve been involved with FIRST since I was 5. I’m turning 25 this season. One of the things that being a student in FIRST taught me was that pinning your value to your status on the team will never turn out well. On our large team, there are often multiple, if not a dozen or more, qualified candidates for each role, but we can pick only one. That doesn’t mean that those that weren’t chosen “weren’t good enough.” Your team is a collection of resources - people, connections, capital, etc. In an ideal world, you have every person in the role that they most want, and they’re the best person for that role. That doesn’t happen.

I ask our students to understand that the mentor team will do our best to allocate resources for the good of the team, and sometimes that means being flexible. I also ask our mentor team to practice what we preach. I started with 321 as the “Business Coach” in year one. Year two was more flexible, with a greater focus on robot stuff. Year three, I started and was the lead coach for 427. This year, I’m leading 321. My job is to do what the team needs, not shape the team in the way that best serves me.

Effective mentoring, in my (admittedly limited - people like @philso and @mrnoble have been doing this for longer than I’ve been alive.) experience, requires taking a step back from your personal “wants”. The spotlight is on students, who are, ideally, less informed, prepared, and mature than their adult mentors. When they make a decision you don’t like, you need to ask yourself if that’s because it is the wrong decision for the team, or the wrong decision for you.

Mentoring takes different forms. Even if they’re “pulling more weight,” that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you’re filling a role on your team, and you’re doing what is asked of you, that’s a win for the team. I regularly apologize to our mentors - I know that many of them feel like they aren’t contributing sometimes, and I feel like that’s a failure on my part. Their presence alone (not even taking in to account what they contribute to the team) is massively impactful for the students. As a collective, the mentors make this journey possible for the students - and you’re a part of that smaller team, making the bigger team work.

In life, you’re going to be disappointed. FIRST is like real life with bumpers for the students - they’re going to make mistakes and do dumb stuff, and that’s okay. Some high achievers never “lose” until they do FIRST, and it’s soul crushing the first time. As you lose more, you find a way to redefine winning. As a mentor, this journey continues (or, at least it has for me). Had to miss the team photo at worlds because you had to pick up dinner for the team? Been there. Had to stay late in the parking lot and miss the mentor dinner because you didn’t want to leave students whose rides were late? Done that. Had students pick other mentors for (insert thing here)? Usually.

Now that I’m done typing this, I realize I didn’t really make a point - but I think that’s okay. Enjoy the wall of text - I hope some part of it can be useful, conciliatory, or reassuring.

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I’m more than 2x your age so keep in mind that my perspective is one based on a lot more life experience. It’s ok to have goals and aspirations as a coach, there’s nothing wrong with being disappointed in having a desire to be a drive coach or a Flowers nominee. You shouldn’t feel bad about feeling those emotions at all.

So, with all that said here are my veggies.

  1. It’s ok to have strong desires but we’ve always got to keep the students and their experiences first. If you do that consistently then that Woodie Flowers nomination will absolutely come. Stay the course, stay focused on the kids, and that will 100% come. (It’s hard to hear that)
  2. I think it’s AMAZING that you are on a team that’s large enough to even have a discussion about which mentor to select for Flowers or which Mentor is the right match for a drive coach. For much of my coaching career it’s just been me, which introduces an entire different level of stress. It sounds like you are awash in an environment full of amazing resources. Take advantage of that, learn from the others, and use that to become a stronger and more capable mentor.
  3. When people don’t like the way things are going at work - they sometimes seek other opportunities or start their own businesses. Especially when they feel they can lead differently. That’s something to consider, there are always teams that have just 1 or 2 mentors (or start your own) - you could potentially have a greater impact by lending them your lifetime of FIRST expertise, and you will have more opportunities to set the direction of the team contrasted to your current situation. However, that’s going to introduce a whole new set of problems and challenges for you. When you have control you also own the stress. I honestly wouldn’t recommend that in your 20’s. Your just getting started in life and it’s a LOT. (trust me)

Good luck!

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I’ll jump in and share a bit… bit story, bit parable…

I started mentoring by son’s senior year in HS. I had actually attended kickoff and thought to myself “I’m so glad I can sit back and just be a parent for this one.” That lasted about a month when the programming “mentor” (read: local overly-committed college student) had to dip to handle his academic course load. One of the other mentors had gotten “the” programmer a book to help him: Learn C++ in 24 Hours.

Safe to say I dove in and helped – and while my original purpose was very simple – save a sinking ship, and help set up the team for success in the future, the rewards are far more encompassing.

That was 2016. Since then I’ve continued to mentor the team, even took a teaching position at the school, was Lead Mentor for 4 yours, and now a serial volunteer. (FTAA/CSA/Scorekeeper/RI)

One does not mentor or volunteer out of a sense of self. We do it for fulfillment in the helping of others, to be a good person – To Make Woodie Proud.

Now, that does not mean the awards (be it Woodie Flowers Nominations, or Volunteer awards) are un-appreciated, they certainly are a great affirmation of your impact on the program, but they’re not the goal, they’re a stamp of approval by your students and peers. Unfortunately there’s only so much ink…

So the story part…

I had written our Dean’s list nominations for many years, taking quite a lot of time to thoughtfully describe our nominees and their strengths. Every year, to the point of it becoming a running joke, and almost always being the prior-year Dean’s List nominees… Right after I announce and read to the team the nomination that had been written, one of them asks, “Hey, when is the Woodie Flower’s Nomination Due?”

:man_facepalming:

(Hint: It’s usually due the same time as Dean’s List)

My last year as Lead Mentor I was stunned and overwhelmed when the students read me their Woodie Flowers nomination. I truly was not expecting it. It was powerful and from the heart, and really was just that affirmation that I was doing all the right things all along. Having that positive impact, being that role model, making connections and imparting that knowledge and experience. And sometimes, that friendly ear passing tissues and helping young adults through tough times.

I still have that nomination. Along with a signed team shirt from that year. It’s in a display case on my wall in my home office. (Fast forward - no I didn’t win at the regional, and I’m 100% ok with that.)

That nomination didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know, and had they asked again “When’s Woody’s due?” it wouldn’t have changed a thing for me. It’s nice to hear, but it’s not why I’m here.

My point? Mentoring isn’t easy, and if you love it, get fulfillment and enjoyment from it, and make those positive impacts on young people’s lives, that is your reward. The rest should just tell you what you already know.

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Brian I was also the parent that was just supposed to step in and help a little bit for my son’s team…. And even when he finished middle school and I thought I could just sit and watch FRC - I was voluntold to run that team as well. There is no escape for me it seems.

Like you, my fulfillment comes from watching these kids grow and helping to change outcomes in their lives. The recognition when it comes IS amazing but that’s not what drives me.

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Cut your losses, and look where you can do good and make a difference. Where you might help isn’t always what you expect. I think sometimes having a short memory and moving on helps. Usually, once a year I get a little down or frustrated, but the experience of 11 years now I can point to that each year I’ve gotten through it and often it turns out better than I expected.

I’ve got thoughts on WFFA, and mostly I don’t think it is worth thinking about not being nominated too much. The less you care about that award and focus on just being helpful, the more likely you’ll be a good candidate for your teams. There is some invisible force where teenagers won’t give validation when you are actively seeking it. Even if you have thoughts you are the most valuable mentor, it isn’t an MVP award, it is a student choice award first off.

Any specific drive team coaching thoughts will be different for your team. I think just being helpful where you can or finding something different for yourself is the right call since they’ve selected someone else. It certainly will sting but you’ll likely find a useful role even if not your first preference. Specifically, I’ve been in charge of our drive team selection for 8 years or so, and we always have done student drive coaches. But even then, I’ve had some years with another mentor helping (maybe debriefing teams after matches, helping some with practices, strategy ideas, and just logistics – making sure drive students get lunch, etc). Now that you have a selected person, you can always talk to them about what they might need help with and just express continued interest.

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This season will be my tenth as a coach in this program, and it’s had me thinking a lot about why I do this and what I’m hoping to accomplish with all this time and effort.

With all that thinking about my own motivation, what strikes me about your post is that it sounds like your motivation is very tied up in other people’s validation of your effort. It’s not a bad thing to want recognition for your time, effort, and impact. We all put a lot into our teams and it’s natural to want to feel seen for it. FRC is a team program though, and it works best when we all put aside our personal egos. I’d recommend spending some time to identify goals for yourself that don’t rely on external factors.

Also, drive team is not a reward for good behavior or high performance. Not for the students, not for the coaches. It’s just another job.

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I just wanted to thank you all for your invaluable insights and guidance. I wish I could like all of your posts, but apparently, my anonymous account won’t allow it. Regardless, this discussion has truly made me rethink my perspective. My role as a mentor shouldn’t be about trying to be the “best mentor in FIRST,” but rather being the best mentor for my students.

Though I won’t be drive coach and I know I probably won’t be a Woodie Flowers nominee this year—or maybe for a few more seasons—but that’s all right. My time will come when I’ve put in the work and truly made an impact on my students. As an early mentor, I recognize I have so much more to learn. I look forward to any opportunities to connect with you all in person, so I can learn more about how to grow—not just for myself, but for my current team and any future teams I might mentor.

Thank you again for all of your help and support. It really means a lot to me!

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Glad to help. Your team is lucky to have someone like you, and like I said it’s ok to have things you want to aspire to. I think your plan is a good one.

As coaches sometimes we need someone to talk to. (Cough vent) if you don’t feel comfortable chatting with your fellow coaches or want an external opinion I am happy to chat if you want to find me here or at an event, I’ll gladly keep your identity in confidence.

Good luck.

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I wonder if you’re experiencing a little bit of Imposter Syndrome. You wonder if you are really doing something important for a team, and that you have the skills and ability to do it. Personal recognition would partly validate what you are doing. If so, try thinking more about what you are doing and how it is helping.

Story: I was a part-time mentor long ago. My wife and my primary focus was helping with food logistics. But then these things called bumpers made their appearance. (I told you it was a long time ago.) I read through the rules how to build them, and I and one of the younger more awkward (and probably less popular) kids worked on them. He hadn’t used a chop saw before, so I showed him that. I think it gave him a sense of accomplishment, so it gave me some validation that what I was doing was worthwhile.

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Exactly. I have a friend who is way smarter than me and she talks about intrinsic vs extrinsic rewards. The Cliff Notes version is that intrinsic (eg the joy of seeing your students learn and grow and bloom) are far more important to your satisfaction than extrinsic (eg awards, money, etc).

We can all probably think of people for whom no amount of extrinsic success can ever be enough for them. It seems to me that, for whatever reasons, they can’t feel the intrinsic rewards, so they can never really be satisfied, be happy, stop grinding. I’m not even sure if it really is a choice, but if it is, try not to be like that would be my advice.

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This does not answer the question I asked. It is one thing if your subteam is designing the robot. It is quite another if your subteam is is responsible for cleaning and reorganizing the shop equipment.

Have you taken a break from FIRST since being a team member? Some common advice given to prospective young mentors is to take a break to explore other interests. It also gives one time to mature. I have also seen warnings that alumni who switch to mentoring too soon may continue in the mindset of a team member and may not truly transition to being a mentor. I have seen several local mentors who’s mindset and actions seem to indicate that they have never fully transitioned.

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FRC students vary a lot. FRC mentors, even more so. The former are at least all about the same age and have had roughly similar life experiences. Mentors? We are all over the map. As we “do” FRC for so many reasons, what we expect out of it can’t be distilled down to a general concept.

Enjoy working with the team. Savor their wins - on and off the field - and learn along with them when things don’t go per plan. Its not about us.

TW

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